I like Oprah. She seems smart and compassionate, so it pissed me off even more than it should have when I read an transcript of one of her shows wherein she asks a woman struggling (and spending) to conceive if she had considered adoption.
It is a loaded question for infertiles. 'No' implies that you are selfish and don't care about giving a loving home to children who desperately need one. 'Not yet' suggests that these kids would be second choice, again making you selfish. 'Yes' means you've given up. Notice that fertile people are never guilted with the 'poor little orphans' number.
You wouldn't suggest to a family who just lost a child that they get started on a replacement. The need time to mourn their first before they can be healthy parents to another. The feelings are similar for the little one you've dreamt of but haven't met yet. You imagine seeing your husband's goofy grin or your freckles on this person who the two of you created. We as women have heard so much about the amazing experience of carrying a life within us... and now we're supposed to turn all of that emotion off and just be happy to have any child.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. I know that adopted children are just as wanted and loved as biological offspring. But I don't want to adopt out of desperation. I want to want to adopt. I'm a long way from that point. Am I selfish for spending so much money in an attempt to have my own baby? Damn straight. And if it doesn't work for us, I'll cry and mourn and eventually get over it. And that's the point where I'll research adoption more thoroughly.
But don't suggest it to me before I get there.
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