Turns out the gut, it is full of shite

I took yet another home test before my 7 am official, medically certified pregnancy test appointment because I had one left and I didn't want it sitting there mocking me. Stark white. My butt in winter white.

So I kinda forgot to take my progesterone this morning (two suppositories three times a day - the joy at Chateau Beth never ends). I said screw it and had a cup of coffee and a cup of black tea. I made a date with a friend for sushi for tomorrow. I planned my next possible cycle dates. I rode roller coasters, chugged whiskey, and smoked up. Ok, maybe not that last part.

The clinic was supposed to call at 1 pm. My cell phone rang at 3 freaking 30.

"So... Mrs. G?"
"Yes"
"Born on a date you don't care to post on the internet?"
"Yes"
"You came in and took a test today?"
"Yes"
"At 7 this morning?"
"Yes"
"For Dr. R?"
"Yes"
"A pregnancy test?"
"Yes and for the love of George Michael will you please just let me get this horrendous phone call over with so I can go on drowning my sorrows in my whisky... I mean coffee... I mean wholesome water before I scream and cause a ruckus in my relatively new place of work that hasn't gotten to see the true quirkiness of me yet?"
"Congratulations, it is positive."

So I never got to watch a stick glow with the stinky goodness of a second pee line, but I think I can live without it.

(Beta is 148 and the next one is on Monday. Take that, stupid gut.)

The gut, it is mighty

I should know better than to dispute the gut. It is all-knowing and incredibly intuitive. It told me that I wasn't pregnant, and lo and behold - BFN this morning. Beta is tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope.

The gut is now instructing me to pick myself up and get ready for round two. I'm going to listen.

1

One little embryo seems to be OK at this point. So fingers crossed, we'll get to transfer it tomorrow.

2

Yup, 2. That's how many eggs we got at retrieval today. There were lots of big follicles on the screen (although the doc never did a full count)... so how can I have only 2 eggs?

I'm already prepared for a negative this cycle. Yeah, I know, it only takes one and blah-di-dah, but let's be straight here. The chances with only 2 are pretty damn slim. So - I know I'm not out, but realistically I know I'm pretty close.

At least I'll be able to fly home for Thanksgiving this year without worrying about my 3rd trimester. Sigh.

Surfacing

It's Friday and I'm meeting some girlfriends for sushi. I kind of want to tell them about the whole IVF thing, especially as I'm toting a big ass bag of medications and protein powder to the restaurant. On the other hand, if I do that, then I have to tell them the results when they come in, and that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't know how I'd do it if it's negative.

I guess I should post a little catch-up: I started taking the birth control pills on March 20th and started snorting the suppressant on April 2nd. The stimulation injections began on April 18th, which means today will be the 8th injection. It's looking like retrieval will be on April 30th.

One ovary is not responding very well, but luckily the other is practically over responding so the total count will be OK. The doc didn't count at the appointment this morning, he just had a quick look. I think Monday's appointment will be a bit more thorough.

He also told me to expect a lot of pain on the left side after the trigger - joy! Something to look forward to! Ah well. I'll happily accept it for the chance to make this work.

So. That's where I am. Out a boatload of cash for medication and freaked out as all get out.

Thank You

I've been staying away, trying to keep my life as normal as possible. I'm trying not to wallow. (Wow, is that a good word. Like loaf or squiggle. Anyhoo.)

I just wanted to write a quick note to all of you - thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been reading all of your posts - all of them - and although I haven't commented, I'm still passively here, absorbing your posts.

I'm not sure that I'm going to post so often in the coming weeks. I'm getting my hopes up and trying to keep them under control at the same time... sitting and contemplating and then writing about it doesn't help in that effort.

In general, I'm to start snorting some chemical up my nose next Wednesday. I'll have a wonderful intimate wanding on April 18th, and I guess after that I get to learn how a syringe works.

This is all part of my Zen plan. I've read so many articles from medical journals and quite technical books about IVF that I feel I know why and in what order things happen. My doctor has read all of this and more, so now it's time to trust him and just go with the Flow. My obsession with all things fertility has waned, and now I'm happy to say yes sir when he tells me to inject some random vial into my butt.

I can't do any more. I think I'd know enough now to stand up for my reproductive self if I felt something was amiss, but I'm not going to constantly question why I snort while another lady shoots up. (I've been in contact with other ladies in my clinic via a very humorous forum - and I provide the humor with my hacked posts in a language I muddle through when speaking by mumbling through the important verb endings. I can't mumble in forum posts.)

So, that's that for a while. If anything important happens or I just need to vent, I'll be here to post. But even if you don't actually hear from me, know I'm still reading your posts and still very grateful that you've been reading mine.

Just a quick update

We started our first IVF cycle on Thursday. Woohoo! And finally! So now it's 7-8 looong weeks of waiting and hoping.

Told ya this update would be quick.

Finally moving forward

We had another appointment at the clinic today, and we finally have something to actually do! OK, it involves more waiting, but there is also action, it requires a manly figure, and it could employ a kung-fu grip. Mr. got to mail in our treatment plan to his insurance, and his iron vice of a hand didn't even pierce the envelope. Then... guess what? We get to wait. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Oh, but after it comes back we get to send it in to my insurance and wait some more. Once the bureaucrats are done having their fun, the clinic will mail us all of the medications and we can get our own party started.

Alright, bitchy time is over.

Now I get to say how much I love our new doctor. After Dr. Rumpus McFusselpuss, Downer MD, even Dr. House would be a ray of Pollyanna sunshine. (Yes, I do know that referring to TV characters in reference to real life signals an addiction to the soul suck that is TV. I can quit any time I want, and I'll keep saying that while my eyeballs dry out at 4 am because I'm so engrossed - read: brain dead - that I forgot to blink.)

Anyhoodle. Where was I? Yeah, attention span of a gnat.

The doc who gives me twinges of joy. Yes. He explained exactly why I have to take Dexmethasone at night. He went over the semen analysis. He sympathized with the whole injections thing, yet explained why I'll only get the progesterone as a nasal spray. And he freely did all of this while smiling. And asking questions about us and our relationship because I think he is genuinely interested in us as people, not just as a penis and a uterus. He was curious about what language we speak at home (answer: the one that's not English) and how we'll speak to our child (answer: each in our native language). We chatted a bit about culture shock and American bureaucracy in comparison to our local pencil pushers. It was pleasant, and we left feeling that the staff as a whole are looking out for us.

So. Yes, we are waiting some more. But Mr. got to carry an envelope to the post office today, and that's a giant step towards actually starting treatment. Finally, 10 months into this, but woohoo... here we go!

You can ignore this post

This is a serious blog therapy post for me. I'm writing for me because I need to get it out. Miss "Rubbing It In", I don't care to hear your thoughts. I'm not going to read any further private messages from you.

Anyhoo.

My period came. I knew it would because I'm extremely regular. And I knew Mr.'s results wouldn't be ready.

I called the clinic this morning to find out if I can at least start the pill this month. Nope, I can't start anything until all of the results are in. Mr.'s results should be here in a few days, so we'll have to wait another cycle all for a few days delay.

Charting was making me crazy, so I quit doing that a while back. It was a fantastic decision and now I use the free service just to track my menses. When I logged in tonight to enter the start of my period, I saw that we are now on cycle 11. I know, that doesn't seem like a lot to people who have been trying for ages. But we started down the infertility path only a couple of months into it, so we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to just do something about it already for nearly 9 of those 11 months.

I wasn't terribly emotional at the start. I'm a practical sort of person, and when Mr. told me that he suspected he had a problem I didn't cry. The tears came for only a few minutes when he got the confirmation from the doc. The next 5 or 6 months were relatively uneventful emotionally. I was resolved to tackle this and I was sure that I, and we, would be OK if it didn't happen. Now I know that we'll be OK, but I'm not so sure about me.

Slowly, I started reacting to babies. Everywhere. TV shows, public transportation, baby food in the supermarket. It has gotten to the point where I nearly lost it at work this week for some baby-related comment that I don't even recall anymore. I do remember bitterly fighting not to cry in front of my new colleagues. I was sick last week and watched the local equivalent of Baby Story two days in a row, sobbing throughout each half hour episode. I'm not a sobber, but it was cathartic.

It's nearly midnight and I'm tired just from writing this. Maybe tomorrow I can organize my thoughts and write something coherent. For tonight, just getting this far was enough.

The insurance downside

Mr. just called. He had just finished with his appointment to give his sample for the last sperm analysis. The specialist said that our doctor will have the results and his recommendation report within two weeks. I know they have to actually do the analysis within an hour, so the two week lag is the joy of semi-socialized medicine.

I'm due to start a new cycle in a few days, and since our doctor won't have the results in time, he won't be able to submit a treatment plan to our insurance in time for this cycle. That means waiting some more, and as we all know, patience is my best quality. Ahem.

I'm still here...

I took a little break from writing, both here and on my "public" blog. In addition to that, I by and large gave up charting. The lack of constant contemplation makes it seem as if time has flown, and that's good because we are still playing the IVF waiting game.

Here's a little catch-up:

Our new clinic is fantastic. I found out that yes, I do have PCOS, but it's incredibly mild and hasn't seemed to have ever interfered with ovulation or my cycle. I'm taking a teeny dose of a steroid and it has totally normalized my wonky hormones, so yay.

Mr. goes for his 4th semen analysis tomorrow. This will be the second one for the new clinic, because apparently the old clinic didn't record some values that the new clinic really wants to know, like, oh, TOTAL SPERM COUNT. Yes, that's right. The number that we assumed was the count on the first two wasn't (my translation error? no idea..).

The doctor sent Mr. to a specialist where they do a hand count and the specialist wanted to know if there were more than 10 in the sample. There were 10 million. All deformed, but perfectly acceptable for ICSI. Tomorrow should just confirm the results.

The geneticist at the mandatory genetic counseling was fun. He was quite young but incredibly intense with crazy eyes, and it provided for much fodder for Young Frankenstein jokes in the elevator on the way out.

So, where are we now? Waiting, of course. I have no idea how the whole insurance approval thing works (thank god for nationally mandated IVF coverage), but I'm hoping we can get moving on this soon. And now I'm feeling like I can talk about it again.

yeah.

I just read an email from my mom. The daughter of a friend of hers is pregnant. This makes baby #11 in the past year. Yes, we are now up to 11.

I'm so happy for this girl, she was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade and underwent a lot of chemo and radiation for a couple of years. She'll go into early menopause and they thought it was highly unlikely that she would ever have children, so this baby really is a miracle for them.

I'm trying really hard not to go into "why not me, too" mode, because I certainly would rather be in my position than hers. But still, she'll have a baby in June and I won't. So, thank god I'm healthy. But still. ARGH.

The insurance question

Yet another reason to feel so incredibly lucky.

I'm an American who lives in Europe. The particular country in which I live mandates health insurance. For everyone. You gotta have it. If you lose your job, the government helps you pay your premiums. There's no other choice.

If you income is below a certain level (an above-average salary), you have to take the state insurance. This doesn't come directly from the state, it comes from private companies that must by law offer a certain level of coverage. In general, it costs between 10 and 15% of your pre-tax income, depending on the company you choose.

Private insurance (an option for those who earn more than the threshhold) is a bit different and is closer to the American system, which means that it also gets more expensive as you get older. We decided to stick with the state insurance.

So, what does this mean for us? The government mandates that IVF is 50% covered for the first 3 tries per child. If we decide to try for a second, then we get another 3 covered. This in and of itself is excellent news. Additionally, the medical system here is not so broken that everything costs 10 times what it should. Even if we had to pay for the whole shebang, it would come to about 3,000 euros. Uh huh. One-third to one-quarter of the cost, even without insurance.

And our president claims that the US healthcare system is OK.

Maybe next year...

Test was glaringly negative. It's day 15 (3-4 days longer than usual), my temperature is still above the coverline, and I have no period or spotting. My body is obviously messing with me now.

But... I can drink wine over the weekend in Spain. That's something.

Thanks for the hand-holding. It's nice to have someone to wait with.

The Good News and the Bad News

I'll start with the bad. Mr. got his second semen analysis results via telephone yesterday and they are worse. To recap the last results: less than a million total and all have very poor morphology. The doc told Mr. over the phone that we should make an appointment because ICSI may not even be an option. Yeah, that super attitude is why our appointment in December is with another clinic, one that likes to share stories of how they found two lonely sperm in a sample and still created a pregnancy.


Now for the good - or at least not bad. It is 14 days past ovulation, which is two days longer than normal, and my temperature is still quite above the coverline, although a little lower than yesterday and the day before. I have no signs of my usual cramps or spotting or any of that. Yeah, combined with the results from yesterday, this is weird.

So, if nothing occurs by tomorrow morning, I'm breaking out that test. :) Thanks for the good wishes!

Idiot Anonymous

Hi, my name is Beth, and I'm an idiot.

*Hi Beth*

I'm setting myself up again for a huge disappointment. I don't want to be one of those crazy women who posts every last little symptom and sign: could I be? am I? am I not?. I think I've said that quite a bit before. So I guess I also should locate the nearest chapter of Boring Repetitious Bloggers Anonymous. But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to share my latest tale of idiocy.

I have a very, very regular cycle. This cycle is turning out not to be so regular. And my heart is saying "neener neener" and doing that thumb-to-nose finger-waving thing to my brain. My brain is getting rather pissed off at such a juvenile display and is kind of hankering to bitch-slap my heart when it's not looking, but the brain has no arms and can't reach that far so that's kind of a stupid thing for a brain to want to do.

I went searching through my apartment for one of my cheap pregnancy tests this morning. The only one I could find was the expensive-ish one, and I'm not about to pee on 8 euros just because I'm an idiot. I may well be an idiot, but I'm a frugal idiot who is planning three vacations and IVF. So now we're at the waiting stage - waiting for the cramps, spotting, and temperature drop that I expected a day or two ago. Two more days to wait and then we'll see.

I've been away...

I've been working in another city for a few days, and I don't have internet there.

Just in case you were wondering what the big deal a few days ago was... I quit my job of 4 1/2 years. And my new boss is friends with my old boss. Which made quitting rather uncomfortable.

In any case, contractually I have to give notice for the end of the quarter (Dec. 31st) six weeks prior. But I have vacation starting Dec 17th... which means only four more weeks! And two of those involve long weekends!

So that's where I've been. I have a six month probationary period at the new place, so of course I had to tell them about the IVF. I can't continually be gone for appointments without them knowing why. It was odd to tell them and still not have told our families. Ah well, the bosses won't point to my *ahem* not-so-studious (i.e. not-so-sober) college days as the reason we are having trouble now.

Second time's the charm?

Mr. went for his second sperm analysis today. We get the results in a few days. Ah, more waiting. Just what my patient self loves to do. I also never get marks in my fresh nail polish because I'm that good with waiting.

Ahem. Back from Fantasyland. Sorry about that little diversion.

The doctor from our IVF informational evening and Dr. Silber, author of my favorite IVF book, both stress how variable these results can be from day to day. They have charts! I like statistical charts! So now I'm wondering if the last results were on the bad end... we were in Amsterdam right before the last sample, ahem. He also hadn't quit smoking at that point. Or maybe the result was on the better end, despite the indulgences. Or - and this is what I am expecting - it was a fairly normal sample.

Mr. is finally ready to start learning more about the situation. He's read his sperm report a number of times, but I think until now he'd only seen little Viagra pills dancing across the page, taunting him and denigrating his manhood. Nasty little buggers those, making him think that a bad sperm analysis means he's impotent or will soon be. Last week he finally asked me if I knew what it all meant, so I gave him the synopsis and suggested he look at some of my books. So much for light bedtime reading. Last night, his brain started smoking over a section on azoospermia. I had to calm the poor guy down and show him the section on oligospermia. Our new mantra: a few is better than none.

Mr. was on a prize jury, so he's off to the awards ceremony tonight in another city a plane ride away. That's good - something to get his mind off of it, at least for tonight. As for me, I'm going to light many, many candles and watch crap TV and try not get marks in my nail polish.

Keeping Up

I want to do NaBloPoMo with both this blog and my regular blog that has nothing whatsoever to do with babies. I got a late start on this one because it didn't occur to me to post on both.

But tonight it's really cold in our apartment and I just battled it out to get two FTP servers running on two different computers at home (yes, I'm a total geek). Now I want to go to bed so this is all the post you get for today.

I think this is technically cheating, but it's better than flaking out in the first week, right?

Some People...

I like Oprah. She seems smart and compassionate, so it pissed me off even more than it should have when I read an transcript of one of her shows wherein she asks a woman struggling (and spending) to conceive if she had considered adoption.

It is a loaded question for infertiles. 'No' implies that you are selfish and don't care about giving a loving home to children who desperately need one. 'Not yet' suggests that these kids would be second choice, again making you selfish. 'Yes' means you've given up. Notice that fertile people are never guilted with the 'poor little orphans' number.

You wouldn't suggest to a family who just lost a child that they get started on a replacement. The need time to mourn their first before they can be healthy parents to another. The feelings are similar for the little one you've dreamt of but haven't met yet. You imagine seeing your husband's goofy grin or your freckles on this person who the two of you created. We as women have heard so much about the amazing experience of carrying a life within us... and now we're supposed to turn all of that emotion off and just be happy to have any child.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I know that adopted children are just as wanted and loved as biological offspring. But I don't want to adopt out of desperation. I want to want to adopt. I'm a long way from that point. Am I selfish for spending so much money in an attempt to have my own baby? Damn straight. And if it doesn't work for us, I'll cry and mourn and eventually get over it. And that's the point where I'll research adoption more thoroughly.

But don't suggest it to me before I get there.