No BloPoMo

I was all geared up to do the NaBloPoMo, until my laptop crashed again. Thank you, Vista. Plugging in a scanner should not kill an operating system.

Anyhoodle.

I met with a therapist at our fertility clinic this week. It was good. I may go back when we start our frozen embryo cycle in January.

I think I'll be going a bit Amish until then. One of my favorite bloggers, Dooce, just announced that she's pregnant with her second, and two women from my IVF forum just found out that they are having twins. As much as I'm happy for them, it makes my situation harder for me to bear.

I missed fall this year. I love the fall. Instead of wandering over to the café opposite my house to sit under a blanket and sip a hot mulled wine, I huddled in front of the TV and gave myself an electronic lobotomy. It was the easier choice for me, although Mr Twinge might see it another way.

So now I'm going to enjoy the holidays. We fly to Denver tomorrow to visit friends and then we hit Chicago on Tuesday for a week and a half with my parents and sisters. (Yeah, now that I've told my family about the whole IVF thing, I'm not worried about outing myself here so I can tell you where I'm from.)

Maybe I'll be back in two weeks. Maybe not. We'll see how it goes.

So Much for NaBloPoMo

 

I knew trying to keep up with two blogs would be too much for slacker me. But I have a good reason for going AWOL - we celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday and I was cooking a ginormous feast for 8. Sunday, Mr. and I had one of our rare fights and I just didn't feel like posting. What could I say? That we were fighting over leftovers? Because we were. And it was totally stupid.

There are big things afoot in the G household tomorrow. Again, the doocing, so I can't say exactly what. But keep your fingers crossed that it works out. And I'll explain when I can. :)

 

Negative

 

This blog seems to bring out my negativity, and if you are me, and I just happen to be me, that's a good thing. It means I get to blow off steam or write about what I am afraid of. That's why I started it, after all. I never expected that people who don't happen to be me would ever actually read it.

I have real stories; oh, do I have stories. It's a regular Melrose Place around Mr.'s office, and mine kind of resembles The Office. Maybe one day, if either of us leave our current job, I'll write about it. In the case of Mr.'s colleagues, I think it would have to involve graphics to illustrate all of the incestuous goings on. Maybe some linked bios just so you can keep track. But we can't really afford to get dooced right now.

So sorry for the boringness. But the web is full of cool stuff, like this light-emitting wallpaper I want for my bedroom. Blog therapy it is, for now.

 

Elect Martin's Tree at Ikea

Election day is finally here. I'm nervous. I wanted to vote for McCain in 2000 (I also would have voted for Colin Powell, had he run), but I'm honestly about frightened about where the country would go if he were elected today. Does he really think that Bush's tax cuts for the rich (which he previously opposed) create jobs for those lower down on the food chain? It seems to me that he sold his soul for this nomination, and if he wins then we can really usher in the new age of robber barons.

Results won't start to be broadcast until 1 am my time, so I'm going to keep busy by going to dinner with friends and then we're off to see the live show from Found magazine (http://foundmagazine.com/events). So excited - I first heard about Found via This American Life, the über-addictive radio program (http://thislife.org).

After the show, I'm going to camp out on the sofa in front of CNN and possibly BBC. (They are the only two English-language channels, and BBC shares a channel so it's only on in the wee hours. Trust me, I'd much prefer a different news broadcast over CNN drivel. I wonder if one of the German broadcasters is going to do live coverage?)

Funny aside
Martin just called. He's been picked to decorate a Christmas tree at Ikea to compete for a giant box of Christmas decorations. We entered the sweepstakes at the store... and they picked him (although we didn't know it involved audience participation - we just thought they'd call and tell us to pick up the crap).

He goes on Thursday morning to decorate - wish him luck. Although... as we were filling out the sweepstakes cards, we did ask ourselves (out loud, too) if we need/want all of that stuff. The answer was no, but we filled out the cards anyway. If he wins, we'll either have the most craptacular decorations understated Hamburg has ever seen, or we'll spend hours uploading photos to eBay. I'm thinking craptacular.

Sucks

One more day until what I expect to be the final beta. I'm taking progesterone supplements so maybe that's delaying stuff, but I still have no spotting. Weird, huh? Sweet Elvis on a cracker, I hope this won't be like the last time: everything dragged out for weeks only to come to a sucky end.

TV

The NaBloPoMo idea seems silly to me now. I wanted to sit and write and get everything off of my chest, but when I sit at the computer, all I can do is watch crap TV. I've watched more TV this weekend than I have in the previous month, I think.

I have no desire to do much of anything right now except hole up and feel empty.

Shuffle off

I've spent the day nesting and crying. We still have so much to do in the apartment, but Martin doesn't seem to see it the same way. I want everything organized and in its place, and he seems to think that shuffling piles of crap from room to room on an ongoing basis is good enough. We did that in the last place and it drove me nuts. I need some order in my apartment, even if I can't have it in my life.

NaBloPoMo

I'm going to try NaBloPoMo again this year. If you aren't familiar with it, it's a challenge to write a post a day for the month of November. I'm hoping to use it as a bit of blog therapy to deal with what has been going on.

Two IVF cycles, two positive pregnancy tests, two miscarriages. It's hard to believe at this moment that it will ever work.

Probably not viable.

Beta today: 11.

I go back next Tuesday for another blood test, but the clinic doesn't think there is much of a chance.

Here we go again.

Doesn't look good.

6. I can't believe it's happening again. My beta is 6.

Repeat beta in two days.

Transferred!

We transferred two embryoes today and three were frozen. Beta on Oct 28th. Now I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and sane until then.

Greenspan is nuts.

Alan Greenspan is simply nuts. He's always been against regulating derivative trading for better or for worse, but his reasoning is batshite insane. From the NY Times:

The problem is not that the contracts failed, he says. Rather, the people using them got greedy. A lack of integrity spawned the crisis, he argued in a speech a week ago at Georgetown University, intimating that those peddling derivatives were not as reliable as “the pharmacist who fills the prescription ordered by our physician.”

...

“It seems superfluous to constrain trading in some of the newer derivatives and other innovative financial contracts of the past decade,” Mr. Greenspan writes. “The worst have failed; investors no longer fund them and are not likely to in the future.”

In his Georgetown speech, he entertained no talk of regulation, describing the financial turmoil as the failure of Wall Street to behave honorably.

“In a market system based on trust, reputation has a significant economic value,” Mr. Greenspan told the audience. “I am therefore distressed at how far we have let concerns for reputation slip in recent years.”


Um.... see, that's what laws and regulations are for. It's why we have laws against stealing and murder and rape - it would be all well and good to just assume that people will act responsibly and in the interest of society knowing that in the end it will benefit them as well. But as we all know, people can be evil and so we can't just trust everyone. That's why we have laws and regulations. Duh.

Our jails are full of people who "failed to behave honorably". I wonder if Greenspan thinks we don't need burglary laws either. I want to see him tell the guy who breaks into his home how distressed he is that he let his reputation slip.

Questions

I have a few questions, and I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of an answer. They're not rhetorical, I just don't understand and I need someone to clue me in.

1. If the Republican Party is all for faith-based initiatives and such, why are community organizers bad? If the government isn't supposed to help the less fortunate and the community isn't supposed to help them, then who do they expect to do it? The less fortunate should help themselves? But... what if they just can't? Too bad?

2. From what I understand, the conservative movement (not necessarily the Republicans) wants government out of their lives - no limits on guns, land use, etc. But then why are they OK with English-only education? Isn't that the government mandating what the school should decide? How is this not government insinuating itself? Also: Patriot Act. Is it that the government shouldn't be able to regulate your private life, just know every last detail about it including what you check out at the library?

3. I'm still pondering how I can be pro-choice (hoping no one ever makes the choice to abort) yet anti-death penalty. I'm quite comfortable with both - I can't impose my moral choices on another woman because morality is flexible (see: women showing ankles/hair/a backbone as immoral in some conservative Islamic cultures). But I do see a big logical problem with telling someone that killing is wrong, yet as your punishment we're going to kill you. I don't buy the eye-for-an-eye argument - we don't rape rapists and we don't take possessions away from theives. It's not our code of justice.

Now, separately, they make sense to me. Big picture and next to each other, I can't quite get it. It's like atonal music - you have to cock your head and work at it.

*****

I have many more questions, but that's all I have time for today.

Soapbox, graphic edition

Soapbox, part two

Wow, sorry. I was really off in my own angry little world that apparently has no grammar rules when I wrote that last post.

But I'm still angry, even if I am inhabiting this world, subject-verb agreement and all.

There's a lot of media blabbery going on about Sarah Palin and her private life. I think it's perfectly fair to discuss what effect a campaign and administration might have on a candidate's family - remember, this same topic came up when Colin Powell was suggested as a candidate. But I find it utterly despicable to say that Sarah Palin is a bad mother because of choices she has made.

Some of the biggies out there: she flew while nearing her due date, she went back to work 3 days after the birth of her son, she has 5 children to take care of and in particular an infant with special needs, and she's thrust her teenage daughter into the public spotlight.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Google has many reliable cohorts - the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and the like - who say that it is generally safe to fly in the third trimester but to check with your doctor. We can't let it be acceptable to question the choices of pregnant women if there is no evidence that what they are doing is harmful. I'm personally sick of overhearing comments from strangers when a woman from the OB clinic nearby orders a coffee from the bakery. It's her pregnancy, and it's her conversation to have with her doctor. She wasn't knocking back shots with a stogie in hand, for cripe's sake.

OK, she and the baby made it through the birth. She only needed to wait 3 days when she went back to work for someone to find another reason to call her a bad mother. I say kudos to her for making her workplace baby-friendly. The way people talk about it, you'd think she plopped the baby carrier next to the copier, went about her business for 8 hours, then went home. I'd be impressed with her if she was working to make sure that what she was able to do was a choice for all women in every walk of life and that it was a true choice - either to return to work with the support of family-friendly policies or the alternative to stay home for at least 6 months, a reasonable length of time to breast feed.

Alright, Trig makes 5. Since when is it only the mother's responsibility to raise these children? Did we learn nothing from Mr. Mom? Dads can do this, too. And more often than happens, they should. Why is this even a topic of discussion?

And finally, the limelight question. This is the hardest one for me, because the choice she makes here affects Bristol directly. There is always a possibility that there is a bit of narcissistic Mommy Dearest going on here. And if it is, then it's sad and would put her into my not-role-model-mom category. But there's also a possibility that she thinks her daughter can handle being temporarily in the spotlight (she'll be old news once another celebrity descends from an Escalade in a short skirt and no undies). We just don't know, and therefore can't assume the worst, even if it does make for lusty headlines.

Now, as this is my rant, I can tell you what I think. I don't like Sarah Palin's political positions and I think she is seriously lacking in the experience required for this job. I wouldn't fly in my third trimester, work would be the very, very last thing on my mind so shortly after giving birth, I'm fairly sure my husband would not be happy staying home to take care of 5 kids whereas I probably would be, and like her I would probably not pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because my daughter made an unfortunate mistake that so many other girls have made.

You may think I'm a horrible wife for convincing myself that the sheets don't need changing just yet or for getting testy with Martin when he has to work late, again. Or you may think I'm a horrible wife for having sex when I really don't feel like it but know that he wants it sooo much. Why am I not more/less domestic/independent? It's none of your business. And her private life is none of mine.

Soapbox, part one

Family values are a whole lot easier with money. Blah blah yippee for the Palin family for sticking to their family values, but their family is not the one I'm worried about. So their 17-year-old will soon be a mother. She'll have financial and emotional support and it'll be damn hard but she'll get through it - they'll make sure she gets through it.

But what about the 17-year-old who gets kicked out by her family when they find out, whose boyfriend high fives his buddies because he's proven he's potent and has his eye on the hot chick on the next block, and who has no idea how she'll finish school or support herself and her baby?

What about the 44 year old who finds out she's carrying a baby with a fatal genetic defect? While I realize Sarah Palin could have made a different choice with her pregnancy, many kids with Downs live and live well. She'd make a woman carry a baby to term, even knowing that that child will die shortly after birth. She doesn't support exceptions in cases of rape or incest or to protect the health of the mother.

I'm fiercely pro-choice, in case you couldn't tell. Sounds funny when you know how desperately I want a baby. The idea of a woman making that choice makes my heart sink, but I can't make it for her. I can't tell her that no matter what, she can't control what goes on inside your own body. I don't believe that the rights of the fetus trump the rights of the mother immediately after conception. And I don't believe I can tell someone that she now has to be an incubator when she doesn't want to.

We need to make this choice easier for women - we need to weight the question on the side of life. We need affordable day care, education possibilities, paternal accountability, and psychological care for any woman who needs it. So many of the women who end up in a clinic are between the cliched rock and hard place. What if they were between said rock and a memory foam pillow? Which way would she lean? See what I'm saying?

Have I mentioned yet that we've started again? I'm on day #5 of the stupidly ironic birth control pills and can start the joys and night sweats of forced menopause on Sept 11th. And as annoying as the side effects are, I'm so glad to be moving forward... a friend who knows about the IVF and miscarriage just announced that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knew as I was confiding in her while still bleeding, and I truly thank her for not telling me then.

I left her house dazed and in tears and went home to an argument with Martin who was too freaked out over our impending home purchase to realize that I needed some comfort. Her news didn't interest him. He didn't get that it interested me very, very much. So we had a bad day.

This home purchase is a whole 'nother basket of crap. (That sounds like the Martha Stewart version of the flaming-bag-of-dog-poop prank, topped with a tasteful gingham bow.) The bank has been too optimistic with their time estimates, so we may have to move our belongings to a storage facility and us into a hotel at the end of the month if the money doesn't come through in time.

Oh, did I mention that my mother is coming to visit? The very same maternal figure who knows nothing about our IVF or miscarriage yet will be here while I'm injecting myself with serious mood-altering drugs that make me twist my face and do the ugly cry at the slightest unhappy thought? Yes, she'll be arriving during the forced menopause stage and will stay through the move and stimulation phase, which means she may also need to be installed in a hotel. It's getting better and better.

I'm somewhat relieved to have to tell her about the IVF (which I'll do after she has arrived). I'm hoping that I might get a little TLC that Martin seems not to be able to give at this moment. He's a good guy and he's worried about me, but he can fly into all-about-me panic mode (many mortgage snafus are not helping my cause) and let's be honest, he's a guy. If I don't tell him specifically that I need something from him, I probably won't get it.

Well. Moving forward. Not feeling so optimistic at the moment, but early days and yadda yadda.

Green Light

Green light to start IVF again! I have the prescriptions and started taking the birth control pills on Saturday. Then we decided to wait an extra month to start IVF again. We're waiting on purpose. I can't believe it... I want so very badly to get moving on this.

Mr Twinge will have to go on a business trip and he guesses it will be right around retrieval and transfer time. I already have plane tickets to London for a wedding - right around retrieval and transfer time. And we're trying to buy a condo. Guess when we'll have to pack and get the old apartment in shape? That's right - right around retrieval and transfer time. On top of all of that, my mother will be coming to stay with us right around retrieval and transfer time, and she still doesn't know about the IVF or miscarriage. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her about it, but there'd be no way to hide it while she's here.

So, looks like it's October for us. Damn it.

Impatient

HCG is at 9 today. The next beta will be on Aug 8th. If it's low enough, then we can make an appointment to start a new cycle. Until then, it's more w a i t i n g.

I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.

A Little Bit

I don't know what is going on with stupid clichés in the news lately, but I've heard reference to "you can't be a little bit pregnant" 4 or 5 times over the past two days.

I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."

How am I supposed to feel about this?

I can't decide if this is good or bad news. I had my follow-up appointment this morning, and it turns out absolutely nothing was wrong (that they could find). Structurally and chromosomally, everything hunkey dory. So then what the hell happened? And how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

And it was a girl.

Optimism, day one - accomplished

I made it very well through my first day of looking forward. No tears, and only slight fear when Mr wanted sex (the OB said it was OK with condoms, but I'm still afraid of infection because I can't keep my fingers from typing bad, bad searches into Google, who then takes absolute glee in pointing me to every possible horror story about what has gone wrong post D&C). I was actually very, very happy. I didn't do my usual day-one diet cheating, either. (This time, I'm not changing what I eat so much as how much of it.)

Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.

I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.

But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.

Looking Forward

I let myself do whatever I wanted this past week. Beer followed by margaritas? Sure. Another slice of pizza? Yes, please. Lots of tapas involving bacon in various forms? But of course.

And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.

Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.

Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.

And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.

Universe, you are one sick bastard

I had my D&C today. All in all, not bad. Except that I took a taxi home because Mr. was going to miss his flight to Vienna and wasn't able to drive me home. Stupid business trip.

So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.

#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,

Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com

Best regards, A


#2 Email in my inbox:

Hi Beth!

...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...

Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?



All the best,

J

Perspective

I cancelled our dinner guests on Friday night. I thought I'd want distraction, but it turned out that I just had no energy left in me and knew I wouldn't be able to put on a happy face, let alone properly operate the oven.

But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.

What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.

Margarita Time

We lost the baby. I think I'll have something alcoholic rather soon.

Missing Post

I hid my last post - the one about my family. There's no reason - they won't find this blog, but I want to follow my own version of the golden rule: blog about others as you would have them blog about you.

Or: assume that the person you wrote about will read the post.

I've written about some of the horrible experiences I've had in my women's group (there are lots of nice people in addition to the horrible ones), but if they ever found this blog and asked me about it, I'd ask them to point out which parts are untrue. I also don't really care what the horrible ones think about me - I tend to stay away from them because they annoy the crap out of me.

But my family - that's another story. They are good and loving people who happen to have some issues. And who doesn't have issues? It's not like they are eating babies or enslaving left-handed Eskimos in the basement.

So that's why the post is gone.

To answer the question of the day in a more appropriate way: I was the peacemaker, now I'm the bystander.

The book is still blank

After my second beta, I bought a beautiful blank book. I'd planned to keep track of this pregnancy week by week so that I could go back and read it on sleepless nights.

That book is still blank. The thought of it sitting on a shelf forever with only a few entries and 100 blank pages was too much for me. I'm now enjoying being pregnant - even if turns out that it's only for a few more weeks. Mr. and I were watching TV in bed when I thought - yes, here we are, the whole family in bed. All three of us.

It doesn't look promising and I know that. I'm not kidding myself and I'm preparing myself for the worst. But for now I'm also having fun thinking about nurseries and names and whether she'll have his smile.

But I still can't write in that damn book.

Not the worst news...

I just got home from the ultrasound. Bad news or good news first? Bad news - the baby is measuring one and a half weeks too small. The OB (yup, OB, not RE) said she wouldn't think a thing about it with a natural conception, but that this is rather uncommon for ICSI babies. Now for the good news - we saw a heartbeat.

We are nowhere near safe yet, but we are also still in the game. Next ultrasound is June 20th, and I'm just going to enjoy myself until then.

I think I know the answer

My symptoms are basically gone. I think I know how tomorrow's ultrasound is going to go. Sigh.

Limbo

So we went for our first ultrasound this morning (6 weeks 5 days) and it's a bit small and no heartbeat. The doctor told me that this is still normal, but that we have to see a heartbeat next week and to remember that not all pregnancies end with a baby. Gaah.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk I was in tears. Mr. is still optimistic, but I don't think I am.

A Little Family Humor

My aunt sent a round mail today to all of us:

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Pass this along


My cousin, her son, wrote back:

Mom,

Thanks for the great idea, since I know Freddie is your favorite son I am going to steal his plate to get free gas and get him arrested. Then your precious little boy will just be just another dirt bag criminal. He will probably even lose his job. There is no way that you could ever love him then. I hope that you are happy with yourself, by sending out this ridiculous email you just got your son in big trouble. Now I just need to find a way to get you to hate Bobby, and I can slide into the number 1 spot. Holy cow I can't believe you send out this junk. I think you need a full time job.


Maybe you don't find this kind of thing funny, but I laughed out loud in my office.

New Twinge Obsessions

I've been kinda twingy in the abdomen and kinda nauseous for a few days. Just a little, just enough to notice. Today - nothing. I know, I know that this means nothing. But... where did my twinges go? They were kind of reassuring. I miss them.

Second beta test is tomorrow. When that turns out OK, then I'll feel much, much better. (I know everything will be fine. I think we already beat the odds and that we've already gotten past the hardest part of this whole process.)

Turns out the gut, it is full of shite

I took yet another home test before my 7 am official, medically certified pregnancy test appointment because I had one left and I didn't want it sitting there mocking me. Stark white. My butt in winter white.

So I kinda forgot to take my progesterone this morning (two suppositories three times a day - the joy at Chateau Beth never ends). I said screw it and had a cup of coffee and a cup of black tea. I made a date with a friend for sushi for tomorrow. I planned my next possible cycle dates. I rode roller coasters, chugged whiskey, and smoked up. Ok, maybe not that last part.

The clinic was supposed to call at 1 pm. My cell phone rang at 3 freaking 30.

"So... Mrs. G?"
"Yes"
"Born on a date you don't care to post on the internet?"
"Yes"
"You came in and took a test today?"
"Yes"
"At 7 this morning?"
"Yes"
"For Dr. R?"
"Yes"
"A pregnancy test?"
"Yes and for the love of George Michael will you please just let me get this horrendous phone call over with so I can go on drowning my sorrows in my whisky... I mean coffee... I mean wholesome water before I scream and cause a ruckus in my relatively new place of work that hasn't gotten to see the true quirkiness of me yet?"
"Congratulations, it is positive."

So I never got to watch a stick glow with the stinky goodness of a second pee line, but I think I can live without it.

(Beta is 148 and the next one is on Monday. Take that, stupid gut.)

The gut, it is mighty

I should know better than to dispute the gut. It is all-knowing and incredibly intuitive. It told me that I wasn't pregnant, and lo and behold - BFN this morning. Beta is tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope.

The gut is now instructing me to pick myself up and get ready for round two. I'm going to listen.

1

One little embryo seems to be OK at this point. So fingers crossed, we'll get to transfer it tomorrow.

2

Yup, 2. That's how many eggs we got at retrieval today. There were lots of big follicles on the screen (although the doc never did a full count)... so how can I have only 2 eggs?

I'm already prepared for a negative this cycle. Yeah, I know, it only takes one and blah-di-dah, but let's be straight here. The chances with only 2 are pretty damn slim. So - I know I'm not out, but realistically I know I'm pretty close.

At least I'll be able to fly home for Thanksgiving this year without worrying about my 3rd trimester. Sigh.

Surfacing

It's Friday and I'm meeting some girlfriends for sushi. I kind of want to tell them about the whole IVF thing, especially as I'm toting a big ass bag of medications and protein powder to the restaurant. On the other hand, if I do that, then I have to tell them the results when they come in, and that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't know how I'd do it if it's negative.

I guess I should post a little catch-up: I started taking the birth control pills on March 20th and started snorting the suppressant on April 2nd. The stimulation injections began on April 18th, which means today will be the 8th injection. It's looking like retrieval will be on April 30th.

One ovary is not responding very well, but luckily the other is practically over responding so the total count will be OK. The doc didn't count at the appointment this morning, he just had a quick look. I think Monday's appointment will be a bit more thorough.

He also told me to expect a lot of pain on the left side after the trigger - joy! Something to look forward to! Ah well. I'll happily accept it for the chance to make this work.

So. That's where I am. Out a boatload of cash for medication and freaked out as all get out.

Thank You

I've been staying away, trying to keep my life as normal as possible. I'm trying not to wallow. (Wow, is that a good word. Like loaf or squiggle. Anyhoo.)

I just wanted to write a quick note to all of you - thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been reading all of your posts - all of them - and although I haven't commented, I'm still passively here, absorbing your posts.

I'm not sure that I'm going to post so often in the coming weeks. I'm getting my hopes up and trying to keep them under control at the same time... sitting and contemplating and then writing about it doesn't help in that effort.

In general, I'm to start snorting some chemical up my nose next Wednesday. I'll have a wonderful intimate wanding on April 18th, and I guess after that I get to learn how a syringe works.

This is all part of my Zen plan. I've read so many articles from medical journals and quite technical books about IVF that I feel I know why and in what order things happen. My doctor has read all of this and more, so now it's time to trust him and just go with the Flow. My obsession with all things fertility has waned, and now I'm happy to say yes sir when he tells me to inject some random vial into my butt.

I can't do any more. I think I'd know enough now to stand up for my reproductive self if I felt something was amiss, but I'm not going to constantly question why I snort while another lady shoots up. (I've been in contact with other ladies in my clinic via a very humorous forum - and I provide the humor with my hacked posts in a language I muddle through when speaking by mumbling through the important verb endings. I can't mumble in forum posts.)

So, that's that for a while. If anything important happens or I just need to vent, I'll be here to post. But even if you don't actually hear from me, know I'm still reading your posts and still very grateful that you've been reading mine.

Just a quick update

We started our first IVF cycle on Thursday. Woohoo! And finally! So now it's 7-8 looong weeks of waiting and hoping.

Told ya this update would be quick.

Finally moving forward

We had another appointment at the clinic today, and we finally have something to actually do! OK, it involves more waiting, but there is also action, it requires a manly figure, and it could employ a kung-fu grip. Mr. got to mail in our treatment plan to his insurance, and his iron vice of a hand didn't even pierce the envelope. Then... guess what? We get to wait. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Oh, but after it comes back we get to send it in to my insurance and wait some more. Once the bureaucrats are done having their fun, the clinic will mail us all of the medications and we can get our own party started.

Alright, bitchy time is over.

Now I get to say how much I love our new doctor. After Dr. Rumpus McFusselpuss, Downer MD, even Dr. House would be a ray of Pollyanna sunshine. (Yes, I do know that referring to TV characters in reference to real life signals an addiction to the soul suck that is TV. I can quit any time I want, and I'll keep saying that while my eyeballs dry out at 4 am because I'm so engrossed - read: brain dead - that I forgot to blink.)

Anyhoodle. Where was I? Yeah, attention span of a gnat.

The doc who gives me twinges of joy. Yes. He explained exactly why I have to take Dexmethasone at night. He went over the semen analysis. He sympathized with the whole injections thing, yet explained why I'll only get the progesterone as a nasal spray. And he freely did all of this while smiling. And asking questions about us and our relationship because I think he is genuinely interested in us as people, not just as a penis and a uterus. He was curious about what language we speak at home (answer: the one that's not English) and how we'll speak to our child (answer: each in our native language). We chatted a bit about culture shock and American bureaucracy in comparison to our local pencil pushers. It was pleasant, and we left feeling that the staff as a whole are looking out for us.

So. Yes, we are waiting some more. But Mr. got to carry an envelope to the post office today, and that's a giant step towards actually starting treatment. Finally, 10 months into this, but woohoo... here we go!

You can ignore this post

This is a serious blog therapy post for me. I'm writing for me because I need to get it out. Miss "Rubbing It In", I don't care to hear your thoughts. I'm not going to read any further private messages from you.

Anyhoo.

My period came. I knew it would because I'm extremely regular. And I knew Mr.'s results wouldn't be ready.

I called the clinic this morning to find out if I can at least start the pill this month. Nope, I can't start anything until all of the results are in. Mr.'s results should be here in a few days, so we'll have to wait another cycle all for a few days delay.

Charting was making me crazy, so I quit doing that a while back. It was a fantastic decision and now I use the free service just to track my menses. When I logged in tonight to enter the start of my period, I saw that we are now on cycle 11. I know, that doesn't seem like a lot to people who have been trying for ages. But we started down the infertility path only a couple of months into it, so we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to just do something about it already for nearly 9 of those 11 months.

I wasn't terribly emotional at the start. I'm a practical sort of person, and when Mr. told me that he suspected he had a problem I didn't cry. The tears came for only a few minutes when he got the confirmation from the doc. The next 5 or 6 months were relatively uneventful emotionally. I was resolved to tackle this and I was sure that I, and we, would be OK if it didn't happen. Now I know that we'll be OK, but I'm not so sure about me.

Slowly, I started reacting to babies. Everywhere. TV shows, public transportation, baby food in the supermarket. It has gotten to the point where I nearly lost it at work this week for some baby-related comment that I don't even recall anymore. I do remember bitterly fighting not to cry in front of my new colleagues. I was sick last week and watched the local equivalent of Baby Story two days in a row, sobbing throughout each half hour episode. I'm not a sobber, but it was cathartic.

It's nearly midnight and I'm tired just from writing this. Maybe tomorrow I can organize my thoughts and write something coherent. For tonight, just getting this far was enough.

The insurance downside

Mr. just called. He had just finished with his appointment to give his sample for the last sperm analysis. The specialist said that our doctor will have the results and his recommendation report within two weeks. I know they have to actually do the analysis within an hour, so the two week lag is the joy of semi-socialized medicine.

I'm due to start a new cycle in a few days, and since our doctor won't have the results in time, he won't be able to submit a treatment plan to our insurance in time for this cycle. That means waiting some more, and as we all know, patience is my best quality. Ahem.

I'm still here...

I took a little break from writing, both here and on my "public" blog. In addition to that, I by and large gave up charting. The lack of constant contemplation makes it seem as if time has flown, and that's good because we are still playing the IVF waiting game.

Here's a little catch-up:

Our new clinic is fantastic. I found out that yes, I do have PCOS, but it's incredibly mild and hasn't seemed to have ever interfered with ovulation or my cycle. I'm taking a teeny dose of a steroid and it has totally normalized my wonky hormones, so yay.

Mr. goes for his 4th semen analysis tomorrow. This will be the second one for the new clinic, because apparently the old clinic didn't record some values that the new clinic really wants to know, like, oh, TOTAL SPERM COUNT. Yes, that's right. The number that we assumed was the count on the first two wasn't (my translation error? no idea..).

The doctor sent Mr. to a specialist where they do a hand count and the specialist wanted to know if there were more than 10 in the sample. There were 10 million. All deformed, but perfectly acceptable for ICSI. Tomorrow should just confirm the results.

The geneticist at the mandatory genetic counseling was fun. He was quite young but incredibly intense with crazy eyes, and it provided for much fodder for Young Frankenstein jokes in the elevator on the way out.

So, where are we now? Waiting, of course. I have no idea how the whole insurance approval thing works (thank god for nationally mandated IVF coverage), but I'm hoping we can get moving on this soon. And now I'm feeling like I can talk about it again.

yeah.

I just read an email from my mom. The daughter of a friend of hers is pregnant. This makes baby #11 in the past year. Yes, we are now up to 11.

I'm so happy for this girl, she was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade and underwent a lot of chemo and radiation for a couple of years. She'll go into early menopause and they thought it was highly unlikely that she would ever have children, so this baby really is a miracle for them.

I'm trying really hard not to go into "why not me, too" mode, because I certainly would rather be in my position than hers. But still, she'll have a baby in June and I won't. So, thank god I'm healthy. But still. ARGH.

The insurance question

Yet another reason to feel so incredibly lucky.

I'm an American who lives in Europe. The particular country in which I live mandates health insurance. For everyone. You gotta have it. If you lose your job, the government helps you pay your premiums. There's no other choice.

If you income is below a certain level (an above-average salary), you have to take the state insurance. This doesn't come directly from the state, it comes from private companies that must by law offer a certain level of coverage. In general, it costs between 10 and 15% of your pre-tax income, depending on the company you choose.

Private insurance (an option for those who earn more than the threshhold) is a bit different and is closer to the American system, which means that it also gets more expensive as you get older. We decided to stick with the state insurance.

So, what does this mean for us? The government mandates that IVF is 50% covered for the first 3 tries per child. If we decide to try for a second, then we get another 3 covered. This in and of itself is excellent news. Additionally, the medical system here is not so broken that everything costs 10 times what it should. Even if we had to pay for the whole shebang, it would come to about 3,000 euros. Uh huh. One-third to one-quarter of the cost, even without insurance.

And our president claims that the US healthcare system is OK.