14w4d

The ultrasound yesterday went well, but the doc is less sure now that it is a boy. Either way, he/she is a very healthy baby. Yeah!

I have to brag a little now - my wedding band is getting a bit tight so my sweet husband surprised me last night (sigh) with a sparkly ring that will definitely fit throughout. I'll post a photo later.

Back to work now - much to catch up on after vacation.

13w3d

A quick post to say that I'm not going to be posting right now. A friend is in town from the States and I have about 5 minutes of computer time a day. Updates next week.

12w6d

Welcome to the 2nd trimester (almost)!

This morning's scan went really well. And it looks like we're on Team Blue!

11w6d

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'll bet you can guess why I'm thankful this year, so I'll spare you the cheese.

I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It has all of the warmth and togetherness of Christmas without all of the consumer crap. Every German/Brit/other I've invited to celebrate with us has immediately taken to the spirit of the holiday. I love the preparation, the familiar and homey smells, and of course sitting around a big table and seeing all of my friends' faces in the candlelight.

I usually do the big dinner on Saturday as we don't get Thursday and Friday off here (boo), but we have plans this Saturday so I'm making mini-Thanksgiving for Martin and I tonight. I'm not sure if there will be turkey, but my favorite part is the side dishes anyway, so we're going to have chestnut stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and Brussel sprouts. Finished off of course by pumpkin pie.

Guess I get to pardon my own turkey this year. :)

11w4d

It's our 3rd wedding anniversary today, and it's quite astonishing to think of all that we've been through already. I talked to a friend of ours who did 3 rounds of IVF and then decided to adopt (her son is adorable), and she said that when you go through IF it either welds you together or tears you apart.

It hasn't been easy, of course, but I think that's because we were in different stages at different times. When I felt like I was going to implode after the miscarriages, Martin wasn't in a place to understand it. Other times, he was frustrated and down and I was in suck-it-up-and-get-on-with-it mode. Yet through it all, we've managed to figure out how to be together even when we are worlds apart. When we are living on the same planet (which is most of the time now), there's only one word: bliss.

10w6d

So - the question: why Horst?

Horst is a real name, but it's seen as old-fashioned. We could have called him Dudley with a similar effect.

It also has a second meaning - when someone does something stupid or uncouth, you might say he's made a real Horst of himself.

Of course, this is just our silly nickname for him. We have to call him something other than 'baby', but 'snuggiewuggums' is just too cutesy for us. We couldn't decide on a nickname for the other ones either, so we called them by a new, ridiculous name every time. Humperdink, Ethel, Fritz-Peter, Gertrude, etc. This time, Horst just kind of stuck.

9w6d

Another scan today. Horst (his pseudonym for now) is measuring 1 day ahead with a lovely heartrate of 154. My OB is fantastic - Martin couldn't make it to the appointment today so she took me to the super-duper machine one floor up so that she could print out better sonograms for him.

I also got two of my three midwives arranged. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore socialized medicine?! Insurance pays for one midwife for the birth preparation courses, a second midwife for the birth, and a third midwife who visits you at home for a couple of weeks to help with anything you might need. A doctor doesn't step in unless needed. I imagine this ends up costing significantly less than a US hospital birth, but I guess I'll never know as I won't see bills for the birth. :)

Next scan on Dec 3rd - official start to the 2nd trimester.

9w4d

As part of the IVF process, I have to have my blood drawn every week to check hormone levels. For those of you who haven't done IVF, this is because the normal hormones are shut down during the cycle and have to be supplemented until the body can take care of it on its own. I went off of the supplemental hormones a while ago, but they need to keep an eye on the levels until they are sure that the placenta has taken over and is doing its job.

I just got the call from the clinic - no more weekly blood tests for me! Yet another milestone we've never reached before.

9w3d

Today marks the furthest we have ever made it in a pregnancy. I celebrated this morning by finding the heaviest spotting to date. Still brown, but WTF?

I was in Aachen over the weekend for a conference and while there I took a bit of a spill on a slick ramp - maybe this had something to do with it. I also had to schlep my suitcase and conference materials (and tins of special Aachen Christmas cookies called 'Printen'), so maybe it was the repeated lifting?

Doesn't matter - I promised myself no freakouts unless I see red.

8w4d

Minor freakout last night. I'd had all of the usual pregnancy symptoms for some time, and last night they all went away. Poof. Of course my scary pregnancy books and Dr Google told me to go to the doctor right away. The RE's office wouldn't see me as I'd already been released from their care, so I went to my OB's office. They were so patient and understanding, but I could still see that they were worrying about me as a patient. "Oh boy, another one of these worriers who will be on our doorstep any time she gets the hiccups or sneezes too hard."

I don't want to be that patient, so I'm going to take a few steps back and force myself not to worry unless I see blood.

7w6d

To jab or not to jab. The German Medical Association is advising that pregnant women not get the vaccine that is currently available to us. I don't think this is the same vaccine that is being used for pregnant women in the US, so the arguments for and against are a bit different here. I think I'll put off the decision a little while longer.

http://clareswinney.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/german-medical-association-warns-against-giving-pandemrix-to-young-children-pregnant-women/

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1932366,00.html

7w5d

Still in the game. I was confident this morning, then a colleague brought her newborn to the office and I was sure the universe was going to punk me and show me what I couldn't have, then take it all away at the ultrasound appointment.

For now, the baby is fine. It's measuring 2 days behind, but that's not a big deal as there is always room for +/- a few days. The machines and the babies aren't that exact. My lovely doctor saw how freaked out I have been, so she brought me into another room and let me hear the heartbeat, something they don't usually do until 12-13 weeks. She also said that in normal circumstances, my next appointment should be in 4 weeks, but that she was willing to see me every week if that's what I want. I won't be quite that neurotic, but I will go back in 2 weeks instead of 4.

I can't quite exhale yet, but at least we are on our way. Thanks for all of the support - it really does help.

7w3d

It's been one week since the ultrasound, and it feels like it has been 3. I'm feeling less and less pregnant every day, which of course is a sign of nothing except that I'm obsessing and need to cut it out.

Martin is still optimistic, and he's been right about everything so far this round. I simply need to relax and listen to him. Easier said than done, eh?

Tomorrow I have bloodwork at the clinic to see whether I'm doing OK without any supplementation (yup, stopped the estrogen and progesterone last week). Wednesday we get to see the little one again. If everything is OK on Wednesday, we're going to share the news with Martin's grandparents and uncles at his dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday. He's giddy with the thought of it. I can't think past Wednesday.

7w0d

I'm working on trying to stay positive. I've googled and regoogled and there are plenty of women out there who have not a single twinge, cramp, craving, or urge and go on to have healthy babies. So why can't I be satisified with that? I actually considered showing up at my OB this morning to beg for an ultrasound so that I could sleep peacefully over the weekend.

Wednesday's ultrasound is so far off.

6w4d

Sending some love and sympathy to someone who's just landed where I've been too many times. It sucks.

6w3d

So far, so good! First ultrasound was this morning, and everything is perfect. Horst is measuring right on track and we easily saw the heartbeat. This is a big deal for us because we've never had a normal first ultrasound. The first round, we saw a heartbeat but the baby was measuring too small. The second round, we never made it to the ultrasound stage. Third round, the baby was measuring OK but the heartbeat was very hard to find.

Doc is optimistic, so we can be too. Official due date, June 11th. Official maternity leave, April 30th.

EDD #3

Today is the day we should have been bringing home baby #3. It's not quite the same this time as I mourned this one quite a bit on my birthday (which also should have been the first day of maternity leave). We also know that he had a genetic problem that is one of the most common causes of miscarriage, so there's nothing anyone could have done. Being pregnant also helps me look forward rather than dwell on what could have been.

One day I will make this site pretty...

 

I wanted something autumny, so this is what I get until I have the time to actually make a template.

One day, this site might look pretty. Until then, don't hold your breath.

 

Sugar Fix

 

I found Pop Tarts at the grocery store near my office today. I don't like Pop Tarts (maybe that's not fair because I've only ever tried them once) so it's not an issue, but those suckers cost €6.49 for a box of ten. That's nearly $10 American. Holy freaking crap.

However, I am willing to pay €4 for their Pepperidge Farm cookies...

 

Still rising!

 

Beta today at 3636: doubling time of 41 hours. Yeah!

 

Beta #2

 

274, doubling time of 38 hours. A new record for us!

 

Flyby Update

 

Beta came in at 75.

Repeat on Monday.

 

Start your syringes...

 

Got the OK to start stims tonight, so I'm trying to control both the dread of failure and unfettered glee of thinking this one will work.

In any case, we're off and running!

 

Thanks everyone

 

I write my posts as a bit of blog therapy for me rather than thinking someone will read it, but I have to say I always feel better after reading your comments. Thank you so much.

I just popped open a beer even though I wanted to go cold turkey this IVF. I just spotted my neighbor on the street - she and her husband are opera singers so they have the summer off and have been gone visiting their families in Scandinavia. We share a backyard so we see them a lot when they are home... and she has a rather pronounced belly now. Instead of being the good neighbor and welcoming her home, I ran into my apartment and hid.

Gaah. That makes 6 in one week.

On the up-side, I took my last birth control pill this morning in preparation for our 5th round of IVF. This round has to be it for us, right? It's gonna work?!

 

another one...

 

Oh come on already! I've put another Facebooker on 'hide' because she's announced her pregnancy with a big happy sonogram as her profile photo. This week's tally for hitting the 'hide' button due to baby blabber? Five.

This latest one pisses me off a bit more than the others because she's so young and flaky.

Another young 'un is also in the throes of morning sickness - 22, barely married, and her husband says creepy things to her.

#3 was nearly devastated that it took them 6 whole months to conceive. Of course, she hadn't charted or done anything like that, so I think 6 months is rather reasonable. She doesn't want to hear that though, so I won't say it. She will be hearing the smack of my head against a very immobile wall if she doesn't cut out the whining about it... you're pregnant and so obviously not infertile, so SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ALMOST BEING INFERTILE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT. Whew.

#4 has kids that are nearly out of the house. "Whoops" doesn't even start to cover it. She's happy and sad all at the same time. I can completely understand why she feels the way she does, but I'm also not in a position to hear from someone who isn't overjoyed to be pregnant.

#5 is someone I know only online and who has gone through more than double the number of miscarriages I have. I am so happy for her, I really am, but I can't read literally 20 updates a day from her on the subject. Oooh - you hiccuped again?! Can that be a sign that your baby is a boy? Three farts in two hours? That means twins, right? Eight weeks along and she bought a stroller, then posted photos of the stroller, then her buyers remorse for not getting it in green instead of brown... at 8 weeks! After 7 miscarriages!

Wow, am I bitter today. And awfully judgy. I shall wear a long black robe and carry a gavel this evening (or my bathrobe and a wooden spoon as I have neither a black robe nor a gavel).

 

Another place to find me...

 

I've had a not-so-hidden blog at twinge.vox.com to work out the whole ART thing. I started it when we weren't letting anyone in on the TTC troubles in our lives, but after this long it's too hard to dodge the "when are you going to have kids" question so we're just giving honest answers now. No more need to hide.

You can find our (mis)adventures in IVF and miscarriage here:
Twinge


Scratch that. It's too hard for people to comment on Vox as you have to get a login, so I'm coming back to Blogger. We're not hiding the IVF anymore, anyway.

Stay tuned right here.

 

Cycle #5: In Progress!

 

CD 3:

Is this our last round? Not sure yet. Some adoption agencies in the US have recently stopped taking overseas US citizens as clients, I guess we'll probably go for another round.

Let me again take this opportunity to rant about folks who ask, "Why don't you just adopt?"

1. I'm afraid to take on a special-needs child with my family so far away and my support network here consisting mainly of transient expats. Many countries do not allow 'healthy' children to be adopted outside of their home country, even if it means those children languish in orphanages.
2. I'll be turned down by many agencies in my own country because I live overseas. It's not illegal, but it is difficult and many agencies don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. There are few German babies to be adopted. We're looking at a 4 year wait here, by which time we'll probably be deemed too old.
4. Will you lend me €20,000 euros for a non-German adoption? Didn't think so.

 

Stupid, Stupid Strato

 

My hosting company froze my account for some reason. "Abuse", apparently. They can't tell me what is wrong with my WordPress installation, what sort of abuse they suspect, or how to even go about diagnosing it. Their words: "someone might have hacked your site". "To make it do what?", I asked. "We already gave you the information," was the reply. "Um, I need more than 'maybe somebody did something' to go on... what flagged the abuse report?" "We already gave you the information. Fix it."

GAAH!

None of the file dates are recent (except for a few posts, and I checked the code and found nothing in those).

I'm furious and will be writing a very angry letter to them demanding my money back and that they cover any transfer fees to a new provider. So don't bother going to bethundmartin.de for a while, and don't ever, ever use Strato as a hosting company.

 

Comment to a red state cousin (of which I have many)

 

You can't seriously support George Bush and criticize Barack Obama's grammar! I don't care if you support George Bush or not, but the irony of calling out Obama's grammar and speech patterns is too much hypocracy for me.

Gaah.

(I'd post this in direct response to her comment on Facebook, but I don't need to start a family feud.)

 

Crapload

 

Hi all. Yet another friend has given birth - their baby girl was born early yesterday morning. That makes 4(!) this month, and another friend just went to his very first Lamaze class with his wife. Add my 2 colleagues who are due in August and September, and that's a crapload of babies.

We're going to start what will most likely be our last round of IVF soon, and I'm trying to be positive. A couple of friends have suggested that I read The Secret, but I can't bring myself to visualize myself pregnant every day because I can only think of how crushing it will be when it all ends badly.

Sorry for the bummer post - I had to get that out. Thanks. And thanks so much for all of your comments - it's so nice to know I'm not alone here. :)

 

Meteorological Math

 

It was 32° C last Friday. It is 16° C this Friday.

Damn. I wanted more ice cream.

For non-metric folks out there:
32° C = 90° F
16° C = 61° F

 

Musical Talent

 

I have none. I'm desperately jealous of those who do.

Open-mic nights can be scary things, but somehow a little touristy (but very cozy) Irish pub in one of the most picturesque parts of the city manages to put on a good one. A friend sings two sets every time, and man, can that girl sing. Sigh. I want her to record an album so I can enjoy her voice more than once a week.

She also kicks our collective butts at SingStar, even when she holds back.

 

Joy, all around

 

Today is my due date from the second miscarriage. I also got my period this morning from the failed IVF. Holy crap, the cramps are bad. And it's Monday. I'm trying to lose the weight I gained through this whole journey, so I can't console myself with chocolate, either.

I bought a giant, complicated knitting machine yesterday. It has more accessories and moving parts than my old Vespa. I'm going to focus on learning to use it tonight, I think (Martin has to work late, as usual.)

And maybe crack open some of the Swiss chocolate we brought back from Zürich last weekend.

 

Tears

 

The tears don't come at appropriate times: hanging laundry in what should be the nursery, seeing the neighbors' newborn, calling my cat 'my little boy', soaping my flat(ish) stomach in the shower. Instead, I have to stop my face from contorting into the 'ugly cry' while on the bus or sitting at my desk at work.

 

Thanks, everyone

 

Looks like #4 was a bust - I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. On to round #5.

 

ART cycle #4 - nearly complete

 

Beta on Thursday.

Of 11 eggs we ended up with one single viable embryo, which of course stuck to the catheter during transfer and required a second attempt.

This whole cycle has been rather craptacular. We got 11 eggs, all of which were ripe. Of those, only 4 fertilized and only 1 of the 4 passed genetic testing (polar body testing of the egg only - PGD is illegal in Germany).

To compare, last time we had 9 eggs, 7 were ripe, 7 fertilized, 2 were transferred and 3 were frozen. (No genetic testing was done).


I'm going to get back in touch with that adoption counselor.

 

2009 is kicking my butt

 

Chalk up another point against me in 2009. We had to put our cat Tibor to sleep over the weekend. Poor guy's kidneys failed - there was nothing useful to be done.

Three pregnancies and one cat lost in 10 months. Damn it.

I want a do-over.

 

Another reason I'm eating bacon on Friday...

 

I'm a former Catholic. There are many, many reasons why.

Here's a big one:
http://www.catholic.org/prwire/headline.php?ID=6395

What may be surprising to the millions of women who cannot conceive and bring a child to term is that NaProTechnology, taught by Dr. Hilgers, is nearly three times more successful than IVF for assisting infertile couples, according to the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, a group founded by Dr. Hilgers at the Creighton University School of Medicine in Omaha.

Infertility at the institute is treated by determining the fertile time of a woman’s cycle, as well as by using surgical techniques such as laser treatment and ovarian wedge resections.

Infertility treatment usually begins with discovering a woman’s fertile time. This can be done with the Sympto-Thermal Method of Natural Family Planning.

Believe what you want about faith, but don't flat out lie about science. Who honestly believes that people turn to IVF because they don't know when their fertile times are?

GAAH. And pass that bacon.

 

Good news?

It was a boy, and it was trisomy 16, the most common form of genetic defect. I was ready to say that I have a hostile womb and just can't carry a baby. Still can't rule that out, but at least that wasn't the cause this time.

Three doctors at two practices believe this is just incredibly crappy luck. If there is a different cause each time, it's easier to believe it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

As I thought, this third miscarriage has hit me harder than I thought. But we're looking forward to our next shot at IVF, probably in 4-5 weeks. It sounds like an eternity from now...

7w6d

Third miscarriage. I don't quite know what to do with myself tonight.

D&C on Friday.

6w6d

We had our first ultrasound this morning, and I'm not very hopeful. There was a heartbeat, but it was hard to find. On the up-side, it's not small like last time. The doctor didn't measure anything, so I have no idea where we're at. He did pull out the sonogram from last time and you can immediately tell the difference.

But this heartbeat thing is freaking me the crap out.

I've got to stay away from Google. Everything I've read says that there should be a strong heartbeat by now, and that a weak one nearly always means miscarriage. A third miscarriage is going to hit me much, much harder than the other two. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

4w5d

It's hard to stay positive sometimes. A hungry cat was pacing on my head at 5 am, which woke me up and left me lying in bed thinking, "oh sweet elvis, I've lost my symptoms!" Which of course is silly. They are going to come and go, but it won't matter because this round IS GOING TO WORK.

I'm going to refrain about posting about the octuplets, other than to say that I don't care if the freakazoid has 14 kids - lots of people have ginormous families and sketchy support systems. I do care that the doc thought it was OK to transfer 6 embryos at once.

My current book is "Reading Lolita in Tehran", and Azar Nafizi put it so well: "It was the sort of anger one gets high on, the kind one takes home to show off to friends and family."

Beta #2...

Beta #2: 328 (doubling time = 1.81 days)

So far, so good!

Next beta: 2/16

This one is going to work. Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking...

Positive Beta

104. Still to early to celebrate, but we're headed in the right direction!

A cycle without drugs (at least not many of them)

We did a frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle this month. Three were thawed, two survived and were transferred. I'm in the two week wait. Beta is scheduled for Feb 6th.

There's been nothing to post on that front: I went for one ultrasound and bloodwork, and a week later they did the transfer. The only drugs I'm taking are oral estrogen and vaginal progesterone. No needles, constant blood testing, or daily transvaginal magic wanding.

Rather boring, wouldn't you say?

We became the live-in can openers for two 14-year-old cats just after Christmas, and one of them has decided this week that my life is far too boring. He has decided to protest Elvis-only-knows-what by peeing on the dining room table and pooping near my husband or his proxy (yesterday near his slippers, this morning on the windowsill behind the sofa where he was sitting).

What a nasty little man. Too bad for us that he's too flippin cute and we are already in love with him. Why does his teensy, cold heart not have room for two goofy bipeds?

Mr Twinge thinks they are mad because we kind of kick them around a bit when we are sleeping. A goofy biped might think that sleeping next to big feet in a small bed is not optimal. Perhaps the felines feel that we are impolite guests in their home.

I don't want to pay for more IVF psychological counseling if I don't have to (freakin expensive), but now I have to dish out for a cat psychologist. I'm literally pussy whipped.