We are parents!

Annelena Rose was born on May 30th at 11:19 am. She's been an amazingly good baby, letting us sleep for hours at a time. Aunt Emilie is going to be so proud of how strong she is, and Aunt Erin of how strong-willed she is.

Her nickname is Lene, pronounced like the classic film star Marlene Dietrich, minus the 'Mar'.

Love to you all from the 3 of us!

31w0d

The wallpaper! The border isn't up yet as Ikea is still out of picture rails, but at least you get the idea of what it will look like.

30w3d

Nursery is now wallpapered. Picture rails have to wait as Ikea was sold out.

Photos soon.

29w5d

...1...

29w4d

...2...

29w3d

...3...

Irish law and the rights of embryos and (potential) moms and dads

Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, this is an interesting read.

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2010/03/18/ireland-force-women-mothers-cant-force-fathers

The dichotomy is rather astounding, eh?

27w4d

I've been bitching and moaning about the fact that I don't have a recognizable bump. Apparently, that is no longer the case.

Martin and I were babysitting a 4-year-old last night, who told me, "You look like you are going to have a baby because you have a fat tummy." Thanks for noticing, Mayzie!

27w3d

I haven't had much to post lately, as I wanted to keep this blog focused on Myrtle and she's been fine. I will post a bump photo soon - there's finally a little to see.

Other than that, I've been trying to do all of the things that I know I won't have time to do after she's here. Invitation to dinner - why, yes! Movie on Wednesday - of course! The next few weeks are packed with social activities.

We're also considering doing a small renovation in our bathroom. We have no bathtub right now, although technically the bathroom is big enough for one. The previous owner redid the bathroom with a stupid layout, so we have a few choices:

1. Redo everything into a sensible layout. Lots of work, lots of money, lots of dust involved to essentially swap the location of the toilet and the shower drain and move the washing machine connection. It would mean cracking up the floor and opening the walls. We won't be doing this.
2. Change the direction the toilet is facing (e.g. move it from one wall in the corner to the adjacent wall in the same corner), then get a 160 cm tub. This might be possible and would only involve opening the corner of the wall and possibly a few centimeters of the floor. The tank is in the wall, like this:
   
   
   This is the most likely option, depending on quotes from the plumber.
   


3. Get a 140 cm tub, but that means that Martin's knees are at his chin when he sits in there.

Also got up crazy early on Saturday morning to go to a kids' flea market way out in bufu. So worth it - I scored a €130 high chair (the one I'd been coveting) for €10 and a €70 bouncy seat for €12. Also: many clothes.

I guess I should save a little content for next time - I'll share about my mom's shopping madness soon.

24w4d

Lots of crap going on around here. Too many docs, too many stressors. Not to worry, Myrtle is fine.

Sigh. February has sucked for so many people and so many reasons.

23w2d

Hug your loved ones extra tight.

21w5d

So far (aside from her kickboxing training as I'm trying to go to sleep), Myrtle is a perfect baby. Two separate docs confirmed it at the anatomy scan today. Fingers, toes, liver, kidneys - everything right where it should be.

The next appointment is in 8 weeks. I'm used to seeing her every 2-3 weeks, but now that she's moving so much it's easier not to worry. Martin did find a doppler at the baby store over the weekend that lets you record the heartbeat - and it ended up in our basket. I talked him into shopping around a bit more (this one says it's for the 7th month and beyond) - boys and their toys.

We did take a bit of video, and if you can actually see anything from it, I might post it. Half-assed and all, don't count on it. ;-)

21w4d

Today's mood: damn skippy.

Tomorrow: anatomy ultrasound. Oh yeah.

20w3d

I forgot to add my vacation days to my maternity leave, so my last day is actually on March 31st instead of April 29th. My bosses were a bit shocked, which I can understand. I have no replacement yet, and now I'll be leaving in 2 months and 6 days (not that I'm counting).

Any English/German bilinguals with software experience out there looking for a job???

20w0d

Halfway!

I have too much to do at work today and have plans for this evening so I doubt I'll get a proper post in today (yeah, there's a reason this blog is titled the way it is), but I did want to mark this momentous day with at least a little whoop. WHOOP!

19w0d

Wow, who woulda thunk that we'd make it to 19 weeks. I went to a meeting for my ex-pat women's club last night and a few people that I don't see very often were surprised to hear that I'm pregnant. Yup, that's how little I'm showing. I suppose I should be enjoying my mobility while I can, but I also know that acquaintances think I've just been hitting the fast food a bit too much and that's why I'm thicker in the middle.

Martin got to feel Myrtle kick a few days ago. When she gets going, I really think she's learned to mosh already. They grow up so quickly.

A Time for Retrospection

A friend from a very long time ago answers a year-end list of questions every year. You can read his answers here:
http://www.blood-and-thunder.com/index.php/2010/01/05/blue-blooded-girls-of-independent-means/

I think I'm going to start doing this. I'll see if I can get around to it this weekend, but I love the idea of collecting these answers.

17w5d

Well, looks like Horst is really a Myrtle! The doctor is 80-90% sure that it's a girl.

And I think I felt her move for the first time this morning. What a fantastic day.

17w3d

Still not showing. I look like I had too many cookies chased by too many beers, but I definitely do not have a proper bump. I was a bit fluffy to begin with anyway, so I'm looking forward to having a belly instead of a spare tire.

The visit to the family was the best I can remember in a long time. I miss my family and have been weepy with the thought that they are going to miss the pregnancy and lots of Horst's first year. Have to get Skype up and functional, I guess.

For those of you not friends with me on Facebook, let me share some jeglagged wisdom with you: Air France sucks sweaty donkey balls.

16w2d:



17w3d:

14w4d

The ultrasound yesterday went well, but the doc is less sure now that it is a boy. Either way, he/she is a very healthy baby. Yeah!

I have to brag a little now - my wedding band is getting a bit tight so my sweet husband surprised me last night (sigh) with a sparkly ring that will definitely fit throughout. I'll post a photo later.

Back to work now - much to catch up on after vacation.

13w3d

A quick post to say that I'm not going to be posting right now. A friend is in town from the States and I have about 5 minutes of computer time a day. Updates next week.

12w6d

Welcome to the 2nd trimester (almost)!

This morning's scan went really well. And it looks like we're on Team Blue!

11w6d

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'll bet you can guess why I'm thankful this year, so I'll spare you the cheese.

I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It has all of the warmth and togetherness of Christmas without all of the consumer crap. Every German/Brit/other I've invited to celebrate with us has immediately taken to the spirit of the holiday. I love the preparation, the familiar and homey smells, and of course sitting around a big table and seeing all of my friends' faces in the candlelight.

I usually do the big dinner on Saturday as we don't get Thursday and Friday off here (boo), but we have plans this Saturday so I'm making mini-Thanksgiving for Martin and I tonight. I'm not sure if there will be turkey, but my favorite part is the side dishes anyway, so we're going to have chestnut stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and Brussel sprouts. Finished off of course by pumpkin pie.

Guess I get to pardon my own turkey this year. :)

11w4d

It's our 3rd wedding anniversary today, and it's quite astonishing to think of all that we've been through already. I talked to a friend of ours who did 3 rounds of IVF and then decided to adopt (her son is adorable), and she said that when you go through IF it either welds you together or tears you apart.

It hasn't been easy, of course, but I think that's because we were in different stages at different times. When I felt like I was going to implode after the miscarriages, Martin wasn't in a place to understand it. Other times, he was frustrated and down and I was in suck-it-up-and-get-on-with-it mode. Yet through it all, we've managed to figure out how to be together even when we are worlds apart. When we are living on the same planet (which is most of the time now), there's only one word: bliss.

10w6d

So - the question: why Horst?

Horst is a real name, but it's seen as old-fashioned. We could have called him Dudley with a similar effect.

It also has a second meaning - when someone does something stupid or uncouth, you might say he's made a real Horst of himself.

Of course, this is just our silly nickname for him. We have to call him something other than 'baby', but 'snuggiewuggums' is just too cutesy for us. We couldn't decide on a nickname for the other ones either, so we called them by a new, ridiculous name every time. Humperdink, Ethel, Fritz-Peter, Gertrude, etc. This time, Horst just kind of stuck.

9w6d

Another scan today. Horst (his pseudonym for now) is measuring 1 day ahead with a lovely heartrate of 154. My OB is fantastic - Martin couldn't make it to the appointment today so she took me to the super-duper machine one floor up so that she could print out better sonograms for him.

I also got two of my three midwives arranged. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore socialized medicine?! Insurance pays for one midwife for the birth preparation courses, a second midwife for the birth, and a third midwife who visits you at home for a couple of weeks to help with anything you might need. A doctor doesn't step in unless needed. I imagine this ends up costing significantly less than a US hospital birth, but I guess I'll never know as I won't see bills for the birth. :)

Next scan on Dec 3rd - official start to the 2nd trimester.

9w4d

As part of the IVF process, I have to have my blood drawn every week to check hormone levels. For those of you who haven't done IVF, this is because the normal hormones are shut down during the cycle and have to be supplemented until the body can take care of it on its own. I went off of the supplemental hormones a while ago, but they need to keep an eye on the levels until they are sure that the placenta has taken over and is doing its job.

I just got the call from the clinic - no more weekly blood tests for me! Yet another milestone we've never reached before.

9w3d

Today marks the furthest we have ever made it in a pregnancy. I celebrated this morning by finding the heaviest spotting to date. Still brown, but WTF?

I was in Aachen over the weekend for a conference and while there I took a bit of a spill on a slick ramp - maybe this had something to do with it. I also had to schlep my suitcase and conference materials (and tins of special Aachen Christmas cookies called 'Printen'), so maybe it was the repeated lifting?

Doesn't matter - I promised myself no freakouts unless I see red.

8w4d

Minor freakout last night. I'd had all of the usual pregnancy symptoms for some time, and last night they all went away. Poof. Of course my scary pregnancy books and Dr Google told me to go to the doctor right away. The RE's office wouldn't see me as I'd already been released from their care, so I went to my OB's office. They were so patient and understanding, but I could still see that they were worrying about me as a patient. "Oh boy, another one of these worriers who will be on our doorstep any time she gets the hiccups or sneezes too hard."

I don't want to be that patient, so I'm going to take a few steps back and force myself not to worry unless I see blood.

7w6d

To jab or not to jab. The German Medical Association is advising that pregnant women not get the vaccine that is currently available to us. I don't think this is the same vaccine that is being used for pregnant women in the US, so the arguments for and against are a bit different here. I think I'll put off the decision a little while longer.

http://clareswinney.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/german-medical-association-warns-against-giving-pandemrix-to-young-children-pregnant-women/

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1932366,00.html

7w5d

Still in the game. I was confident this morning, then a colleague brought her newborn to the office and I was sure the universe was going to punk me and show me what I couldn't have, then take it all away at the ultrasound appointment.

For now, the baby is fine. It's measuring 2 days behind, but that's not a big deal as there is always room for +/- a few days. The machines and the babies aren't that exact. My lovely doctor saw how freaked out I have been, so she brought me into another room and let me hear the heartbeat, something they don't usually do until 12-13 weeks. She also said that in normal circumstances, my next appointment should be in 4 weeks, but that she was willing to see me every week if that's what I want. I won't be quite that neurotic, but I will go back in 2 weeks instead of 4.

I can't quite exhale yet, but at least we are on our way. Thanks for all of the support - it really does help.

7w3d

It's been one week since the ultrasound, and it feels like it has been 3. I'm feeling less and less pregnant every day, which of course is a sign of nothing except that I'm obsessing and need to cut it out.

Martin is still optimistic, and he's been right about everything so far this round. I simply need to relax and listen to him. Easier said than done, eh?

Tomorrow I have bloodwork at the clinic to see whether I'm doing OK without any supplementation (yup, stopped the estrogen and progesterone last week). Wednesday we get to see the little one again. If everything is OK on Wednesday, we're going to share the news with Martin's grandparents and uncles at his dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday. He's giddy with the thought of it. I can't think past Wednesday.

7w0d

I'm working on trying to stay positive. I've googled and regoogled and there are plenty of women out there who have not a single twinge, cramp, craving, or urge and go on to have healthy babies. So why can't I be satisified with that? I actually considered showing up at my OB this morning to beg for an ultrasound so that I could sleep peacefully over the weekend.

Wednesday's ultrasound is so far off.

6w4d

Sending some love and sympathy to someone who's just landed where I've been too many times. It sucks.

6w3d

So far, so good! First ultrasound was this morning, and everything is perfect. Horst is measuring right on track and we easily saw the heartbeat. This is a big deal for us because we've never had a normal first ultrasound. The first round, we saw a heartbeat but the baby was measuring too small. The second round, we never made it to the ultrasound stage. Third round, the baby was measuring OK but the heartbeat was very hard to find.

Doc is optimistic, so we can be too. Official due date, June 11th. Official maternity leave, April 30th.

EDD #3

Today is the day we should have been bringing home baby #3. It's not quite the same this time as I mourned this one quite a bit on my birthday (which also should have been the first day of maternity leave). We also know that he had a genetic problem that is one of the most common causes of miscarriage, so there's nothing anyone could have done. Being pregnant also helps me look forward rather than dwell on what could have been.

One day I will make this site pretty...

 

I wanted something autumny, so this is what I get until I have the time to actually make a template.

One day, this site might look pretty. Until then, don't hold your breath.

 

Sugar Fix

 

I found Pop Tarts at the grocery store near my office today. I don't like Pop Tarts (maybe that's not fair because I've only ever tried them once) so it's not an issue, but those suckers cost €6.49 for a box of ten. That's nearly $10 American. Holy freaking crap.

However, I am willing to pay €4 for their Pepperidge Farm cookies...

 

Still rising!

 

Beta today at 3636: doubling time of 41 hours. Yeah!

 

Beta #2

 

274, doubling time of 38 hours. A new record for us!

 

Flyby Update

 

Beta came in at 75.

Repeat on Monday.

 

Start your syringes...

 

Got the OK to start stims tonight, so I'm trying to control both the dread of failure and unfettered glee of thinking this one will work.

In any case, we're off and running!

 

Thanks everyone

 

I write my posts as a bit of blog therapy for me rather than thinking someone will read it, but I have to say I always feel better after reading your comments. Thank you so much.

I just popped open a beer even though I wanted to go cold turkey this IVF. I just spotted my neighbor on the street - she and her husband are opera singers so they have the summer off and have been gone visiting their families in Scandinavia. We share a backyard so we see them a lot when they are home... and she has a rather pronounced belly now. Instead of being the good neighbor and welcoming her home, I ran into my apartment and hid.

Gaah. That makes 6 in one week.

On the up-side, I took my last birth control pill this morning in preparation for our 5th round of IVF. This round has to be it for us, right? It's gonna work?!

 

another one...

 

Oh come on already! I've put another Facebooker on 'hide' because she's announced her pregnancy with a big happy sonogram as her profile photo. This week's tally for hitting the 'hide' button due to baby blabber? Five.

This latest one pisses me off a bit more than the others because she's so young and flaky.

Another young 'un is also in the throes of morning sickness - 22, barely married, and her husband says creepy things to her.

#3 was nearly devastated that it took them 6 whole months to conceive. Of course, she hadn't charted or done anything like that, so I think 6 months is rather reasonable. She doesn't want to hear that though, so I won't say it. She will be hearing the smack of my head against a very immobile wall if she doesn't cut out the whining about it... you're pregnant and so obviously not infertile, so SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ALMOST BEING INFERTILE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT. Whew.

#4 has kids that are nearly out of the house. "Whoops" doesn't even start to cover it. She's happy and sad all at the same time. I can completely understand why she feels the way she does, but I'm also not in a position to hear from someone who isn't overjoyed to be pregnant.

#5 is someone I know only online and who has gone through more than double the number of miscarriages I have. I am so happy for her, I really am, but I can't read literally 20 updates a day from her on the subject. Oooh - you hiccuped again?! Can that be a sign that your baby is a boy? Three farts in two hours? That means twins, right? Eight weeks along and she bought a stroller, then posted photos of the stroller, then her buyers remorse for not getting it in green instead of brown... at 8 weeks! After 7 miscarriages!

Wow, am I bitter today. And awfully judgy. I shall wear a long black robe and carry a gavel this evening (or my bathrobe and a wooden spoon as I have neither a black robe nor a gavel).

 

Another place to find me...

 

I've had a not-so-hidden blog at twinge.vox.com to work out the whole ART thing. I started it when we weren't letting anyone in on the TTC troubles in our lives, but after this long it's too hard to dodge the "when are you going to have kids" question so we're just giving honest answers now. No more need to hide.

You can find our (mis)adventures in IVF and miscarriage here:
Twinge


Scratch that. It's too hard for people to comment on Vox as you have to get a login, so I'm coming back to Blogger. We're not hiding the IVF anymore, anyway.

Stay tuned right here.

 

Cycle #5: In Progress!

 

CD 3:

Is this our last round? Not sure yet. Some adoption agencies in the US have recently stopped taking overseas US citizens as clients, I guess we'll probably go for another round.

Let me again take this opportunity to rant about folks who ask, "Why don't you just adopt?"

1. I'm afraid to take on a special-needs child with my family so far away and my support network here consisting mainly of transient expats. Many countries do not allow 'healthy' children to be adopted outside of their home country, even if it means those children languish in orphanages.
2. I'll be turned down by many agencies in my own country because I live overseas. It's not illegal, but it is difficult and many agencies don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. There are few German babies to be adopted. We're looking at a 4 year wait here, by which time we'll probably be deemed too old.
4. Will you lend me €20,000 euros for a non-German adoption? Didn't think so.

 

Stupid, Stupid Strato

 

My hosting company froze my account for some reason. "Abuse", apparently. They can't tell me what is wrong with my WordPress installation, what sort of abuse they suspect, or how to even go about diagnosing it. Their words: "someone might have hacked your site". "To make it do what?", I asked. "We already gave you the information," was the reply. "Um, I need more than 'maybe somebody did something' to go on... what flagged the abuse report?" "We already gave you the information. Fix it."

GAAH!

None of the file dates are recent (except for a few posts, and I checked the code and found nothing in those).

I'm furious and will be writing a very angry letter to them demanding my money back and that they cover any transfer fees to a new provider. So don't bother going to bethundmartin.de for a while, and don't ever, ever use Strato as a hosting company.

 

Comment to a red state cousin (of which I have many)

 

You can't seriously support George Bush and criticize Barack Obama's grammar! I don't care if you support George Bush or not, but the irony of calling out Obama's grammar and speech patterns is too much hypocracy for me.

Gaah.

(I'd post this in direct response to her comment on Facebook, but I don't need to start a family feud.)

 

Crapload

 

Hi all. Yet another friend has given birth - their baby girl was born early yesterday morning. That makes 4(!) this month, and another friend just went to his very first Lamaze class with his wife. Add my 2 colleagues who are due in August and September, and that's a crapload of babies.

We're going to start what will most likely be our last round of IVF soon, and I'm trying to be positive. A couple of friends have suggested that I read The Secret, but I can't bring myself to visualize myself pregnant every day because I can only think of how crushing it will be when it all ends badly.

Sorry for the bummer post - I had to get that out. Thanks. And thanks so much for all of your comments - it's so nice to know I'm not alone here. :)

 

Meteorological Math

 

It was 32° C last Friday. It is 16° C this Friday.

Damn. I wanted more ice cream.

For non-metric folks out there:
32° C = 90° F
16° C = 61° F

 

Musical Talent

 

I have none. I'm desperately jealous of those who do.

Open-mic nights can be scary things, but somehow a little touristy (but very cozy) Irish pub in one of the most picturesque parts of the city manages to put on a good one. A friend sings two sets every time, and man, can that girl sing. Sigh. I want her to record an album so I can enjoy her voice more than once a week.

She also kicks our collective butts at SingStar, even when she holds back.

 

Joy, all around

 

Today is my due date from the second miscarriage. I also got my period this morning from the failed IVF. Holy crap, the cramps are bad. And it's Monday. I'm trying to lose the weight I gained through this whole journey, so I can't console myself with chocolate, either.

I bought a giant, complicated knitting machine yesterday. It has more accessories and moving parts than my old Vespa. I'm going to focus on learning to use it tonight, I think (Martin has to work late, as usual.)

And maybe crack open some of the Swiss chocolate we brought back from Zürich last weekend.

 

Tears

 

The tears don't come at appropriate times: hanging laundry in what should be the nursery, seeing the neighbors' newborn, calling my cat 'my little boy', soaping my flat(ish) stomach in the shower. Instead, I have to stop my face from contorting into the 'ugly cry' while on the bus or sitting at my desk at work.

 

Thanks, everyone

 

Looks like #4 was a bust - I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. On to round #5.

 

ART cycle #4 - nearly complete

 

Beta on Thursday.

Of 11 eggs we ended up with one single viable embryo, which of course stuck to the catheter during transfer and required a second attempt.

This whole cycle has been rather craptacular. We got 11 eggs, all of which were ripe. Of those, only 4 fertilized and only 1 of the 4 passed genetic testing (polar body testing of the egg only - PGD is illegal in Germany).

To compare, last time we had 9 eggs, 7 were ripe, 7 fertilized, 2 were transferred and 3 were frozen. (No genetic testing was done).


I'm going to get back in touch with that adoption counselor.

 

2009 is kicking my butt

 

Chalk up another point against me in 2009. We had to put our cat Tibor to sleep over the weekend. Poor guy's kidneys failed - there was nothing useful to be done.

Three pregnancies and one cat lost in 10 months. Damn it.

I want a do-over.

 

Another reason I'm eating bacon on Friday...

 

I'm a former Catholic. There are many, many reasons why.

Here's a big one:
http://www.catholic.org/prwire/headline.php?ID=6395

What may be surprising to the millions of women who cannot conceive and bring a child to term is that NaProTechnology, taught by Dr. Hilgers, is nearly three times more successful than IVF for assisting infertile couples, according to the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, a group founded by Dr. Hilgers at the Creighton University School of Medicine in Omaha.

Infertility at the institute is treated by determining the fertile time of a woman’s cycle, as well as by using surgical techniques such as laser treatment and ovarian wedge resections.

Infertility treatment usually begins with discovering a woman’s fertile time. This can be done with the Sympto-Thermal Method of Natural Family Planning.

Believe what you want about faith, but don't flat out lie about science. Who honestly believes that people turn to IVF because they don't know when their fertile times are?

GAAH. And pass that bacon.

 

Good news?

It was a boy, and it was trisomy 16, the most common form of genetic defect. I was ready to say that I have a hostile womb and just can't carry a baby. Still can't rule that out, but at least that wasn't the cause this time.

Three doctors at two practices believe this is just incredibly crappy luck. If there is a different cause each time, it's easier to believe it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

As I thought, this third miscarriage has hit me harder than I thought. But we're looking forward to our next shot at IVF, probably in 4-5 weeks. It sounds like an eternity from now...

7w6d

Third miscarriage. I don't quite know what to do with myself tonight.

D&C on Friday.

6w6d

We had our first ultrasound this morning, and I'm not very hopeful. There was a heartbeat, but it was hard to find. On the up-side, it's not small like last time. The doctor didn't measure anything, so I have no idea where we're at. He did pull out the sonogram from last time and you can immediately tell the difference.

But this heartbeat thing is freaking me the crap out.

I've got to stay away from Google. Everything I've read says that there should be a strong heartbeat by now, and that a weak one nearly always means miscarriage. A third miscarriage is going to hit me much, much harder than the other two. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

4w5d

It's hard to stay positive sometimes. A hungry cat was pacing on my head at 5 am, which woke me up and left me lying in bed thinking, "oh sweet elvis, I've lost my symptoms!" Which of course is silly. They are going to come and go, but it won't matter because this round IS GOING TO WORK.

I'm going to refrain about posting about the octuplets, other than to say that I don't care if the freakazoid has 14 kids - lots of people have ginormous families and sketchy support systems. I do care that the doc thought it was OK to transfer 6 embryos at once.

My current book is "Reading Lolita in Tehran", and Azar Nafizi put it so well: "It was the sort of anger one gets high on, the kind one takes home to show off to friends and family."

Beta #2...

Beta #2: 328 (doubling time = 1.81 days)

So far, so good!

Next beta: 2/16

This one is going to work. Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking...

Positive Beta

104. Still to early to celebrate, but we're headed in the right direction!

A cycle without drugs (at least not many of them)

We did a frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle this month. Three were thawed, two survived and were transferred. I'm in the two week wait. Beta is scheduled for Feb 6th.

There's been nothing to post on that front: I went for one ultrasound and bloodwork, and a week later they did the transfer. The only drugs I'm taking are oral estrogen and vaginal progesterone. No needles, constant blood testing, or daily transvaginal magic wanding.

Rather boring, wouldn't you say?

We became the live-in can openers for two 14-year-old cats just after Christmas, and one of them has decided this week that my life is far too boring. He has decided to protest Elvis-only-knows-what by peeing on the dining room table and pooping near my husband or his proxy (yesterday near his slippers, this morning on the windowsill behind the sofa where he was sitting).

What a nasty little man. Too bad for us that he's too flippin cute and we are already in love with him. Why does his teensy, cold heart not have room for two goofy bipeds?

Mr Twinge thinks they are mad because we kind of kick them around a bit when we are sleeping. A goofy biped might think that sleeping next to big feet in a small bed is not optimal. Perhaps the felines feel that we are impolite guests in their home.

I don't want to pay for more IVF psychological counseling if I don't have to (freakin expensive), but now I have to dish out for a cat psychologist. I'm literally pussy whipped.

No BloPoMo

I was all geared up to do the NaBloPoMo, until my laptop crashed again. Thank you, Vista. Plugging in a scanner should not kill an operating system.

Anyhoodle.

I met with a therapist at our fertility clinic this week. It was good. I may go back when we start our frozen embryo cycle in January.

I think I'll be going a bit Amish until then. One of my favorite bloggers, Dooce, just announced that she's pregnant with her second, and two women from my IVF forum just found out that they are having twins. As much as I'm happy for them, it makes my situation harder for me to bear.

I missed fall this year. I love the fall. Instead of wandering over to the café opposite my house to sit under a blanket and sip a hot mulled wine, I huddled in front of the TV and gave myself an electronic lobotomy. It was the easier choice for me, although Mr Twinge might see it another way.

So now I'm going to enjoy the holidays. We fly to Denver tomorrow to visit friends and then we hit Chicago on Tuesday for a week and a half with my parents and sisters. (Yeah, now that I've told my family about the whole IVF thing, I'm not worried about outing myself here so I can tell you where I'm from.)

Maybe I'll be back in two weeks. Maybe not. We'll see how it goes.

So Much for NaBloPoMo

 

I knew trying to keep up with two blogs would be too much for slacker me. But I have a good reason for going AWOL - we celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday and I was cooking a ginormous feast for 8. Sunday, Mr. and I had one of our rare fights and I just didn't feel like posting. What could I say? That we were fighting over leftovers? Because we were. And it was totally stupid.

There are big things afoot in the G household tomorrow. Again, the doocing, so I can't say exactly what. But keep your fingers crossed that it works out. And I'll explain when I can. :)

 

Negative

 

This blog seems to bring out my negativity, and if you are me, and I just happen to be me, that's a good thing. It means I get to blow off steam or write about what I am afraid of. That's why I started it, after all. I never expected that people who don't happen to be me would ever actually read it.

I have real stories; oh, do I have stories. It's a regular Melrose Place around Mr.'s office, and mine kind of resembles The Office. Maybe one day, if either of us leave our current job, I'll write about it. In the case of Mr.'s colleagues, I think it would have to involve graphics to illustrate all of the incestuous goings on. Maybe some linked bios just so you can keep track. But we can't really afford to get dooced right now.

So sorry for the boringness. But the web is full of cool stuff, like this light-emitting wallpaper I want for my bedroom. Blog therapy it is, for now.

 

Elect Martin's Tree at Ikea

Election day is finally here. I'm nervous. I wanted to vote for McCain in 2000 (I also would have voted for Colin Powell, had he run), but I'm honestly about frightened about where the country would go if he were elected today. Does he really think that Bush's tax cuts for the rich (which he previously opposed) create jobs for those lower down on the food chain? It seems to me that he sold his soul for this nomination, and if he wins then we can really usher in the new age of robber barons.

Results won't start to be broadcast until 1 am my time, so I'm going to keep busy by going to dinner with friends and then we're off to see the live show from Found magazine (http://foundmagazine.com/events). So excited - I first heard about Found via This American Life, the über-addictive radio program (http://thislife.org).

After the show, I'm going to camp out on the sofa in front of CNN and possibly BBC. (They are the only two English-language channels, and BBC shares a channel so it's only on in the wee hours. Trust me, I'd much prefer a different news broadcast over CNN drivel. I wonder if one of the German broadcasters is going to do live coverage?)

Funny aside
Martin just called. He's been picked to decorate a Christmas tree at Ikea to compete for a giant box of Christmas decorations. We entered the sweepstakes at the store... and they picked him (although we didn't know it involved audience participation - we just thought they'd call and tell us to pick up the crap).

He goes on Thursday morning to decorate - wish him luck. Although... as we were filling out the sweepstakes cards, we did ask ourselves (out loud, too) if we need/want all of that stuff. The answer was no, but we filled out the cards anyway. If he wins, we'll either have the most craptacular decorations understated Hamburg has ever seen, or we'll spend hours uploading photos to eBay. I'm thinking craptacular.

Sucks

One more day until what I expect to be the final beta. I'm taking progesterone supplements so maybe that's delaying stuff, but I still have no spotting. Weird, huh? Sweet Elvis on a cracker, I hope this won't be like the last time: everything dragged out for weeks only to come to a sucky end.

TV

The NaBloPoMo idea seems silly to me now. I wanted to sit and write and get everything off of my chest, but when I sit at the computer, all I can do is watch crap TV. I've watched more TV this weekend than I have in the previous month, I think.

I have no desire to do much of anything right now except hole up and feel empty.

Shuffle off

I've spent the day nesting and crying. We still have so much to do in the apartment, but Martin doesn't seem to see it the same way. I want everything organized and in its place, and he seems to think that shuffling piles of crap from room to room on an ongoing basis is good enough. We did that in the last place and it drove me nuts. I need some order in my apartment, even if I can't have it in my life.

NaBloPoMo

I'm going to try NaBloPoMo again this year. If you aren't familiar with it, it's a challenge to write a post a day for the month of November. I'm hoping to use it as a bit of blog therapy to deal with what has been going on.

Two IVF cycles, two positive pregnancy tests, two miscarriages. It's hard to believe at this moment that it will ever work.

Probably not viable.

Beta today: 11.

I go back next Tuesday for another blood test, but the clinic doesn't think there is much of a chance.

Here we go again.

Doesn't look good.

6. I can't believe it's happening again. My beta is 6.

Repeat beta in two days.

Transferred!

We transferred two embryoes today and three were frozen. Beta on Oct 28th. Now I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and sane until then.

Greenspan is nuts.

Alan Greenspan is simply nuts. He's always been against regulating derivative trading for better or for worse, but his reasoning is batshite insane. From the NY Times:

The problem is not that the contracts failed, he says. Rather, the people using them got greedy. A lack of integrity spawned the crisis, he argued in a speech a week ago at Georgetown University, intimating that those peddling derivatives were not as reliable as “the pharmacist who fills the prescription ordered by our physician.”

...

“It seems superfluous to constrain trading in some of the newer derivatives and other innovative financial contracts of the past decade,” Mr. Greenspan writes. “The worst have failed; investors no longer fund them and are not likely to in the future.”

In his Georgetown speech, he entertained no talk of regulation, describing the financial turmoil as the failure of Wall Street to behave honorably.

“In a market system based on trust, reputation has a significant economic value,” Mr. Greenspan told the audience. “I am therefore distressed at how far we have let concerns for reputation slip in recent years.”


Um.... see, that's what laws and regulations are for. It's why we have laws against stealing and murder and rape - it would be all well and good to just assume that people will act responsibly and in the interest of society knowing that in the end it will benefit them as well. But as we all know, people can be evil and so we can't just trust everyone. That's why we have laws and regulations. Duh.

Our jails are full of people who "failed to behave honorably". I wonder if Greenspan thinks we don't need burglary laws either. I want to see him tell the guy who breaks into his home how distressed he is that he let his reputation slip.

Questions

I have a few questions, and I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of an answer. They're not rhetorical, I just don't understand and I need someone to clue me in.

1. If the Republican Party is all for faith-based initiatives and such, why are community organizers bad? If the government isn't supposed to help the less fortunate and the community isn't supposed to help them, then who do they expect to do it? The less fortunate should help themselves? But... what if they just can't? Too bad?

2. From what I understand, the conservative movement (not necessarily the Republicans) wants government out of their lives - no limits on guns, land use, etc. But then why are they OK with English-only education? Isn't that the government mandating what the school should decide? How is this not government insinuating itself? Also: Patriot Act. Is it that the government shouldn't be able to regulate your private life, just know every last detail about it including what you check out at the library?

3. I'm still pondering how I can be pro-choice (hoping no one ever makes the choice to abort) yet anti-death penalty. I'm quite comfortable with both - I can't impose my moral choices on another woman because morality is flexible (see: women showing ankles/hair/a backbone as immoral in some conservative Islamic cultures). But I do see a big logical problem with telling someone that killing is wrong, yet as your punishment we're going to kill you. I don't buy the eye-for-an-eye argument - we don't rape rapists and we don't take possessions away from theives. It's not our code of justice.

Now, separately, they make sense to me. Big picture and next to each other, I can't quite get it. It's like atonal music - you have to cock your head and work at it.

*****

I have many more questions, but that's all I have time for today.

Soapbox, graphic edition

Soapbox, part two

Wow, sorry. I was really off in my own angry little world that apparently has no grammar rules when I wrote that last post.

But I'm still angry, even if I am inhabiting this world, subject-verb agreement and all.

There's a lot of media blabbery going on about Sarah Palin and her private life. I think it's perfectly fair to discuss what effect a campaign and administration might have on a candidate's family - remember, this same topic came up when Colin Powell was suggested as a candidate. But I find it utterly despicable to say that Sarah Palin is a bad mother because of choices she has made.

Some of the biggies out there: she flew while nearing her due date, she went back to work 3 days after the birth of her son, she has 5 children to take care of and in particular an infant with special needs, and she's thrust her teenage daughter into the public spotlight.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Google has many reliable cohorts - the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and the like - who say that it is generally safe to fly in the third trimester but to check with your doctor. We can't let it be acceptable to question the choices of pregnant women if there is no evidence that what they are doing is harmful. I'm personally sick of overhearing comments from strangers when a woman from the OB clinic nearby orders a coffee from the bakery. It's her pregnancy, and it's her conversation to have with her doctor. She wasn't knocking back shots with a stogie in hand, for cripe's sake.

OK, she and the baby made it through the birth. She only needed to wait 3 days when she went back to work for someone to find another reason to call her a bad mother. I say kudos to her for making her workplace baby-friendly. The way people talk about it, you'd think she plopped the baby carrier next to the copier, went about her business for 8 hours, then went home. I'd be impressed with her if she was working to make sure that what she was able to do was a choice for all women in every walk of life and that it was a true choice - either to return to work with the support of family-friendly policies or the alternative to stay home for at least 6 months, a reasonable length of time to breast feed.

Alright, Trig makes 5. Since when is it only the mother's responsibility to raise these children? Did we learn nothing from Mr. Mom? Dads can do this, too. And more often than happens, they should. Why is this even a topic of discussion?

And finally, the limelight question. This is the hardest one for me, because the choice she makes here affects Bristol directly. There is always a possibility that there is a bit of narcissistic Mommy Dearest going on here. And if it is, then it's sad and would put her into my not-role-model-mom category. But there's also a possibility that she thinks her daughter can handle being temporarily in the spotlight (she'll be old news once another celebrity descends from an Escalade in a short skirt and no undies). We just don't know, and therefore can't assume the worst, even if it does make for lusty headlines.

Now, as this is my rant, I can tell you what I think. I don't like Sarah Palin's political positions and I think she is seriously lacking in the experience required for this job. I wouldn't fly in my third trimester, work would be the very, very last thing on my mind so shortly after giving birth, I'm fairly sure my husband would not be happy staying home to take care of 5 kids whereas I probably would be, and like her I would probably not pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because my daughter made an unfortunate mistake that so many other girls have made.

You may think I'm a horrible wife for convincing myself that the sheets don't need changing just yet or for getting testy with Martin when he has to work late, again. Or you may think I'm a horrible wife for having sex when I really don't feel like it but know that he wants it sooo much. Why am I not more/less domestic/independent? It's none of your business. And her private life is none of mine.

Soapbox, part one

Family values are a whole lot easier with money. Blah blah yippee for the Palin family for sticking to their family values, but their family is not the one I'm worried about. So their 17-year-old will soon be a mother. She'll have financial and emotional support and it'll be damn hard but she'll get through it - they'll make sure she gets through it.

But what about the 17-year-old who gets kicked out by her family when they find out, whose boyfriend high fives his buddies because he's proven he's potent and has his eye on the hot chick on the next block, and who has no idea how she'll finish school or support herself and her baby?

What about the 44 year old who finds out she's carrying a baby with a fatal genetic defect? While I realize Sarah Palin could have made a different choice with her pregnancy, many kids with Downs live and live well. She'd make a woman carry a baby to term, even knowing that that child will die shortly after birth. She doesn't support exceptions in cases of rape or incest or to protect the health of the mother.

I'm fiercely pro-choice, in case you couldn't tell. Sounds funny when you know how desperately I want a baby. The idea of a woman making that choice makes my heart sink, but I can't make it for her. I can't tell her that no matter what, she can't control what goes on inside your own body. I don't believe that the rights of the fetus trump the rights of the mother immediately after conception. And I don't believe I can tell someone that she now has to be an incubator when she doesn't want to.

We need to make this choice easier for women - we need to weight the question on the side of life. We need affordable day care, education possibilities, paternal accountability, and psychological care for any woman who needs it. So many of the women who end up in a clinic are between the cliched rock and hard place. What if they were between said rock and a memory foam pillow? Which way would she lean? See what I'm saying?

Have I mentioned yet that we've started again? I'm on day #5 of the stupidly ironic birth control pills and can start the joys and night sweats of forced menopause on Sept 11th. And as annoying as the side effects are, I'm so glad to be moving forward... a friend who knows about the IVF and miscarriage just announced that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knew as I was confiding in her while still bleeding, and I truly thank her for not telling me then.

I left her house dazed and in tears and went home to an argument with Martin who was too freaked out over our impending home purchase to realize that I needed some comfort. Her news didn't interest him. He didn't get that it interested me very, very much. So we had a bad day.

This home purchase is a whole 'nother basket of crap. (That sounds like the Martha Stewart version of the flaming-bag-of-dog-poop prank, topped with a tasteful gingham bow.) The bank has been too optimistic with their time estimates, so we may have to move our belongings to a storage facility and us into a hotel at the end of the month if the money doesn't come through in time.

Oh, did I mention that my mother is coming to visit? The very same maternal figure who knows nothing about our IVF or miscarriage yet will be here while I'm injecting myself with serious mood-altering drugs that make me twist my face and do the ugly cry at the slightest unhappy thought? Yes, she'll be arriving during the forced menopause stage and will stay through the move and stimulation phase, which means she may also need to be installed in a hotel. It's getting better and better.

I'm somewhat relieved to have to tell her about the IVF (which I'll do after she has arrived). I'm hoping that I might get a little TLC that Martin seems not to be able to give at this moment. He's a good guy and he's worried about me, but he can fly into all-about-me panic mode (many mortgage snafus are not helping my cause) and let's be honest, he's a guy. If I don't tell him specifically that I need something from him, I probably won't get it.

Well. Moving forward. Not feeling so optimistic at the moment, but early days and yadda yadda.

Green Light

Green light to start IVF again! I have the prescriptions and started taking the birth control pills on Saturday. Then we decided to wait an extra month to start IVF again. We're waiting on purpose. I can't believe it... I want so very badly to get moving on this.

Mr Twinge will have to go on a business trip and he guesses it will be right around retrieval and transfer time. I already have plane tickets to London for a wedding - right around retrieval and transfer time. And we're trying to buy a condo. Guess when we'll have to pack and get the old apartment in shape? That's right - right around retrieval and transfer time. On top of all of that, my mother will be coming to stay with us right around retrieval and transfer time, and she still doesn't know about the IVF or miscarriage. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her about it, but there'd be no way to hide it while she's here.

So, looks like it's October for us. Damn it.

Impatient

HCG is at 9 today. The next beta will be on Aug 8th. If it's low enough, then we can make an appointment to start a new cycle. Until then, it's more w a i t i n g.

I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.

A Little Bit

I don't know what is going on with stupid clichés in the news lately, but I've heard reference to "you can't be a little bit pregnant" 4 or 5 times over the past two days.

I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."

How am I supposed to feel about this?

I can't decide if this is good or bad news. I had my follow-up appointment this morning, and it turns out absolutely nothing was wrong (that they could find). Structurally and chromosomally, everything hunkey dory. So then what the hell happened? And how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

And it was a girl.

Optimism, day one - accomplished

I made it very well through my first day of looking forward. No tears, and only slight fear when Mr wanted sex (the OB said it was OK with condoms, but I'm still afraid of infection because I can't keep my fingers from typing bad, bad searches into Google, who then takes absolute glee in pointing me to every possible horror story about what has gone wrong post D&C). I was actually very, very happy. I didn't do my usual day-one diet cheating, either. (This time, I'm not changing what I eat so much as how much of it.)

Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.

I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.

But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.

Looking Forward

I let myself do whatever I wanted this past week. Beer followed by margaritas? Sure. Another slice of pizza? Yes, please. Lots of tapas involving bacon in various forms? But of course.

And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.

Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.

Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.

And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.

Universe, you are one sick bastard

I had my D&C today. All in all, not bad. Except that I took a taxi home because Mr. was going to miss his flight to Vienna and wasn't able to drive me home. Stupid business trip.

So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.

#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,

Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com

Best regards, A


#2 Email in my inbox:

Hi Beth!

...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...

Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?



All the best,

J

Perspective

I cancelled our dinner guests on Friday night. I thought I'd want distraction, but it turned out that I just had no energy left in me and knew I wouldn't be able to put on a happy face, let alone properly operate the oven.

But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.

What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.

Margarita Time

We lost the baby. I think I'll have something alcoholic rather soon.

Missing Post

I hid my last post - the one about my family. There's no reason - they won't find this blog, but I want to follow my own version of the golden rule: blog about others as you would have them blog about you.

Or: assume that the person you wrote about will read the post.

I've written about some of the horrible experiences I've had in my women's group (there are lots of nice people in addition to the horrible ones), but if they ever found this blog and asked me about it, I'd ask them to point out which parts are untrue. I also don't really care what the horrible ones think about me - I tend to stay away from them because they annoy the crap out of me.

But my family - that's another story. They are good and loving people who happen to have some issues. And who doesn't have issues? It's not like they are eating babies or enslaving left-handed Eskimos in the basement.

So that's why the post is gone.

To answer the question of the day in a more appropriate way: I was the peacemaker, now I'm the bystander.

The book is still blank

After my second beta, I bought a beautiful blank book. I'd planned to keep track of this pregnancy week by week so that I could go back and read it on sleepless nights.

That book is still blank. The thought of it sitting on a shelf forever with only a few entries and 100 blank pages was too much for me. I'm now enjoying being pregnant - even if turns out that it's only for a few more weeks. Mr. and I were watching TV in bed when I thought - yes, here we are, the whole family in bed. All three of us.

It doesn't look promising and I know that. I'm not kidding myself and I'm preparing myself for the worst. But for now I'm also having fun thinking about nurseries and names and whether she'll have his smile.

But I still can't write in that damn book.

Not the worst news...

I just got home from the ultrasound. Bad news or good news first? Bad news - the baby is measuring one and a half weeks too small. The OB (yup, OB, not RE) said she wouldn't think a thing about it with a natural conception, but that this is rather uncommon for ICSI babies. Now for the good news - we saw a heartbeat.

We are nowhere near safe yet, but we are also still in the game. Next ultrasound is June 20th, and I'm just going to enjoy myself until then.

I think I know the answer

My symptoms are basically gone. I think I know how tomorrow's ultrasound is going to go. Sigh.

Limbo

So we went for our first ultrasound this morning (6 weeks 5 days) and it's a bit small and no heartbeat. The doctor told me that this is still normal, but that we have to see a heartbeat next week and to remember that not all pregnancies end with a baby. Gaah.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk I was in tears. Mr. is still optimistic, but I don't think I am.

A Little Family Humor

My aunt sent a round mail today to all of us:

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Pass this along


My cousin, her son, wrote back:

Mom,

Thanks for the great idea, since I know Freddie is your favorite son I am going to steal his plate to get free gas and get him arrested. Then your precious little boy will just be just another dirt bag criminal. He will probably even lose his job. There is no way that you could ever love him then. I hope that you are happy with yourself, by sending out this ridiculous email you just got your son in big trouble. Now I just need to find a way to get you to hate Bobby, and I can slide into the number 1 spot. Holy cow I can't believe you send out this junk. I think you need a full time job.


Maybe you don't find this kind of thing funny, but I laughed out loud in my office.

New Twinge Obsessions

I've been kinda twingy in the abdomen and kinda nauseous for a few days. Just a little, just enough to notice. Today - nothing. I know, I know that this means nothing. But... where did my twinges go? They were kind of reassuring. I miss them.

Second beta test is tomorrow. When that turns out OK, then I'll feel much, much better. (I know everything will be fine. I think we already beat the odds and that we've already gotten past the hardest part of this whole process.)

Turns out the gut, it is full of shite

I took yet another home test before my 7 am official, medically certified pregnancy test appointment because I had one left and I didn't want it sitting there mocking me. Stark white. My butt in winter white.

So I kinda forgot to take my progesterone this morning (two suppositories three times a day - the joy at Chateau Beth never ends). I said screw it and had a cup of coffee and a cup of black tea. I made a date with a friend for sushi for tomorrow. I planned my next possible cycle dates. I rode roller coasters, chugged whiskey, and smoked up. Ok, maybe not that last part.

The clinic was supposed to call at 1 pm. My cell phone rang at 3 freaking 30.

"So... Mrs. G?"
"Yes"
"Born on a date you don't care to post on the internet?"
"Yes"
"You came in and took a test today?"
"Yes"
"At 7 this morning?"
"Yes"
"For Dr. R?"
"Yes"
"A pregnancy test?"
"Yes and for the love of George Michael will you please just let me get this horrendous phone call over with so I can go on drowning my sorrows in my whisky... I mean coffee... I mean wholesome water before I scream and cause a ruckus in my relatively new place of work that hasn't gotten to see the true quirkiness of me yet?"
"Congratulations, it is positive."

So I never got to watch a stick glow with the stinky goodness of a second pee line, but I think I can live without it.

(Beta is 148 and the next one is on Monday. Take that, stupid gut.)

The gut, it is mighty

I should know better than to dispute the gut. It is all-knowing and incredibly intuitive. It told me that I wasn't pregnant, and lo and behold - BFN this morning. Beta is tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope.

The gut is now instructing me to pick myself up and get ready for round two. I'm going to listen.

1

One little embryo seems to be OK at this point. So fingers crossed, we'll get to transfer it tomorrow.