Impatient

HCG is at 9 today. The next beta will be on Aug 8th. If it's low enough, then we can make an appointment to start a new cycle. Until then, it's more w a i t i n g.

I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.

A Little Bit

I don't know what is going on with stupid clichés in the news lately, but I've heard reference to "you can't be a little bit pregnant" 4 or 5 times over the past two days.

I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."

How am I supposed to feel about this?

I can't decide if this is good or bad news. I had my follow-up appointment this morning, and it turns out absolutely nothing was wrong (that they could find). Structurally and chromosomally, everything hunkey dory. So then what the hell happened? And how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

And it was a girl.

Optimism, day one - accomplished

I made it very well through my first day of looking forward. No tears, and only slight fear when Mr wanted sex (the OB said it was OK with condoms, but I'm still afraid of infection because I can't keep my fingers from typing bad, bad searches into Google, who then takes absolute glee in pointing me to every possible horror story about what has gone wrong post D&C). I was actually very, very happy. I didn't do my usual day-one diet cheating, either. (This time, I'm not changing what I eat so much as how much of it.)

Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.

I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.

But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.

Looking Forward

I let myself do whatever I wanted this past week. Beer followed by margaritas? Sure. Another slice of pizza? Yes, please. Lots of tapas involving bacon in various forms? But of course.

And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.

Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.

Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.

And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.