10w6d

So - the question: why Horst?

Horst is a real name, but it's seen as old-fashioned. We could have called him Dudley with a similar effect.

It also has a second meaning - when someone does something stupid or uncouth, you might say he's made a real Horst of himself.

Of course, this is just our silly nickname for him. We have to call him something other than 'baby', but 'snuggiewuggums' is just too cutesy for us. We couldn't decide on a nickname for the other ones either, so we called them by a new, ridiculous name every time. Humperdink, Ethel, Fritz-Peter, Gertrude, etc. This time, Horst just kind of stuck.

9w6d

Another scan today. Horst (his pseudonym for now) is measuring 1 day ahead with a lovely heartrate of 154. My OB is fantastic - Martin couldn't make it to the appointment today so she took me to the super-duper machine one floor up so that she could print out better sonograms for him.

I also got two of my three midwives arranged. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore socialized medicine?! Insurance pays for one midwife for the birth preparation courses, a second midwife for the birth, and a third midwife who visits you at home for a couple of weeks to help with anything you might need. A doctor doesn't step in unless needed. I imagine this ends up costing significantly less than a US hospital birth, but I guess I'll never know as I won't see bills for the birth. :)

Next scan on Dec 3rd - official start to the 2nd trimester.

9w4d

As part of the IVF process, I have to have my blood drawn every week to check hormone levels. For those of you who haven't done IVF, this is because the normal hormones are shut down during the cycle and have to be supplemented until the body can take care of it on its own. I went off of the supplemental hormones a while ago, but they need to keep an eye on the levels until they are sure that the placenta has taken over and is doing its job.

I just got the call from the clinic - no more weekly blood tests for me! Yet another milestone we've never reached before.

9w3d

Today marks the furthest we have ever made it in a pregnancy. I celebrated this morning by finding the heaviest spotting to date. Still brown, but WTF?

I was in Aachen over the weekend for a conference and while there I took a bit of a spill on a slick ramp - maybe this had something to do with it. I also had to schlep my suitcase and conference materials (and tins of special Aachen Christmas cookies called 'Printen'), so maybe it was the repeated lifting?

Doesn't matter - I promised myself no freakouts unless I see red.

8w4d

Minor freakout last night. I'd had all of the usual pregnancy symptoms for some time, and last night they all went away. Poof. Of course my scary pregnancy books and Dr Google told me to go to the doctor right away. The RE's office wouldn't see me as I'd already been released from their care, so I went to my OB's office. They were so patient and understanding, but I could still see that they were worrying about me as a patient. "Oh boy, another one of these worriers who will be on our doorstep any time she gets the hiccups or sneezes too hard."

I don't want to be that patient, so I'm going to take a few steps back and force myself not to worry unless I see blood.

7w6d

To jab or not to jab. The German Medical Association is advising that pregnant women not get the vaccine that is currently available to us. I don't think this is the same vaccine that is being used for pregnant women in the US, so the arguments for and against are a bit different here. I think I'll put off the decision a little while longer.

http://clareswinney.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/german-medical-association-warns-against-giving-pandemrix-to-young-children-pregnant-women/

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1932366,00.html

7w5d

Still in the game. I was confident this morning, then a colleague brought her newborn to the office and I was sure the universe was going to punk me and show me what I couldn't have, then take it all away at the ultrasound appointment.

For now, the baby is fine. It's measuring 2 days behind, but that's not a big deal as there is always room for +/- a few days. The machines and the babies aren't that exact. My lovely doctor saw how freaked out I have been, so she brought me into another room and let me hear the heartbeat, something they don't usually do until 12-13 weeks. She also said that in normal circumstances, my next appointment should be in 4 weeks, but that she was willing to see me every week if that's what I want. I won't be quite that neurotic, but I will go back in 2 weeks instead of 4.

I can't quite exhale yet, but at least we are on our way. Thanks for all of the support - it really does help.

7w3d

It's been one week since the ultrasound, and it feels like it has been 3. I'm feeling less and less pregnant every day, which of course is a sign of nothing except that I'm obsessing and need to cut it out.

Martin is still optimistic, and he's been right about everything so far this round. I simply need to relax and listen to him. Easier said than done, eh?

Tomorrow I have bloodwork at the clinic to see whether I'm doing OK without any supplementation (yup, stopped the estrogen and progesterone last week). Wednesday we get to see the little one again. If everything is OK on Wednesday, we're going to share the news with Martin's grandparents and uncles at his dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday. He's giddy with the thought of it. I can't think past Wednesday.

7w0d

I'm working on trying to stay positive. I've googled and regoogled and there are plenty of women out there who have not a single twinge, cramp, craving, or urge and go on to have healthy babies. So why can't I be satisified with that? I actually considered showing up at my OB this morning to beg for an ultrasound so that I could sleep peacefully over the weekend.

Wednesday's ultrasound is so far off.

6w4d

Sending some love and sympathy to someone who's just landed where I've been too many times. It sucks.

6w3d

So far, so good! First ultrasound was this morning, and everything is perfect. Horst is measuring right on track and we easily saw the heartbeat. This is a big deal for us because we've never had a normal first ultrasound. The first round, we saw a heartbeat but the baby was measuring too small. The second round, we never made it to the ultrasound stage. Third round, the baby was measuring OK but the heartbeat was very hard to find.

Doc is optimistic, so we can be too. Official due date, June 11th. Official maternity leave, April 30th.

EDD #3

Today is the day we should have been bringing home baby #3. It's not quite the same this time as I mourned this one quite a bit on my birthday (which also should have been the first day of maternity leave). We also know that he had a genetic problem that is one of the most common causes of miscarriage, so there's nothing anyone could have done. Being pregnant also helps me look forward rather than dwell on what could have been.

One day I will make this site pretty...

 

I wanted something autumny, so this is what I get until I have the time to actually make a template.

One day, this site might look pretty. Until then, don't hold your breath.

 

Sugar Fix

 

I found Pop Tarts at the grocery store near my office today. I don't like Pop Tarts (maybe that's not fair because I've only ever tried them once) so it's not an issue, but those suckers cost €6.49 for a box of ten. That's nearly $10 American. Holy freaking crap.

However, I am willing to pay €4 for their Pepperidge Farm cookies...

 

Still rising!

 

Beta today at 3636: doubling time of 41 hours. Yeah!

 

Beta #2

 

274, doubling time of 38 hours. A new record for us!

 

Flyby Update

 

Beta came in at 75.

Repeat on Monday.

 

Start your syringes...

 

Got the OK to start stims tonight, so I'm trying to control both the dread of failure and unfettered glee of thinking this one will work.

In any case, we're off and running!

 

Thanks everyone

 

I write my posts as a bit of blog therapy for me rather than thinking someone will read it, but I have to say I always feel better after reading your comments. Thank you so much.

I just popped open a beer even though I wanted to go cold turkey this IVF. I just spotted my neighbor on the street - she and her husband are opera singers so they have the summer off and have been gone visiting their families in Scandinavia. We share a backyard so we see them a lot when they are home... and she has a rather pronounced belly now. Instead of being the good neighbor and welcoming her home, I ran into my apartment and hid.

Gaah. That makes 6 in one week.

On the up-side, I took my last birth control pill this morning in preparation for our 5th round of IVF. This round has to be it for us, right? It's gonna work?!

 

another one...

 

Oh come on already! I've put another Facebooker on 'hide' because she's announced her pregnancy with a big happy sonogram as her profile photo. This week's tally for hitting the 'hide' button due to baby blabber? Five.

This latest one pisses me off a bit more than the others because she's so young and flaky.

Another young 'un is also in the throes of morning sickness - 22, barely married, and her husband says creepy things to her.

#3 was nearly devastated that it took them 6 whole months to conceive. Of course, she hadn't charted or done anything like that, so I think 6 months is rather reasonable. She doesn't want to hear that though, so I won't say it. She will be hearing the smack of my head against a very immobile wall if she doesn't cut out the whining about it... you're pregnant and so obviously not infertile, so SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ALMOST BEING INFERTILE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT. Whew.

#4 has kids that are nearly out of the house. "Whoops" doesn't even start to cover it. She's happy and sad all at the same time. I can completely understand why she feels the way she does, but I'm also not in a position to hear from someone who isn't overjoyed to be pregnant.

#5 is someone I know only online and who has gone through more than double the number of miscarriages I have. I am so happy for her, I really am, but I can't read literally 20 updates a day from her on the subject. Oooh - you hiccuped again?! Can that be a sign that your baby is a boy? Three farts in two hours? That means twins, right? Eight weeks along and she bought a stroller, then posted photos of the stroller, then her buyers remorse for not getting it in green instead of brown... at 8 weeks! After 7 miscarriages!

Wow, am I bitter today. And awfully judgy. I shall wear a long black robe and carry a gavel this evening (or my bathrobe and a wooden spoon as I have neither a black robe nor a gavel).

 

Another place to find me...

 

I've had a not-so-hidden blog at twinge.vox.com to work out the whole ART thing. I started it when we weren't letting anyone in on the TTC troubles in our lives, but after this long it's too hard to dodge the "when are you going to have kids" question so we're just giving honest answers now. No more need to hide.

You can find our (mis)adventures in IVF and miscarriage here:
Twinge


Scratch that. It's too hard for people to comment on Vox as you have to get a login, so I'm coming back to Blogger. We're not hiding the IVF anymore, anyway.

Stay tuned right here.

 

Cycle #5: In Progress!

 

CD 3:

Is this our last round? Not sure yet. Some adoption agencies in the US have recently stopped taking overseas US citizens as clients, I guess we'll probably go for another round.

Let me again take this opportunity to rant about folks who ask, "Why don't you just adopt?"

1. I'm afraid to take on a special-needs child with my family so far away and my support network here consisting mainly of transient expats. Many countries do not allow 'healthy' children to be adopted outside of their home country, even if it means those children languish in orphanages.
2. I'll be turned down by many agencies in my own country because I live overseas. It's not illegal, but it is difficult and many agencies don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. There are few German babies to be adopted. We're looking at a 4 year wait here, by which time we'll probably be deemed too old.
4. Will you lend me €20,000 euros for a non-German adoption? Didn't think so.

 

Stupid, Stupid Strato

 

My hosting company froze my account for some reason. "Abuse", apparently. They can't tell me what is wrong with my WordPress installation, what sort of abuse they suspect, or how to even go about diagnosing it. Their words: "someone might have hacked your site". "To make it do what?", I asked. "We already gave you the information," was the reply. "Um, I need more than 'maybe somebody did something' to go on... what flagged the abuse report?" "We already gave you the information. Fix it."

GAAH!

None of the file dates are recent (except for a few posts, and I checked the code and found nothing in those).

I'm furious and will be writing a very angry letter to them demanding my money back and that they cover any transfer fees to a new provider. So don't bother going to bethundmartin.de for a while, and don't ever, ever use Strato as a hosting company.

 

Comment to a red state cousin (of which I have many)

 

You can't seriously support George Bush and criticize Barack Obama's grammar! I don't care if you support George Bush or not, but the irony of calling out Obama's grammar and speech patterns is too much hypocracy for me.

Gaah.

(I'd post this in direct response to her comment on Facebook, but I don't need to start a family feud.)

 

Crapload

 

Hi all. Yet another friend has given birth - their baby girl was born early yesterday morning. That makes 4(!) this month, and another friend just went to his very first Lamaze class with his wife. Add my 2 colleagues who are due in August and September, and that's a crapload of babies.

We're going to start what will most likely be our last round of IVF soon, and I'm trying to be positive. A couple of friends have suggested that I read The Secret, but I can't bring myself to visualize myself pregnant every day because I can only think of how crushing it will be when it all ends badly.

Sorry for the bummer post - I had to get that out. Thanks. And thanks so much for all of your comments - it's so nice to know I'm not alone here. :)

 

Meteorological Math

 

It was 32° C last Friday. It is 16° C this Friday.

Damn. I wanted more ice cream.

For non-metric folks out there:
32° C = 90° F
16° C = 61° F

 

Musical Talent

 

I have none. I'm desperately jealous of those who do.

Open-mic nights can be scary things, but somehow a little touristy (but very cozy) Irish pub in one of the most picturesque parts of the city manages to put on a good one. A friend sings two sets every time, and man, can that girl sing. Sigh. I want her to record an album so I can enjoy her voice more than once a week.

She also kicks our collective butts at SingStar, even when she holds back.

 

Joy, all around

 

Today is my due date from the second miscarriage. I also got my period this morning from the failed IVF. Holy crap, the cramps are bad. And it's Monday. I'm trying to lose the weight I gained through this whole journey, so I can't console myself with chocolate, either.

I bought a giant, complicated knitting machine yesterday. It has more accessories and moving parts than my old Vespa. I'm going to focus on learning to use it tonight, I think (Martin has to work late, as usual.)

And maybe crack open some of the Swiss chocolate we brought back from Zürich last weekend.

 

Tears

 

The tears don't come at appropriate times: hanging laundry in what should be the nursery, seeing the neighbors' newborn, calling my cat 'my little boy', soaping my flat(ish) stomach in the shower. Instead, I have to stop my face from contorting into the 'ugly cry' while on the bus or sitting at my desk at work.

 

Thanks, everyone

 

Looks like #4 was a bust - I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. On to round #5.

 

ART cycle #4 - nearly complete

 

Beta on Thursday.

Of 11 eggs we ended up with one single viable embryo, which of course stuck to the catheter during transfer and required a second attempt.

This whole cycle has been rather craptacular. We got 11 eggs, all of which were ripe. Of those, only 4 fertilized and only 1 of the 4 passed genetic testing (polar body testing of the egg only - PGD is illegal in Germany).

To compare, last time we had 9 eggs, 7 were ripe, 7 fertilized, 2 were transferred and 3 were frozen. (No genetic testing was done).


I'm going to get back in touch with that adoption counselor.

 

2009 is kicking my butt

 

Chalk up another point against me in 2009. We had to put our cat Tibor to sleep over the weekend. Poor guy's kidneys failed - there was nothing useful to be done.

Three pregnancies and one cat lost in 10 months. Damn it.

I want a do-over.