Universe, you are one sick bastard

I had my D&C today. All in all, not bad. Except that I took a taxi home because Mr. was going to miss his flight to Vienna and wasn't able to drive me home. Stupid business trip.

So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.

#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,

Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com

Best regards, A


#2 Email in my inbox:

Hi Beth!

...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...

Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?



All the best,

J

Perspective

I cancelled our dinner guests on Friday night. I thought I'd want distraction, but it turned out that I just had no energy left in me and knew I wouldn't be able to put on a happy face, let alone properly operate the oven.

But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.

What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.

Margarita Time

We lost the baby. I think I'll have something alcoholic rather soon.

Missing Post

I hid my last post - the one about my family. There's no reason - they won't find this blog, but I want to follow my own version of the golden rule: blog about others as you would have them blog about you.

Or: assume that the person you wrote about will read the post.

I've written about some of the horrible experiences I've had in my women's group (there are lots of nice people in addition to the horrible ones), but if they ever found this blog and asked me about it, I'd ask them to point out which parts are untrue. I also don't really care what the horrible ones think about me - I tend to stay away from them because they annoy the crap out of me.

But my family - that's another story. They are good and loving people who happen to have some issues. And who doesn't have issues? It's not like they are eating babies or enslaving left-handed Eskimos in the basement.

So that's why the post is gone.

To answer the question of the day in a more appropriate way: I was the peacemaker, now I'm the bystander.

The book is still blank

After my second beta, I bought a beautiful blank book. I'd planned to keep track of this pregnancy week by week so that I could go back and read it on sleepless nights.

That book is still blank. The thought of it sitting on a shelf forever with only a few entries and 100 blank pages was too much for me. I'm now enjoying being pregnant - even if turns out that it's only for a few more weeks. Mr. and I were watching TV in bed when I thought - yes, here we are, the whole family in bed. All three of us.

It doesn't look promising and I know that. I'm not kidding myself and I'm preparing myself for the worst. But for now I'm also having fun thinking about nurseries and names and whether she'll have his smile.

But I still can't write in that damn book.

Not the worst news...

I just got home from the ultrasound. Bad news or good news first? Bad news - the baby is measuring one and a half weeks too small. The OB (yup, OB, not RE) said she wouldn't think a thing about it with a natural conception, but that this is rather uncommon for ICSI babies. Now for the good news - we saw a heartbeat.

We are nowhere near safe yet, but we are also still in the game. Next ultrasound is June 20th, and I'm just going to enjoy myself until then.

I think I know the answer

My symptoms are basically gone. I think I know how tomorrow's ultrasound is going to go. Sigh.

Limbo

So we went for our first ultrasound this morning (6 weeks 5 days) and it's a bit small and no heartbeat. The doctor told me that this is still normal, but that we have to see a heartbeat next week and to remember that not all pregnancies end with a baby. Gaah.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk I was in tears. Mr. is still optimistic, but I don't think I am.