The NaBloPoMo idea seems silly to me now. I wanted to sit and write and get everything off of my chest, but when I sit at the computer, all I can do is watch crap TV. I've watched more TV this weekend than I have in the previous month, I think.
I have no desire to do much of anything right now except hole up and feel empty.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Shuffle off
I've spent the day nesting and crying. We still have so much to do in the apartment, but Martin doesn't seem to see it the same way. I want everything organized and in its place, and he seems to think that shuffling piles of crap from room to room on an ongoing basis is good enough. We did that in the last place and it drove me nuts. I need some order in my apartment, even if I can't have it in my life.
Friday, October 31, 2008
NaBloPoMo
I'm going to try NaBloPoMo again this year. If you aren't familiar with it, it's a challenge to write a post a day for the month of November. I'm hoping to use it as a bit of blog therapy to deal with what has been going on.
Two IVF cycles, two positive pregnancy tests, two miscarriages. It's hard to believe at this moment that it will ever work.
Two IVF cycles, two positive pregnancy tests, two miscarriages. It's hard to believe at this moment that it will ever work.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Probably not viable.
Beta today: 11.
I go back next Tuesday for another blood test, but the clinic doesn't think there is much of a chance.
Here we go again.
I go back next Tuesday for another blood test, but the clinic doesn't think there is much of a chance.
Here we go again.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Transferred!
We transferred two embryoes today and three were frozen. Beta on Oct 28th. Now I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and sane until then.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Greenspan is nuts.
Alan Greenspan is simply nuts. He's always been against regulating derivative trading for better or for worse, but his reasoning is batshite insane. From the NY Times:
The problem is not that the contracts failed, he says. Rather, the people using them got greedy. A lack of integrity spawned the crisis, he argued in a speech a week ago at Georgetown University, intimating that those peddling derivatives were not as reliable as “the pharmacist who fills the prescription ordered by our physician.”
...
“It seems superfluous to constrain trading in some of the newer derivatives and other innovative financial contracts of the past decade,” Mr. Greenspan writes. “The worst have failed; investors no longer fund them and are not likely to in the future.”
In his Georgetown speech, he entertained no talk of regulation, describing the financial turmoil as the failure of Wall Street to behave honorably.
“In a market system based on trust, reputation has a significant economic value,” Mr. Greenspan told the audience. “I am therefore distressed at how far we have let concerns for reputation slip in recent years.”
Um.... see, that's what laws and regulations are for. It's why we have laws against stealing and murder and rape - it would be all well and good to just assume that people will act responsibly and in the interest of society knowing that in the end it will benefit them as well. But as we all know, people can be evil and so we can't just trust everyone. That's why we have laws and regulations. Duh.
Our jails are full of people who "failed to behave honorably". I wonder if Greenspan thinks we don't need burglary laws either. I want to see him tell the guy who breaks into his home how distressed he is that he let his reputation slip.
The problem is not that the contracts failed, he says. Rather, the people using them got greedy. A lack of integrity spawned the crisis, he argued in a speech a week ago at Georgetown University, intimating that those peddling derivatives were not as reliable as “the pharmacist who fills the prescription ordered by our physician.”
...
“It seems superfluous to constrain trading in some of the newer derivatives and other innovative financial contracts of the past decade,” Mr. Greenspan writes. “The worst have failed; investors no longer fund them and are not likely to in the future.”
In his Georgetown speech, he entertained no talk of regulation, describing the financial turmoil as the failure of Wall Street to behave honorably.
“In a market system based on trust, reputation has a significant economic value,” Mr. Greenspan told the audience. “I am therefore distressed at how far we have let concerns for reputation slip in recent years.”
Um.... see, that's what laws and regulations are for. It's why we have laws against stealing and murder and rape - it would be all well and good to just assume that people will act responsibly and in the interest of society knowing that in the end it will benefit them as well. But as we all know, people can be evil and so we can't just trust everyone. That's why we have laws and regulations. Duh.
Our jails are full of people who "failed to behave honorably". I wonder if Greenspan thinks we don't need burglary laws either. I want to see him tell the guy who breaks into his home how distressed he is that he let his reputation slip.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Questions
I have a few questions, and I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of an answer. They're not rhetorical, I just don't understand and I need someone to clue me in.
1. If the Republican Party is all for faith-based initiatives and such, why are community organizers bad? If the government isn't supposed to help the less fortunate and the community isn't supposed to help them, then who do they expect to do it? The less fortunate should help themselves? But... what if they just can't? Too bad?
2. From what I understand, the conservative movement (not necessarily the Republicans) wants government out of their lives - no limits on guns, land use, etc. But then why are they OK with English-only education? Isn't that the government mandating what the school should decide? How is this not government insinuating itself? Also: Patriot Act. Is it that the government shouldn't be able to regulate your private life, just know every last detail about it including what you check out at the library?
3. I'm still pondering how I can be pro-choice (hoping no one ever makes the choice to abort) yet anti-death penalty. I'm quite comfortable with both - I can't impose my moral choices on another woman because morality is flexible (see: women showing ankles/hair/a backbone as immoral in some conservative Islamic cultures). But I do see a big logical problem with telling someone that killing is wrong, yet as your punishment we're going to kill you. I don't buy the eye-for-an-eye argument - we don't rape rapists and we don't take possessions away from theives. It's not our code of justice.
Now, separately, they make sense to me. Big picture and next to each other, I can't quite get it. It's like atonal music - you have to cock your head and work at it.
*****
I have many more questions, but that's all I have time for today.
1. If the Republican Party is all for faith-based initiatives and such, why are community organizers bad? If the government isn't supposed to help the less fortunate and the community isn't supposed to help them, then who do they expect to do it? The less fortunate should help themselves? But... what if they just can't? Too bad?
2. From what I understand, the conservative movement (not necessarily the Republicans) wants government out of their lives - no limits on guns, land use, etc. But then why are they OK with English-only education? Isn't that the government mandating what the school should decide? How is this not government insinuating itself? Also: Patriot Act. Is it that the government shouldn't be able to regulate your private life, just know every last detail about it including what you check out at the library?
3. I'm still pondering how I can be pro-choice (hoping no one ever makes the choice to abort) yet anti-death penalty. I'm quite comfortable with both - I can't impose my moral choices on another woman because morality is flexible (see: women showing ankles/hair/a backbone as immoral in some conservative Islamic cultures). But I do see a big logical problem with telling someone that killing is wrong, yet as your punishment we're going to kill you. I don't buy the eye-for-an-eye argument - we don't rape rapists and we don't take possessions away from theives. It's not our code of justice.
Now, separately, they make sense to me. Big picture and next to each other, I can't quite get it. It's like atonal music - you have to cock your head and work at it.
*****
I have many more questions, but that's all I have time for today.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Soapbox, part two
Wow, sorry. I was really off in my own angry little world that apparently has no grammar rules when I wrote that last post.
But I'm still angry, even if I am inhabiting this world, subject-verb agreement and all.
There's a lot of media blabbery going on about Sarah Palin and her private life. I think it's perfectly fair to discuss what effect a campaign and administration might have on a candidate's family - remember, this same topic came up when Colin Powell was suggested as a candidate. But I find it utterly despicable to say that Sarah Palin is a bad mother because of choices she has made.
Some of the biggies out there: she flew while nearing her due date, she went back to work 3 days after the birth of her son, she has 5 children to take care of and in particular an infant with special needs, and she's thrust her teenage daughter into the public spotlight.
Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Google has many reliable cohorts - the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and the like - who say that it is generally safe to fly in the third trimester but to check with your doctor. We can't let it be acceptable to question the choices of pregnant women if there is no evidence that what they are doing is harmful. I'm personally sick of overhearing comments from strangers when a woman from the OB clinic nearby orders a coffee from the bakery. It's her pregnancy, and it's her conversation to have with her doctor. She wasn't knocking back shots with a stogie in hand, for cripe's sake.
OK, she and the baby made it through the birth. She only needed to wait 3 days when she went back to work for someone to find another reason to call her a bad mother. I say kudos to her for making her workplace baby-friendly. The way people talk about it, you'd think she plopped the baby carrier next to the copier, went about her business for 8 hours, then went home. I'd be impressed with her if she was working to make sure that what she was able to do was a choice for all women in every walk of life and that it was a true choice - either to return to work with the support of family-friendly policies or the alternative to stay home for at least 6 months, a reasonable length of time to breast feed.
Alright, Trig makes 5. Since when is it only the mother's responsibility to raise these children? Did we learn nothing from Mr. Mom? Dads can do this, too. And more often than happens, they should. Why is this even a topic of discussion?
And finally, the limelight question. This is the hardest one for me, because the choice she makes here affects Bristol directly. There is always a possibility that there is a bit of narcissistic Mommy Dearest going on here. And if it is, then it's sad and would put her into my not-role-model-mom category. But there's also a possibility that she thinks her daughter can handle being temporarily in the spotlight (she'll be old news once another celebrity descends from an Escalade in a short skirt and no undies). We just don't know, and therefore can't assume the worst, even if it does make for lusty headlines.
Now, as this is my rant, I can tell you what I think. I don't like Sarah Palin's political positions and I think she is seriously lacking in the experience required for this job. I wouldn't fly in my third trimester, work would be the very, very last thing on my mind so shortly after giving birth, I'm fairly sure my husband would not be happy staying home to take care of 5 kids whereas I probably would be, and like her I would probably not pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because my daughter made an unfortunate mistake that so many other girls have made.
You may think I'm a horrible wife for convincing myself that the sheets don't need changing just yet or for getting testy with Martin when he has to work late, again. Or you may think I'm a horrible wife for having sex when I really don't feel like it but know that he wants it sooo much. Why am I not more/less domestic/independent? It's none of your business. And her private life is none of mine.
But I'm still angry, even if I am inhabiting this world, subject-verb agreement and all.
There's a lot of media blabbery going on about Sarah Palin and her private life. I think it's perfectly fair to discuss what effect a campaign and administration might have on a candidate's family - remember, this same topic came up when Colin Powell was suggested as a candidate. But I find it utterly despicable to say that Sarah Palin is a bad mother because of choices she has made.
Some of the biggies out there: she flew while nearing her due date, she went back to work 3 days after the birth of her son, she has 5 children to take care of and in particular an infant with special needs, and she's thrust her teenage daughter into the public spotlight.
Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Google has many reliable cohorts - the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and the like - who say that it is generally safe to fly in the third trimester but to check with your doctor. We can't let it be acceptable to question the choices of pregnant women if there is no evidence that what they are doing is harmful. I'm personally sick of overhearing comments from strangers when a woman from the OB clinic nearby orders a coffee from the bakery. It's her pregnancy, and it's her conversation to have with her doctor. She wasn't knocking back shots with a stogie in hand, for cripe's sake.
OK, she and the baby made it through the birth. She only needed to wait 3 days when she went back to work for someone to find another reason to call her a bad mother. I say kudos to her for making her workplace baby-friendly. The way people talk about it, you'd think she plopped the baby carrier next to the copier, went about her business for 8 hours, then went home. I'd be impressed with her if she was working to make sure that what she was able to do was a choice for all women in every walk of life and that it was a true choice - either to return to work with the support of family-friendly policies or the alternative to stay home for at least 6 months, a reasonable length of time to breast feed.
Alright, Trig makes 5. Since when is it only the mother's responsibility to raise these children? Did we learn nothing from Mr. Mom? Dads can do this, too. And more often than happens, they should. Why is this even a topic of discussion?
And finally, the limelight question. This is the hardest one for me, because the choice she makes here affects Bristol directly. There is always a possibility that there is a bit of narcissistic Mommy Dearest going on here. And if it is, then it's sad and would put her into my not-role-model-mom category. But there's also a possibility that she thinks her daughter can handle being temporarily in the spotlight (she'll be old news once another celebrity descends from an Escalade in a short skirt and no undies). We just don't know, and therefore can't assume the worst, even if it does make for lusty headlines.
Now, as this is my rant, I can tell you what I think. I don't like Sarah Palin's political positions and I think she is seriously lacking in the experience required for this job. I wouldn't fly in my third trimester, work would be the very, very last thing on my mind so shortly after giving birth, I'm fairly sure my husband would not be happy staying home to take care of 5 kids whereas I probably would be, and like her I would probably not pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because my daughter made an unfortunate mistake that so many other girls have made.
You may think I'm a horrible wife for convincing myself that the sheets don't need changing just yet or for getting testy with Martin when he has to work late, again. Or you may think I'm a horrible wife for having sex when I really don't feel like it but know that he wants it sooo much. Why am I not more/less domestic/independent? It's none of your business. And her private life is none of mine.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Soapbox, part one
Family values are a whole lot easier with money. Blah blah yippee for the Palin family for sticking to their family values, but their family is not the one I'm worried about. So their 17-year-old will soon be a mother. She'll have financial and emotional support and it'll be damn hard but she'll get through it - they'll make sure she gets through it.
But what about the 17-year-old who gets kicked out by her family when they find out, whose boyfriend high fives his buddies because he's proven he's potent and has his eye on the hot chick on the next block, and who has no idea how she'll finish school or support herself and her baby?
What about the 44 year old who finds out she's carrying a baby with a fatal genetic defect? While I realize Sarah Palin could have made a different choice with her pregnancy, many kids with Downs live and live well. She'd make a woman carry a baby to term, even knowing that that child will die shortly after birth. She doesn't support exceptions in cases of rape or incest or to protect the health of the mother.
I'm fiercely pro-choice, in case you couldn't tell. Sounds funny when you know how desperately I want a baby. The idea of a woman making that choice makes my heart sink, but I can't make it for her. I can't tell her that no matter what, she can't control what goes on inside your own body. I don't believe that the rights of the fetus trump the rights of the mother immediately after conception. And I don't believe I can tell someone that she now has to be an incubator when she doesn't want to.
We need to make this choice easier for women - we need to weight the question on the side of life. We need affordable day care, education possibilities, paternal accountability, and psychological care for any woman who needs it. So many of the women who end up in a clinic are between the cliched rock and hard place. What if they were between said rock and a memory foam pillow? Which way would she lean? See what I'm saying?
Have I mentioned yet that we've started again? I'm on day #5 of the stupidly ironic birth control pills and can start the joys and night sweats of forced menopause on Sept 11th. And as annoying as the side effects are, I'm so glad to be moving forward... a friend who knows about the IVF and miscarriage just announced that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knew as I was confiding in her while still bleeding, and I truly thank her for not telling me then.
I left her house dazed and in tears and went home to an argument with Martin who was too freaked out over our impending home purchase to realize that I needed some comfort. Her news didn't interest him. He didn't get that it interested me very, very much. So we had a bad day.
This home purchase is a whole 'nother basket of crap. (That sounds like the Martha Stewart version of the flaming-bag-of-dog-poop prank, topped with a tasteful gingham bow.) The bank has been too optimistic with their time estimates, so we may have to move our belongings to a storage facility and us into a hotel at the end of the month if the money doesn't come through in time.
Oh, did I mention that my mother is coming to visit? The very same maternal figure who knows nothing about our IVF or miscarriage yet will be here while I'm injecting myself with serious mood-altering drugs that make me twist my face and do the ugly cry at the slightest unhappy thought? Yes, she'll be arriving during the forced menopause stage and will stay through the move and stimulation phase, which means she may also need to be installed in a hotel. It's getting better and better.
I'm somewhat relieved to have to tell her about the IVF (which I'll do after she has arrived). I'm hoping that I might get a little TLC that Martin seems not to be able to give at this moment. He's a good guy and he's worried about me, but he can fly into all-about-me panic mode (many mortgage snafus are not helping my cause) and let's be honest, he's a guy. If I don't tell him specifically that I need something from him, I probably won't get it.
Well. Moving forward. Not feeling so optimistic at the moment, but early days and yadda yadda.
But what about the 17-year-old who gets kicked out by her family when they find out, whose boyfriend high fives his buddies because he's proven he's potent and has his eye on the hot chick on the next block, and who has no idea how she'll finish school or support herself and her baby?
What about the 44 year old who finds out she's carrying a baby with a fatal genetic defect? While I realize Sarah Palin could have made a different choice with her pregnancy, many kids with Downs live and live well. She'd make a woman carry a baby to term, even knowing that that child will die shortly after birth. She doesn't support exceptions in cases of rape or incest or to protect the health of the mother.
I'm fiercely pro-choice, in case you couldn't tell. Sounds funny when you know how desperately I want a baby. The idea of a woman making that choice makes my heart sink, but I can't make it for her. I can't tell her that no matter what, she can't control what goes on inside your own body. I don't believe that the rights of the fetus trump the rights of the mother immediately after conception. And I don't believe I can tell someone that she now has to be an incubator when she doesn't want to.
We need to make this choice easier for women - we need to weight the question on the side of life. We need affordable day care, education possibilities, paternal accountability, and psychological care for any woman who needs it. So many of the women who end up in a clinic are between the cliched rock and hard place. What if they were between said rock and a memory foam pillow? Which way would she lean? See what I'm saying?
Have I mentioned yet that we've started again? I'm on day #5 of the stupidly ironic birth control pills and can start the joys and night sweats of forced menopause on Sept 11th. And as annoying as the side effects are, I'm so glad to be moving forward... a friend who knows about the IVF and miscarriage just announced that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knew as I was confiding in her while still bleeding, and I truly thank her for not telling me then.
I left her house dazed and in tears and went home to an argument with Martin who was too freaked out over our impending home purchase to realize that I needed some comfort. Her news didn't interest him. He didn't get that it interested me very, very much. So we had a bad day.
This home purchase is a whole 'nother basket of crap. (That sounds like the Martha Stewart version of the flaming-bag-of-dog-poop prank, topped with a tasteful gingham bow.) The bank has been too optimistic with their time estimates, so we may have to move our belongings to a storage facility and us into a hotel at the end of the month if the money doesn't come through in time.
Oh, did I mention that my mother is coming to visit? The very same maternal figure who knows nothing about our IVF or miscarriage yet will be here while I'm injecting myself with serious mood-altering drugs that make me twist my face and do the ugly cry at the slightest unhappy thought? Yes, she'll be arriving during the forced menopause stage and will stay through the move and stimulation phase, which means she may also need to be installed in a hotel. It's getting better and better.
I'm somewhat relieved to have to tell her about the IVF (which I'll do after she has arrived). I'm hoping that I might get a little TLC that Martin seems not to be able to give at this moment. He's a good guy and he's worried about me, but he can fly into all-about-me panic mode (many mortgage snafus are not helping my cause) and let's be honest, he's a guy. If I don't tell him specifically that I need something from him, I probably won't get it.
Well. Moving forward. Not feeling so optimistic at the moment, but early days and yadda yadda.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Green Light
Green light to start IVF again! I have the prescriptions and started taking the birth control pills on Saturday. Then we decided to wait an extra month to start IVF again. We're waiting on purpose. I can't believe it... I want so very badly to get moving on this.
Mr Twinge will have to go on a business trip and he guesses it will be right around retrieval and transfer time. I already have plane tickets to London for a wedding - right around retrieval and transfer time. And we're trying to buy a condo. Guess when we'll have to pack and get the old apartment in shape? That's right - right around retrieval and transfer time. On top of all of that, my mother will be coming to stay with us right around retrieval and transfer time, and she still doesn't know about the IVF or miscarriage. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her about it, but there'd be no way to hide it while she's here.
So, looks like it's October for us. Damn it.
Mr Twinge will have to go on a business trip and he guesses it will be right around retrieval and transfer time. I already have plane tickets to London for a wedding - right around retrieval and transfer time. And we're trying to buy a condo. Guess when we'll have to pack and get the old apartment in shape? That's right - right around retrieval and transfer time. On top of all of that, my mother will be coming to stay with us right around retrieval and transfer time, and she still doesn't know about the IVF or miscarriage. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her about it, but there'd be no way to hide it while she's here.
So, looks like it's October for us. Damn it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Impatient
HCG is at 9 today. The next beta will be on Aug 8th. If it's low enough, then we can make an appointment to start a new cycle. Until then, it's more w a i t i n g.
I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.
I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
A Little Bit
I don't know what is going on with stupid clichés in the news lately, but I've heard reference to "you can't be a little bit pregnant" 4 or 5 times over the past two days.
I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."
I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."
Thursday, July 03, 2008
How am I supposed to feel about this?
I can't decide if this is good or bad news. I had my follow-up appointment this morning, and it turns out absolutely nothing was wrong (that they could find). Structurally and chromosomally, everything hunkey dory. So then what the hell happened? And how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?
And it was a girl.
And it was a girl.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Optimism, day one - accomplished
I made it very well through my first day of looking forward. No tears, and only slight fear when Mr wanted sex (the OB said it was OK with condoms, but I'm still afraid of infection because I can't keep my fingers from typing bad, bad searches into Google, who then takes absolute glee in pointing me to every possible horror story about what has gone wrong post D&C). I was actually very, very happy. I didn't do my usual day-one diet cheating, either. (This time, I'm not changing what I eat so much as how much of it.)
Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.
I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.
But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.
Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.
I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.
But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Looking Forward
I let myself do whatever I wanted this past week. Beer followed by margaritas? Sure. Another slice of pizza? Yes, please. Lots of tapas involving bacon in various forms? But of course.
And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.
Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.
Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.
And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.
And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.
Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.
Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.
And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Universe, you are one sick bastard
I had my D&C today. All in all, not bad. Except that I took a taxi home because Mr. was going to miss his flight to Vienna and wasn't able to drive me home. Stupid business trip.
So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.
#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,
Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com
Best regards, A
#2 Email in my inbox:
Hi Beth!
...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...
Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?
All the best,
J
So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.
#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,
Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com
Best regards, A
#2 Email in my inbox:
Hi Beth!
...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...
Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?
All the best,
J
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Perspective
I cancelled our dinner guests on Friday night. I thought I'd want distraction, but it turned out that I just had no energy left in me and knew I wouldn't be able to put on a happy face, let alone properly operate the oven.
But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.
What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.
But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.
What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.
Friday, June 20, 2008
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