Wednesday, August 26, 2009

another one...

 


Oh come on already! I've put another Facebooker on 'hide' because she's announced her pregnancy with a big happy sonogram as her profile photo. This week's tally for hitting the 'hide' button due to baby blabber? Five.

This latest one pisses me off a bit more than the others because she's so young and flaky.

Another young 'un is also in the throes of morning sickness - 22, barely married, and her husband says creepy things to her.

#3 was nearly devastated that it took them 6 whole months to conceive. Of course, she hadn't charted or done anything like that, so I think 6 months is rather reasonable. She doesn't want to hear that though, so I won't say it. She will be hearing the smack of my head against a very immobile wall if she doesn't cut out the whining about it... you're pregnant and so obviously not infertile, so SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ALMOST BEING INFERTILE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT. Whew.

#4 has kids that are nearly out of the house. "Whoops" doesn't even start to cover it. She's happy and sad all at the same time. I can completely understand why she feels the way she does, but I'm also not in a position to hear from someone who isn't overjoyed to be pregnant.

#5 is someone I know only online and who has gone through more than double the number of miscarriages I have. I am so happy for her, I really am, but I can't read literally 20 updates a day from her on the subject. Oooh - you hiccuped again?! Can that be a sign that your baby is a boy? Three farts in two hours? That means twins, right? Eight weeks along and she bought a stroller, then posted photos of the stroller, then her buyers remorse for not getting it in green instead of brown... at 8 weeks! After 7 miscarriages!

Wow, am I bitter today. And awfully judgy. I shall wear a long black robe and carry a gavel this evening (or my bathrobe and a wooden spoon as I have neither a black robe nor a gavel).

 

Monday, August 10, 2009

Another place to find me...

 


I've had a not-so-hidden blog at twinge.vox.com to work out the whole ART thing. I started it when we weren't letting anyone in on the TTC troubles in our lives, but after this long it's too hard to dodge the "when are you going to have kids" question so we're just giving honest answers now. No more need to hide.

You can find our (mis)adventures in IVF and miscarriage here:
Twinge



Scratch that. It's too hard for people to comment on Vox as you have to get a login, so I'm coming back to Blogger. We're not hiding the IVF anymore, anyway.

Stay tuned right here.

 

Cycle #5: In Progress!

 


CD 3:

Is this our last round? Not sure yet. Some adoption agencies in the US have recently stopped taking overseas US citizens as clients, I guess we'll probably go for another round.

Let me again take this opportunity to rant about folks who ask, "Why don't you just adopt?"

1. I'm afraid to take on a special-needs child with my family so far away and my support network here consisting mainly of transient expats. Many countries do not allow 'healthy' children to be adopted outside of their home country, even if it means those children languish in orphanages.
2. I'll be turned down by many agencies in my own country because I live overseas. It's not illegal, but it is difficult and many agencies don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. There are few German babies to be adopted. We're looking at a 4 year wait here, by which time we'll probably be deemed too old.
4. Will you lend me €20,000 euros for a non-German adoption? Didn't think so.

 

Stupid, Stupid Strato

 


My hosting company froze my account for some reason. "Abuse", apparently. They can't tell me what is wrong with my WordPress installation, what sort of abuse they suspect, or how to even go about diagnosing it. Their words: "someone might have hacked your site". "To make it do what?", I asked. "We already gave you the information," was the reply. "Um, I need more than 'maybe somebody did something' to go on... what flagged the abuse report?" "We already gave you the information. Fix it."

GAAH!

None of the file dates are recent (except for a few posts, and I checked the code and found nothing in those).

I'm furious and will be writing a very angry letter to them demanding my money back and that they cover any transfer fees to a new provider. So don't bother going to bethundmartin.de for a while, and don't ever, ever use Strato as a hosting company.

 

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Comment to a red state cousin (of which I have many)

 


You can't seriously support George Bush and criticize Barack Obama's grammar! I don't care if you support George Bush or not, but the irony of calling out Obama's grammar and speech patterns is too much hypocracy for me.

Gaah.

(I'd post this in direct response to her comment on Facebook, but I don't need to start a family feud.)

 

Friday, July 24, 2009

Crapload

 


Hi all. Yet another friend has given birth - their baby girl was born early yesterday morning. That makes 4(!) this month, and another friend just went to his very first Lamaze class with his wife. Add my 2 colleagues who are due in August and September, and that's a crapload of babies.

We're going to start what will most likely be our last round of IVF soon, and I'm trying to be positive. A couple of friends have suggested that I read The Secret, but I can't bring myself to visualize myself pregnant every day because I can only think of how crushing it will be when it all ends badly.

Sorry for the bummer post - I had to get that out. Thanks. And thanks so much for all of your comments - it's so nice to know I'm not alone here. :)

 

Friday, July 10, 2009

Meteorological Math

 


It was 32° C last Friday. It is 16° C this Friday.

Damn. I wanted more ice cream.

For non-metric folks out there:
32° C = 90° F
16° C = 61° F

 

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Musical Talent

 


I have none. I'm desperately jealous of those who do.

Open-mic nights can be scary things, but somehow a little touristy (but very cozy) Irish pub in one of the most picturesque parts of the city manages to put on a good one. A friend sings two sets every time, and man, can that girl sing. Sigh. I want her to record an album so I can enjoy her voice more than once a week.

She also kicks our collective butts at SingStar, even when she holds back.

 

Monday, July 06, 2009

Joy, all around

 


Today is my due date from the second miscarriage. I also got my period this morning from the failed IVF. Holy crap, the cramps are bad. And it's Monday. I'm trying to lose the weight I gained through this whole journey, so I can't console myself with chocolate, either.

I bought a giant, complicated knitting machine yesterday. It has more accessories and moving parts than my old Vespa. I'm going to focus on learning to use it tonight, I think (Martin has to work late, as usual.)

And maybe crack open some of the Swiss chocolate we brought back from Zürich last weekend.

 

Friday, July 03, 2009

Tears

 


The tears don't come at appropriate times: hanging laundry in what should be the nursery, seeing the neighbors' newborn, calling my cat 'my little boy', soaping my flat(ish) stomach in the shower. Instead, I have to stop my face from contorting into the 'ugly cry' while on the bus or sitting at my desk at work.

 

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Thanks, everyone

 


Looks like #4 was a bust - I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. On to round #5.

 

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

ART cycle #4 - nearly complete

 


Beta on Thursday.

Of 11 eggs we ended up with one single viable embryo, which of course stuck to the catheter during transfer and required a second attempt.

This whole cycle has been rather craptacular. We got 11 eggs, all of which were ripe. Of those, only 4 fertilized and only 1 of the 4 passed genetic testing (polar body testing of the egg only - PGD is illegal in Germany).

To compare, last time we had 9 eggs, 7 were ripe, 7 fertilized, 2 were transferred and 3 were frozen. (No genetic testing was done).


I'm going to get back in touch with that adoption counselor.

 

Monday, April 20, 2009

2009 is kicking my butt

 


Chalk up another point against me in 2009. We had to put our cat Tibor to sleep over the weekend. Poor guy's kidneys failed - there was nothing useful to be done.

Three pregnancies and one cat lost in 10 months. Damn it.

I want a do-over.

 

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Another reason I'm eating bacon on Friday...

 


I'm a former Catholic. There are many, many reasons why.

Here's a big one:
http://www.catholic.org/prwire/headline.php?ID=6395

What may be surprising to the millions of women who cannot conceive and bring a child to term is that NaProTechnology, taught by Dr. Hilgers, is nearly three times more successful than IVF for assisting infertile couples, according to the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, a group founded by Dr. Hilgers at the Creighton University School of Medicine in Omaha.

Infertility at the institute is treated by determining the fertile time of a woman’s cycle, as well as by using surgical techniques such as laser treatment and ovarian wedge resections.

Infertility treatment usually begins with discovering a woman’s fertile time. This can be done with the Sympto-Thermal Method of Natural Family Planning.


Believe what you want about faith, but don't flat out lie about science. Who honestly believes that people turn to IVF because they don't know when their fertile times are?

GAAH. And pass that bacon.

 

Friday, March 27, 2009

Good news?

It was a boy, and it was trisomy 16, the most common form of genetic defect. I was ready to say that I have a hostile womb and just can't carry a baby. Still can't rule that out, but at least that wasn't the cause this time.

Three doctors at two practices believe this is just incredibly crappy luck. If there is a different cause each time, it's easier to believe it.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

As I thought, this third miscarriage has hit me harder than I thought. But we're looking forward to our next shot at IVF, probably in 4-5 weeks. It sounds like an eternity from now...

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

7w6d

Third miscarriage. I don't quite know what to do with myself tonight.

D&C on Friday.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

6w6d

We had our first ultrasound this morning, and I'm not very hopeful. There was a heartbeat, but it was hard to find. On the up-side, it's not small like last time. The doctor didn't measure anything, so I have no idea where we're at. He did pull out the sonogram from last time and you can immediately tell the difference.

But this heartbeat thing is freaking me the crap out.

I've got to stay away from Google. Everything I've read says that there should be a strong heartbeat by now, and that a weak one nearly always means miscarriage. A third miscarriage is going to hit me much, much harder than the other two. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

4w5d

It's hard to stay positive sometimes. A hungry cat was pacing on my head at 5 am, which woke me up and left me lying in bed thinking, "oh sweet elvis, I've lost my symptoms!" Which of course is silly. They are going to come and go, but it won't matter because this round IS GOING TO WORK.

I'm going to refrain about posting about the octuplets, other than to say that I don't care if the freakazoid has 14 kids - lots of people have ginormous families and sketchy support systems. I do care that the doc thought it was OK to transfer 6 embryos at once.

My current book is "Reading Lolita in Tehran", and Azar Nafizi put it so well: "It was the sort of anger one gets high on, the kind one takes home to show off to friends and family."

Monday, February 09, 2009

Beta #2...

Beta #2: 328 (doubling time = 1.81 days)

So far, so good!

Next beta: 2/16

This one is going to work. Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking...

Friday, February 06, 2009

Positive Beta

104. Still to early to celebrate, but we're headed in the right direction!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A cycle without drugs (at least not many of them)

We did a frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle this month. Three were thawed, two survived and were transferred. I'm in the two week wait. Beta is scheduled for Feb 6th.

There's been nothing to post on that front: I went for one ultrasound and bloodwork, and a week later they did the transfer. The only drugs I'm taking are oral estrogen and vaginal progesterone. No needles, constant blood testing, or daily transvaginal magic wanding.

Rather boring, wouldn't you say?

We became the live-in can openers for two 14-year-old cats just after Christmas, and one of them has decided this week that my life is far too boring. He has decided to protest Elvis-only-knows-what by peeing on the dining room table and pooping near my husband or his proxy (yesterday near his slippers, this morning on the windowsill behind the sofa where he was sitting).

What a nasty little man. Too bad for us that he's too flippin cute and we are already in love with him. Why does his teensy, cold heart not have room for two goofy bipeds?

Mr Twinge thinks they are mad because we kind of kick them around a bit when we are sleeping. A goofy biped might think that sleeping next to big feet in a small bed is not optimal. Perhaps the felines feel that we are impolite guests in their home.

I don't want to pay for more IVF psychological counseling if I don't have to (freakin expensive), but now I have to dish out for a cat psychologist. I'm literally pussy whipped.

Friday, November 21, 2008

No BloPoMo

I was all geared up to do the NaBloPoMo, until my laptop crashed again. Thank you, Vista. Plugging in a scanner should not kill an operating system.

Anyhoodle.

I met with a therapist at our fertility clinic this week. It was good. I may go back when we start our frozen embryo cycle in January.

I think I'll be going a bit Amish until then. One of my favorite bloggers, Dooce, just announced that she's pregnant with her second, and two women from my IVF forum just found out that they are having twins. As much as I'm happy for them, it makes my situation harder for me to bear.

I missed fall this year. I love the fall. Instead of wandering over to the café opposite my house to sit under a blanket and sip a hot mulled wine, I huddled in front of the TV and gave myself an electronic lobotomy. It was the easier choice for me, although Mr Twinge might see it another way.

So now I'm going to enjoy the holidays. We fly to Denver tomorrow to visit friends and then we hit Chicago on Tuesday for a week and a half with my parents and sisters. (Yeah, now that I've told my family about the whole IVF thing, I'm not worried about outing myself here so I can tell you where I'm from.)

Maybe I'll be back in two weeks. Maybe not. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

So Much for NaBloPoMo

 


I knew trying to keep up with two blogs would be too much for slacker me. But I have a good reason for going AWOL - we celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday and I was cooking a ginormous feast for 8. Sunday, Mr. and I had one of our rare fights and I just didn't feel like posting. What could I say? That we were fighting over leftovers? Because we were. And it was totally stupid.

There are big things afoot in the G household tomorrow. Again, the doocing, so I can't say exactly what. But keep your fingers crossed that it works out. And I'll explain when I can. :)

 

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Negative

 


This blog seems to bring out my negativity, and if you are me, and I just happen to be me, that's a good thing. It means I get to blow off steam or write about what I am afraid of. That's why I started it, after all. I never expected that people who don't happen to be me would ever actually read it.

I have real stories; oh, do I have stories. It's a regular Melrose Place around Mr.'s office, and mine kind of resembles The Office. Maybe one day, if either of us leave our current job, I'll write about it. In the case of Mr.'s colleagues, I think it would have to involve graphics to illustrate all of the incestuous goings on. Maybe some linked bios just so you can keep track. But we can't really afford to get dooced right now.

So sorry for the boringness. But the web is full of cool stuff, like this light-emitting wallpaper I want for my bedroom. Blog therapy it is, for now.

 

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Elect Martin's Tree at Ikea

Election day is finally here. I'm nervous. I wanted to vote for McCain in 2000 (I also would have voted for Colin Powell, had he run), but I'm honestly about frightened about where the country would go if he were elected today. Does he really think that Bush's tax cuts for the rich (which he previously opposed) create jobs for those lower down on the food chain? It seems to me that he sold his soul for this nomination, and if he wins then we can really usher in the new age of robber barons.

Results won't start to be broadcast until 1 am my time, so I'm going to keep busy by going to dinner with friends and then we're off to see the live show from Found magazine (http://foundmagazine.com/events). So excited - I first heard about Found via This American Life, the über-addictive radio program (http://thislife.org).

After the show, I'm going to camp out on the sofa in front of CNN and possibly BBC. (They are the only two English-language channels, and BBC shares a channel so it's only on in the wee hours. Trust me, I'd much prefer a different news broadcast over CNN drivel. I wonder if one of the German broadcasters is going to do live coverage?)

Funny aside
Martin just called. He's been picked to decorate a Christmas tree at Ikea to compete for a giant box of Christmas decorations. We entered the sweepstakes at the store... and they picked him (although we didn't know it involved audience participation - we just thought they'd call and tell us to pick up the crap).

He goes on Thursday morning to decorate - wish him luck. Although... as we were filling out the sweepstakes cards, we did ask ourselves (out loud, too) if we need/want all of that stuff. The answer was no, but we filled out the cards anyway. If he wins, we'll either have the most craptacular decorations understated Hamburg has ever seen, or we'll spend hours uploading photos to eBay. I'm thinking craptacular.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Sucks

One more day until what I expect to be the final beta. I'm taking progesterone supplements so maybe that's delaying stuff, but I still have no spotting. Weird, huh? Sweet Elvis on a cracker, I hope this won't be like the last time: everything dragged out for weeks only to come to a sucky end.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

TV

The NaBloPoMo idea seems silly to me now. I wanted to sit and write and get everything off of my chest, but when I sit at the computer, all I can do is watch crap TV. I've watched more TV this weekend than I have in the previous month, I think.

I have no desire to do much of anything right now except hole up and feel empty.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Shuffle off

I've spent the day nesting and crying. We still have so much to do in the apartment, but Martin doesn't seem to see it the same way. I want everything organized and in its place, and he seems to think that shuffling piles of crap from room to room on an ongoing basis is good enough. We did that in the last place and it drove me nuts. I need some order in my apartment, even if I can't have it in my life.

Friday, October 31, 2008

NaBloPoMo

I'm going to try NaBloPoMo again this year. If you aren't familiar with it, it's a challenge to write a post a day for the month of November. I'm hoping to use it as a bit of blog therapy to deal with what has been going on.

Two IVF cycles, two positive pregnancy tests, two miscarriages. It's hard to believe at this moment that it will ever work.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Probably not viable.

Beta today: 11.

I go back next Tuesday for another blood test, but the clinic doesn't think there is much of a chance.

Here we go again.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Doesn't look good.

6. I can't believe it's happening again. My beta is 6.

Repeat beta in two days.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Transferred!

We transferred two embryoes today and three were frozen. Beta on Oct 28th. Now I have to find a way to keep myself occupied and sane until then.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Greenspan is nuts.

Alan Greenspan is simply nuts. He's always been against regulating derivative trading for better or for worse, but his reasoning is batshite insane. From the NY Times:

The problem is not that the contracts failed, he says. Rather, the people using them got greedy. A lack of integrity spawned the crisis, he argued in a speech a week ago at Georgetown University, intimating that those peddling derivatives were not as reliable as “the pharmacist who fills the prescription ordered by our physician.”

...

“It seems superfluous to constrain trading in some of the newer derivatives and other innovative financial contracts of the past decade,” Mr. Greenspan writes. “The worst have failed; investors no longer fund them and are not likely to in the future.”

In his Georgetown speech, he entertained no talk of regulation, describing the financial turmoil as the failure of Wall Street to behave honorably.

“In a market system based on trust, reputation has a significant economic value,” Mr. Greenspan told the audience. “I am therefore distressed at how far we have let concerns for reputation slip in recent years.”



Um.... see, that's what laws and regulations are for. It's why we have laws against stealing and murder and rape - it would be all well and good to just assume that people will act responsibly and in the interest of society knowing that in the end it will benefit them as well. But as we all know, people can be evil and so we can't just trust everyone. That's why we have laws and regulations. Duh.

Our jails are full of people who "failed to behave honorably". I wonder if Greenspan thinks we don't need burglary laws either. I want to see him tell the guy who breaks into his home how distressed he is that he let his reputation slip.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Questions

I have a few questions, and I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of an answer. They're not rhetorical, I just don't understand and I need someone to clue me in.

1. If the Republican Party is all for faith-based initiatives and such, why are community organizers bad? If the government isn't supposed to help the less fortunate and the community isn't supposed to help them, then who do they expect to do it? The less fortunate should help themselves? But... what if they just can't? Too bad?

2. From what I understand, the conservative movement (not necessarily the Republicans) wants government out of their lives - no limits on guns, land use, etc. But then why are they OK with English-only education? Isn't that the government mandating what the school should decide? How is this not government insinuating itself? Also: Patriot Act. Is it that the government shouldn't be able to regulate your private life, just know every last detail about it including what you check out at the library?

3. I'm still pondering how I can be pro-choice (hoping no one ever makes the choice to abort) yet anti-death penalty. I'm quite comfortable with both - I can't impose my moral choices on another woman because morality is flexible (see: women showing ankles/hair/a backbone as immoral in some conservative Islamic cultures). But I do see a big logical problem with telling someone that killing is wrong, yet as your punishment we're going to kill you. I don't buy the eye-for-an-eye argument - we don't rape rapists and we don't take possessions away from theives. It's not our code of justice.

Now, separately, they make sense to me. Big picture and next to each other, I can't quite get it. It's like atonal music - you have to cock your head and work at it.

*****

I have many more questions, but that's all I have time for today.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Soapbox, part two

Wow, sorry. I was really off in my own angry little world that apparently has no grammar rules when I wrote that last post.

But I'm still angry, even if I am inhabiting this world, subject-verb agreement and all.

There's a lot of media blabbery going on about Sarah Palin and her private life. I think it's perfectly fair to discuss what effect a campaign and administration might have on a candidate's family - remember, this same topic came up when Colin Powell was suggested as a candidate. But I find it utterly despicable to say that Sarah Palin is a bad mother because of choices she has made.

Some of the biggies out there: she flew while nearing her due date, she went back to work 3 days after the birth of her son, she has 5 children to take care of and in particular an infant with special needs, and she's thrust her teenage daughter into the public spotlight.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Google has many reliable cohorts - the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and the like - who say that it is generally safe to fly in the third trimester but to check with your doctor. We can't let it be acceptable to question the choices of pregnant women if there is no evidence that what they are doing is harmful. I'm personally sick of overhearing comments from strangers when a woman from the OB clinic nearby orders a coffee from the bakery. It's her pregnancy, and it's her conversation to have with her doctor. She wasn't knocking back shots with a stogie in hand, for cripe's sake.

OK, she and the baby made it through the birth. She only needed to wait 3 days when she went back to work for someone to find another reason to call her a bad mother. I say kudos to her for making her workplace baby-friendly. The way people talk about it, you'd think she plopped the baby carrier next to the copier, went about her business for 8 hours, then went home. I'd be impressed with her if she was working to make sure that what she was able to do was a choice for all women in every walk of life and that it was a true choice - either to return to work with the support of family-friendly policies or the alternative to stay home for at least 6 months, a reasonable length of time to breast feed.

Alright, Trig makes 5. Since when is it only the mother's responsibility to raise these children? Did we learn nothing from Mr. Mom? Dads can do this, too. And more often than happens, they should. Why is this even a topic of discussion?

And finally, the limelight question. This is the hardest one for me, because the choice she makes here affects Bristol directly. There is always a possibility that there is a bit of narcissistic Mommy Dearest going on here. And if it is, then it's sad and would put her into my not-role-model-mom category. But there's also a possibility that she thinks her daughter can handle being temporarily in the spotlight (she'll be old news once another celebrity descends from an Escalade in a short skirt and no undies). We just don't know, and therefore can't assume the worst, even if it does make for lusty headlines.

Now, as this is my rant, I can tell you what I think. I don't like Sarah Palin's political positions and I think she is seriously lacking in the experience required for this job. I wouldn't fly in my third trimester, work would be the very, very last thing on my mind so shortly after giving birth, I'm fairly sure my husband would not be happy staying home to take care of 5 kids whereas I probably would be, and like her I would probably not pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because my daughter made an unfortunate mistake that so many other girls have made.

You may think I'm a horrible wife for convincing myself that the sheets don't need changing just yet or for getting testy with Martin when he has to work late, again. Or you may think I'm a horrible wife for having sex when I really don't feel like it but know that he wants it sooo much. Why am I not more/less domestic/independent? It's none of your business. And her private life is none of mine.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Soapbox, part one

Family values are a whole lot easier with money. Blah blah yippee for the Palin family for sticking to their family values, but their family is not the one I'm worried about. So their 17-year-old will soon be a mother. She'll have financial and emotional support and it'll be damn hard but she'll get through it - they'll make sure she gets through it.

But what about the 17-year-old who gets kicked out by her family when they find out, whose boyfriend high fives his buddies because he's proven he's potent and has his eye on the hot chick on the next block, and who has no idea how she'll finish school or support herself and her baby?

What about the 44 year old who finds out she's carrying a baby with a fatal genetic defect? While I realize Sarah Palin could have made a different choice with her pregnancy, many kids with Downs live and live well. She'd make a woman carry a baby to term, even knowing that that child will die shortly after birth. She doesn't support exceptions in cases of rape or incest or to protect the health of the mother.

I'm fiercely pro-choice, in case you couldn't tell. Sounds funny when you know how desperately I want a baby. The idea of a woman making that choice makes my heart sink, but I can't make it for her. I can't tell her that no matter what, she can't control what goes on inside your own body. I don't believe that the rights of the fetus trump the rights of the mother immediately after conception. And I don't believe I can tell someone that she now has to be an incubator when she doesn't want to.

We need to make this choice easier for women - we need to weight the question on the side of life. We need affordable day care, education possibilities, paternal accountability, and psychological care for any woman who needs it. So many of the women who end up in a clinic are between the cliched rock and hard place. What if they were between said rock and a memory foam pillow? Which way would she lean? See what I'm saying?

Have I mentioned yet that we've started again? I'm on day #5 of the stupidly ironic birth control pills and can start the joys and night sweats of forced menopause on Sept 11th. And as annoying as the side effects are, I'm so glad to be moving forward... a friend who knows about the IVF and miscarriage just announced that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knew as I was confiding in her while still bleeding, and I truly thank her for not telling me then.

I left her house dazed and in tears and went home to an argument with Martin who was too freaked out over our impending home purchase to realize that I needed some comfort. Her news didn't interest him. He didn't get that it interested me very, very much. So we had a bad day.

This home purchase is a whole 'nother basket of crap. (That sounds like the Martha Stewart version of the flaming-bag-of-dog-poop prank, topped with a tasteful gingham bow.) The bank has been too optimistic with their time estimates, so we may have to move our belongings to a storage facility and us into a hotel at the end of the month if the money doesn't come through in time.

Oh, did I mention that my mother is coming to visit? The very same maternal figure who knows nothing about our IVF or miscarriage yet will be here while I'm injecting myself with serious mood-altering drugs that make me twist my face and do the ugly cry at the slightest unhappy thought? Yes, she'll be arriving during the forced menopause stage and will stay through the move and stimulation phase, which means she may also need to be installed in a hotel. It's getting better and better.

I'm somewhat relieved to have to tell her about the IVF (which I'll do after she has arrived). I'm hoping that I might get a little TLC that Martin seems not to be able to give at this moment. He's a good guy and he's worried about me, but he can fly into all-about-me panic mode (many mortgage snafus are not helping my cause) and let's be honest, he's a guy. If I don't tell him specifically that I need something from him, I probably won't get it.

Well. Moving forward. Not feeling so optimistic at the moment, but early days and yadda yadda.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Green Light

Green light to start IVF again! I have the prescriptions and started taking the birth control pills on Saturday. Then we decided to wait an extra month to start IVF again. We're waiting on purpose. I can't believe it... I want so very badly to get moving on this.

Mr Twinge will have to go on a business trip and he guesses it will be right around retrieval and transfer time. I already have plane tickets to London for a wedding - right around retrieval and transfer time. And we're trying to buy a condo. Guess when we'll have to pack and get the old apartment in shape? That's right - right around retrieval and transfer time. On top of all of that, my mother will be coming to stay with us right around retrieval and transfer time, and she still doesn't know about the IVF or miscarriage. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her about it, but there'd be no way to hide it while she's here.

So, looks like it's October for us. Damn it.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Impatient

HCG is at 9 today. The next beta will be on Aug 8th. If it's low enough, then we can make an appointment to start a new cycle. Until then, it's more w a i t i n g.

I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sad that the last trace of our baby is almost gone. And I feel guilty for wanting it to go. And then I feel sad again.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Little Bit

I don't know what is going on with stupid clichés in the news lately, but I've heard reference to "you can't be a little bit pregnant" 4 or 5 times over the past two days.

I think there are plenty of women who would disagree, plenty who have felt they were only "a little bit pregnant."

Thursday, July 03, 2008

How am I supposed to feel about this?

I can't decide if this is good or bad news. I had my follow-up appointment this morning, and it turns out absolutely nothing was wrong (that they could find). Structurally and chromosomally, everything hunkey dory. So then what the hell happened? And how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

And it was a girl.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Optimism, day one - accomplished

I made it very well through my first day of looking forward. No tears, and only slight fear when Mr wanted sex (the OB said it was OK with condoms, but I'm still afraid of infection because I can't keep my fingers from typing bad, bad searches into Google, who then takes absolute glee in pointing me to every possible horror story about what has gone wrong post D&C). I was actually very, very happy. I didn't do my usual day-one diet cheating, either. (This time, I'm not changing what I eat so much as how much of it.)

Except when on the way home from the gym (one hour of cardio - go me!), I saw beautiful avocados at the vegetable stand near my apartment. Guacamole. Lots of it. But at least the fat is the good kind of fat. And it has lots of other healthy stuff - tomatoes, lemon, onion... and we ate it with flour tortillas (can't find corn here *anywhere*) instead of chips.

I think I'm going to have it again for dinner tonight - perhaps this time with some grilled chicken and then I can claim protein intake, too. It's all about fooling myself. Just like stolen french fries have no calories. And the 2.5 lbs I've "lost" in 3 days isn't just water.

But, good girl that I was, I didn't haul out the leftover margaritas. I'll save that for the weekend.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Looking Forward

I let myself do whatever I wanted this past week. Beer followed by margaritas? Sure. Another slice of pizza? Yes, please. Lots of tapas involving bacon in various forms? But of course.

And last night, the tapas/sangria/gin and tonic with the girls night, I finally felt kind of normal again. I was able to talk about what happened without crying, and I could then leave that topic and not think about it again until I got home. Yes, the liter of sangria (shared) and two gin & tonics (get your grubby paws off my booze) were probably equally responsible, but that's fine with me.

Today is the start of looking forward. As of this morning, I'm on a weight loss plan (to lose those stupid 7 pounds I gained through the IVF and pregnancy) which consists of eating smaller portions of my normal fare, adding a few more vegetables to the mix, and going to the gym.

Ah, the gym. I haven't been there in three long months. Don't get me wrong, I'm a rather slothful person, but over the past few years I have really come to love going to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical machine at a medium pace, I sink into the fluffy joy of my bed and sleep the whole night through. I haven't done that in three long months, either.

And I had a telephone appointment with Dr this morning. He'll OK our next try as soon as my hCG gets back to zero. It was at 1247 yesterday. Two to four weeks.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Universe, you are one sick bastard

I had my D&C today. All in all, not bad. Except that I took a taxi home because Mr. was going to miss his flight to Vienna and wasn't able to drive me home. Stupid business trip.

So. I decided to lay in bed, surf the web, and watch crap TV.

#1 Email in my inbox (from a college friend - haven't heard from her in well over a year):
Dear Friends,

Please be informed that I will be on maternity leave as from June 16th. My mobile phone number will remain unchanged (+36-11-1111111) and you can also reach me on the following email address: myaddress@myemail.com

Best regards, A



#2 Email in my inbox:

Hi Beth!

...blah-di-dah about breast cancer thingy...

Funny story – S sent me a text message awhile back (just after the AGM) saying “Beth is pregnant!” and I got all excited for YOU! Well, turns out, it was her sister-in-law Beth! I was all ready to send you a congratulatory note. How funny is that?



All the best,

J

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Perspective

I cancelled our dinner guests on Friday night. I thought I'd want distraction, but it turned out that I just had no energy left in me and knew I wouldn't be able to put on a happy face, let alone properly operate the oven.

But I'd planned a charity thing months ago for today and couldn't cancel at the last minute. It's for post-operative breast cancer patients. I have to say that all of the preparations that I had to do yesterday and this morning were a very welcome distraction.

What really struck me this afternoon was hearing about the illness and treatment from someone fighting for her life. My problems are sad, sure. I'm going to do a lot more crying and feeling sorry for myself tomorrow after the D&C. But now I have perspective - I will get through this, healthy and with a very good chance at success the next go round (or two). Frauke may not.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Margarita Time

We lost the baby. I think I'll have something alcoholic rather soon.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Missing Post

I hid my last post - the one about my family. There's no reason - they won't find this blog, but I want to follow my own version of the golden rule: blog about others as you would have them blog about you.

Or: assume that the person you wrote about will read the post.

I've written about some of the horrible experiences I've had in my women's group (there are lots of nice people in addition to the horrible ones), but if they ever found this blog and asked me about it, I'd ask them to point out which parts are untrue. I also don't really care what the horrible ones think about me - I tend to stay away from them because they annoy the crap out of me.

But my family - that's another story. They are good and loving people who happen to have some issues. And who doesn't have issues? It's not like they are eating babies or enslaving left-handed Eskimos in the basement.

So that's why the post is gone.

To answer the question of the day in a more appropriate way: I was the peacemaker, now I'm the bystander.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The book is still blank

After my second beta, I bought a beautiful blank book. I'd planned to keep track of this pregnancy week by week so that I could go back and read it on sleepless nights.

That book is still blank. The thought of it sitting on a shelf forever with only a few entries and 100 blank pages was too much for me. I'm now enjoying being pregnant - even if turns out that it's only for a few more weeks. Mr. and I were watching TV in bed when I thought - yes, here we are, the whole family in bed. All three of us.

It doesn't look promising and I know that. I'm not kidding myself and I'm preparing myself for the worst. But for now I'm also having fun thinking about nurseries and names and whether she'll have his smile.

But I still can't write in that damn book.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Not the worst news...

I just got home from the ultrasound. Bad news or good news first? Bad news - the baby is measuring one and a half weeks too small. The OB (yup, OB, not RE) said she wouldn't think a thing about it with a natural conception, but that this is rather uncommon for ICSI babies. Now for the good news - we saw a heartbeat.

We are nowhere near safe yet, but we are also still in the game. Next ultrasound is June 20th, and I'm just going to enjoy myself until then.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

I think I know the answer

My symptoms are basically gone. I think I know how tomorrow's ultrasound is going to go. Sigh.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Limbo

So we went for our first ultrasound this morning (6 weeks 5 days) and it's a bit small and no heartbeat. The doctor told me that this is still normal, but that we have to see a heartbeat next week and to remember that not all pregnancies end with a baby. Gaah.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk I was in tears. Mr. is still optimistic, but I don't think I am.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Little Family Humor

My aunt sent a round mail today to all of us:

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Pass this along



My cousin, her son, wrote back:

Mom,

Thanks for the great idea, since I know Freddie is your favorite son I am going to steal his plate to get free gas and get him arrested. Then your precious little boy will just be just another dirt bag criminal. He will probably even lose his job. There is no way that you could ever love him then. I hope that you are happy with yourself, by sending out this ridiculous email you just got your son in big trouble. Now I just need to find a way to get you to hate Bobby, and I can slide into the number 1 spot. Holy cow I can't believe you send out this junk. I think you need a full time job.



Maybe you don't find this kind of thing funny, but I laughed out loud in my office.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

New Twinge Obsessions

I've been kinda twingy in the abdomen and kinda nauseous for a few days. Just a little, just enough to notice. Today - nothing. I know, I know that this means nothing. But... where did my twinges go? They were kind of reassuring. I miss them.

Second beta test is tomorrow. When that turns out OK, then I'll feel much, much better. (I know everything will be fine. I think we already beat the odds and that we've already gotten past the hardest part of this whole process.)

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Turns out the gut, it is full of shite

I took yet another home test before my 7 am official, medically certified pregnancy test appointment because I had one left and I didn't want it sitting there mocking me. Stark white. My butt in winter white.

So I kinda forgot to take my progesterone this morning (two suppositories three times a day - the joy at Chateau Beth never ends). I said screw it and had a cup of coffee and a cup of black tea. I made a date with a friend for sushi for tomorrow. I planned my next possible cycle dates. I rode roller coasters, chugged whiskey, and smoked up. Ok, maybe not that last part.

The clinic was supposed to call at 1 pm. My cell phone rang at 3 freaking 30.

"So... Mrs. G?"
"Yes"
"Born on a date you don't care to post on the internet?"
"Yes"
"You came in and took a test today?"
"Yes"
"At 7 this morning?"
"Yes"
"For Dr. R?"
"Yes"
"A pregnancy test?"
"Yes and for the love of George Michael will you please just let me get this horrendous phone call over with so I can go on drowning my sorrows in my whisky... I mean coffee... I mean wholesome water before I scream and cause a ruckus in my relatively new place of work that hasn't gotten to see the true quirkiness of me yet?"
"Congratulations, it is positive."

So I never got to watch a stick glow with the stinky goodness of a second pee line, but I think I can live without it.

(Beta is 148 and the next one is on Monday. Take that, stupid gut.)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The gut, it is mighty

I should know better than to dispute the gut. It is all-knowing and incredibly intuitive. It told me that I wasn't pregnant, and lo and behold - BFN this morning. Beta is tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope.

The gut is now instructing me to pick myself up and get ready for round two. I'm going to listen.

Friday, May 02, 2008

1

One little embryo seems to be OK at this point. So fingers crossed, we'll get to transfer it tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

2

Yup, 2. That's how many eggs we got at retrieval today. There were lots of big follicles on the screen (although the doc never did a full count)... so how can I have only 2 eggs?

I'm already prepared for a negative this cycle. Yeah, I know, it only takes one and blah-di-dah, but let's be straight here. The chances with only 2 are pretty damn slim. So - I know I'm not out, but realistically I know I'm pretty close.

At least I'll be able to fly home for Thanksgiving this year without worrying about my 3rd trimester. Sigh.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Surfacing

It's Friday and I'm meeting some girlfriends for sushi. I kind of want to tell them about the whole IVF thing, especially as I'm toting a big ass bag of medications and protein powder to the restaurant. On the other hand, if I do that, then I have to tell them the results when they come in, and that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't know how I'd do it if it's negative.

I guess I should post a little catch-up: I started taking the birth control pills on March 20th and started snorting the suppressant on April 2nd. The stimulation injections began on April 18th, which means today will be the 8th injection. It's looking like retrieval will be on April 30th.

One ovary is not responding very well, but luckily the other is practically over responding so the total count will be OK. The doc didn't count at the appointment this morning, he just had a quick look. I think Monday's appointment will be a bit more thorough.

He also told me to expect a lot of pain on the left side after the trigger - joy! Something to look forward to! Ah well. I'll happily accept it for the chance to make this work.

So. That's where I am. Out a boatload of cash for medication and freaked out as all get out.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Thank You

I've been staying away, trying to keep my life as normal as possible. I'm trying not to wallow. (Wow, is that a good word. Like loaf or squiggle. Anyhoo.)

I just wanted to write a quick note to all of you - thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been reading all of your posts - all of them - and although I haven't commented, I'm still passively here, absorbing your posts.

I'm not sure that I'm going to post so often in the coming weeks. I'm getting my hopes up and trying to keep them under control at the same time... sitting and contemplating and then writing about it doesn't help in that effort.

In general, I'm to start snorting some chemical up my nose next Wednesday. I'll have a wonderful intimate wanding on April 18th, and I guess after that I get to learn how a syringe works.

This is all part of my Zen plan. I've read so many articles from medical journals and quite technical books about IVF that I feel I know why and in what order things happen. My doctor has read all of this and more, so now it's time to trust him and just go with the Flow. My obsession with all things fertility has waned, and now I'm happy to say yes sir when he tells me to inject some random vial into my butt.

I can't do any more. I think I'd know enough now to stand up for my reproductive self if I felt something was amiss, but I'm not going to constantly question why I snort while another lady shoots up. (I've been in contact with other ladies in my clinic via a very humorous forum - and I provide the humor with my hacked posts in a language I muddle through when speaking by mumbling through the important verb endings. I can't mumble in forum posts.)

So, that's that for a while. If anything important happens or I just need to vent, I'll be here to post. But even if you don't actually hear from me, know I'm still reading your posts and still very grateful that you've been reading mine.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Just a quick update

We started our first IVF cycle on Thursday. Woohoo! And finally! So now it's 7-8 looong weeks of waiting and hoping.

Told ya this update would be quick.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Finally moving forward

We had another appointment at the clinic today, and we finally have something to actually do! OK, it involves more waiting, but there is also action, it requires a manly figure, and it could employ a kung-fu grip. Mr. got to mail in our treatment plan to his insurance, and his iron vice of a hand didn't even pierce the envelope. Then... guess what? We get to wait. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Oh, but after it comes back we get to send it in to my insurance and wait some more. Once the bureaucrats are done having their fun, the clinic will mail us all of the medications and we can get our own party started.

Alright, bitchy time is over.

Now I get to say how much I love our new doctor. After Dr. Rumpus McFusselpuss, Downer MD, even Dr. House would be a ray of Pollyanna sunshine. (Yes, I do know that referring to TV characters in reference to real life signals an addiction to the soul suck that is TV. I can quit any time I want, and I'll keep saying that while my eyeballs dry out at 4 am because I'm so engrossed - read: brain dead - that I forgot to blink.)

Anyhoodle. Where was I? Yeah, attention span of a gnat.

The doc who gives me twinges of joy. Yes. He explained exactly why I have to take Dexmethasone at night. He went over the semen analysis. He sympathized with the whole injections thing, yet explained why I'll only get the progesterone as a nasal spray. And he freely did all of this while smiling. And asking questions about us and our relationship because I think he is genuinely interested in us as people, not just as a penis and a uterus. He was curious about what language we speak at home (answer: the one that's not English) and how we'll speak to our child (answer: each in our native language). We chatted a bit about culture shock and American bureaucracy in comparison to our local pencil pushers. It was pleasant, and we left feeling that the staff as a whole are looking out for us.

So. Yes, we are waiting some more. But Mr. got to carry an envelope to the post office today, and that's a giant step towards actually starting treatment. Finally, 10 months into this, but woohoo... here we go!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

You can ignore this post

This is a serious blog therapy post for me. I'm writing for me because I need to get it out. Miss "Rubbing It In", I don't care to hear your thoughts. I'm not going to read any further private messages from you.

Anyhoo.

My period came. I knew it would because I'm extremely regular. And I knew Mr.'s results wouldn't be ready.

I called the clinic this morning to find out if I can at least start the pill this month. Nope, I can't start anything until all of the results are in. Mr.'s results should be here in a few days, so we'll have to wait another cycle all for a few days delay.

Charting was making me crazy, so I quit doing that a while back. It was a fantastic decision and now I use the free service just to track my menses. When I logged in tonight to enter the start of my period, I saw that we are now on cycle 11. I know, that doesn't seem like a lot to people who have been trying for ages. But we started down the infertility path only a couple of months into it, so we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to just do something about it already for nearly 9 of those 11 months.

I wasn't terribly emotional at the start. I'm a practical sort of person, and when Mr. told me that he suspected he had a problem I didn't cry. The tears came for only a few minutes when he got the confirmation from the doc. The next 5 or 6 months were relatively uneventful emotionally. I was resolved to tackle this and I was sure that I, and we, would be OK if it didn't happen. Now I know that we'll be OK, but I'm not so sure about me.

Slowly, I started reacting to babies. Everywhere. TV shows, public transportation, baby food in the supermarket. It has gotten to the point where I nearly lost it at work this week for some baby-related comment that I don't even recall anymore. I do remember bitterly fighting not to cry in front of my new colleagues. I was sick last week and watched the local equivalent of Baby Story two days in a row, sobbing throughout each half hour episode. I'm not a sobber, but it was cathartic.

It's nearly midnight and I'm tired just from writing this. Maybe tomorrow I can organize my thoughts and write something coherent. For tonight, just getting this far was enough.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The insurance downside

Mr. just called. He had just finished with his appointment to give his sample for the last sperm analysis. The specialist said that our doctor will have the results and his recommendation report within two weeks. I know they have to actually do the analysis within an hour, so the two week lag is the joy of semi-socialized medicine.

I'm due to start a new cycle in a few days, and since our doctor won't have the results in time, he won't be able to submit a treatment plan to our insurance in time for this cycle. That means waiting some more, and as we all know, patience is my best quality. Ahem.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I'm still here...

I took a little break from writing, both here and on my "public" blog. In addition to that, I by and large gave up charting. The lack of constant contemplation makes it seem as if time has flown, and that's good because we are still playing the IVF waiting game.

Here's a little catch-up:

Our new clinic is fantastic. I found out that yes, I do have PCOS, but it's incredibly mild and hasn't seemed to have ever interfered with ovulation or my cycle. I'm taking a teeny dose of a steroid and it has totally normalized my wonky hormones, so yay.

Mr. goes for his 4th semen analysis tomorrow. This will be the second one for the new clinic, because apparently the old clinic didn't record some values that the new clinic really wants to know, like, oh, TOTAL SPERM COUNT. Yes, that's right. The number that we assumed was the count on the first two wasn't (my translation error? no idea..).

The doctor sent Mr. to a specialist where they do a hand count and the specialist wanted to know if there were more than 10 in the sample. There were 10 million. All deformed, but perfectly acceptable for ICSI. Tomorrow should just confirm the results.

The geneticist at the mandatory genetic counseling was fun. He was quite young but incredibly intense with crazy eyes, and it provided for much fodder for Young Frankenstein jokes in the elevator on the way out.

So, where are we now? Waiting, of course. I have no idea how the whole insurance approval thing works (thank god for nationally mandated IVF coverage), but I'm hoping we can get moving on this soon. And now I'm feeling like I can talk about it again.

yeah.

I just read an email from my mom. The daughter of a friend of hers is pregnant. This makes baby #11 in the past year. Yes, we are now up to 11.

I'm so happy for this girl, she was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade and underwent a lot of chemo and radiation for a couple of years. She'll go into early menopause and they thought it was highly unlikely that she would ever have children, so this baby really is a miracle for them.

I'm trying really hard not to go into "why not me, too" mode, because I certainly would rather be in my position than hers. But still, she'll have a baby in June and I won't. So, thank god I'm healthy. But still. ARGH.

The insurance question

Yet another reason to feel so incredibly lucky.

I'm an American who lives in Europe. The particular country in which I live mandates health insurance. For everyone. You gotta have it. If you lose your job, the government helps you pay your premiums. There's no other choice.

If you income is below a certain level (an above-average salary), you have to take the state insurance. This doesn't come directly from the state, it comes from private companies that must by law offer a certain level of coverage. In general, it costs between 10 and 15% of your pre-tax income, depending on the company you choose.

Private insurance (an option for those who earn more than the threshhold) is a bit different and is closer to the American system, which means that it also gets more expensive as you get older. We decided to stick with the state insurance.

So, what does this mean for us? The government mandates that IVF is 50% covered for the first 3 tries per child. If we decide to try for a second, then we get another 3 covered. This in and of itself is excellent news. Additionally, the medical system here is not so broken that everything costs 10 times what it should. Even if we had to pay for the whole shebang, it would come to about 3,000 euros. Uh huh. One-third to one-quarter of the cost, even without insurance.

And our president claims that the US healthcare system is OK.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Maybe next year...

Test was glaringly negative. It's day 15 (3-4 days longer than usual), my temperature is still above the coverline, and I have no period or spotting. My body is obviously messing with me now.

But... I can drink wine over the weekend in Spain. That's something.

Thanks for the hand-holding. It's nice to have someone to wait with.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Good News and the Bad News

I'll start with the bad. Mr. got his second semen analysis results via telephone yesterday and they are worse. To recap the last results: less than a million total and all have very poor morphology. The doc told Mr. over the phone that we should make an appointment because ICSI may not even be an option. Yeah, that super attitude is why our appointment in December is with another clinic, one that likes to share stories of how they found two lonely sperm in a sample and still created a pregnancy.


Now for the good - or at least not bad. It is 14 days past ovulation, which is two days longer than normal, and my temperature is still quite above the coverline, although a little lower than yesterday and the day before. I have no signs of my usual cramps or spotting or any of that. Yeah, combined with the results from yesterday, this is weird.

So, if nothing occurs by tomorrow morning, I'm breaking out that test. :) Thanks for the good wishes!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Idiot Anonymous

Hi, my name is Beth, and I'm an idiot.

*Hi Beth*

I'm setting myself up again for a huge disappointment. I don't want to be one of those crazy women who posts every last little symptom and sign: could I be? am I? am I not?. I think I've said that quite a bit before. So I guess I also should locate the nearest chapter of Boring Repetitious Bloggers Anonymous. But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to share my latest tale of idiocy.

I have a very, very regular cycle. This cycle is turning out not to be so regular. And my heart is saying "neener neener" and doing that thumb-to-nose finger-waving thing to my brain. My brain is getting rather pissed off at such a juvenile display and is kind of hankering to bitch-slap my heart when it's not looking, but the brain has no arms and can't reach that far so that's kind of a stupid thing for a brain to want to do.

I went searching through my apartment for one of my cheap pregnancy tests this morning. The only one I could find was the expensive-ish one, and I'm not about to pee on 8 euros just because I'm an idiot. I may well be an idiot, but I'm a frugal idiot who is planning three vacations and IVF. So now we're at the waiting stage - waiting for the cramps, spotting, and temperature drop that I expected a day or two ago. Two more days to wait and then we'll see.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I've been away...

I've been working in another city for a few days, and I don't have internet there.

Just in case you were wondering what the big deal a few days ago was... I quit my job of 4 1/2 years. And my new boss is friends with my old boss. Which made quitting rather uncomfortable.

In any case, contractually I have to give notice for the end of the quarter (Dec. 31st) six weeks prior. But I have vacation starting Dec 17th... which means only four more weeks! And two of those involve long weekends!

So that's where I've been. I have a six month probationary period at the new place, so of course I had to tell them about the IVF. I can't continually be gone for appointments without them knowing why. It was odd to tell them and still not have told our families. Ah well, the bosses won't point to my *ahem* not-so-studious (i.e. not-so-sober) college days as the reason we are having trouble now.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Second time's the charm?

Mr. went for his second sperm analysis today. We get the results in a few days. Ah, more waiting. Just what my patient self loves to do. I also never get marks in my fresh nail polish because I'm that good with waiting.

Ahem. Back from Fantasyland. Sorry about that little diversion.

The doctor from our IVF informational evening and Dr. Silber, author of my favorite IVF book, both stress how variable these results can be from day to day. They have charts! I like statistical charts! So now I'm wondering if the last results were on the bad end... we were in Amsterdam right before the last sample, ahem. He also hadn't quit smoking at that point. Or maybe the result was on the better end, despite the indulgences. Or - and this is what I am expecting - it was a fairly normal sample.

Mr. is finally ready to start learning more about the situation. He's read his sperm report a number of times, but I think until now he'd only seen little Viagra pills dancing across the page, taunting him and denigrating his manhood. Nasty little buggers those, making him think that a bad sperm analysis means he's impotent or will soon be. Last week he finally asked me if I knew what it all meant, so I gave him the synopsis and suggested he look at some of my books. So much for light bedtime reading. Last night, his brain started smoking over a section on azoospermia. I had to calm the poor guy down and show him the section on oligospermia. Our new mantra: a few is better than none.

Mr. was on a prize jury, so he's off to the awards ceremony tonight in another city a plane ride away. That's good - something to get his mind off of it, at least for tonight. As for me, I'm going to light many, many candles and watch crap TV and try not get marks in my nail polish.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Keeping Up

I want to do NaBloPoMo with both this blog and my regular blog that has nothing whatsoever to do with babies. I got a late start on this one because it didn't occur to me to post on both.

But tonight it's really cold in our apartment and I just battled it out to get two FTP servers running on two different computers at home (yes, I'm a total geek). Now I want to go to bed so this is all the post you get for today.

I think this is technically cheating, but it's better than flaking out in the first week, right?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Some People...

I like Oprah. She seems smart and compassionate, so it pissed me off even more than it should have when I read an transcript of one of her shows wherein she asks a woman struggling (and spending) to conceive if she had considered adoption.

It is a loaded question for infertiles. 'No' implies that you are selfish and don't care about giving a loving home to children who desperately need one. 'Not yet' suggests that these kids would be second choice, again making you selfish. 'Yes' means you've given up. Notice that fertile people are never guilted with the 'poor little orphans' number.

You wouldn't suggest to a family who just lost a child that they get started on a replacement. The need time to mourn their first before they can be healthy parents to another. The feelings are similar for the little one you've dreamt of but haven't met yet. You imagine seeing your husband's goofy grin or your freckles on this person who the two of you created. We as women have heard so much about the amazing experience of carrying a life within us... and now we're supposed to turn all of that emotion off and just be happy to have any child.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I know that adopted children are just as wanted and loved as biological offspring. But I don't want to adopt out of desperation. I want to want to adopt. I'm a long way from that point. Am I selfish for spending so much money in an attempt to have my own baby? Damn straight. And if it doesn't work for us, I'll cry and mourn and eventually get over it. And that's the point where I'll research adoption more thoroughly.

But don't suggest it to me before I get there.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Quickie

My husband gave me flowers for exactly the second time in our relationship. And I can't stop staring at them, even though they give me butterflies in my stomach. I'm that sappy and in love.

But the big news is... we have our first IVF appointment. December 6th. St. Nicholas Day. I don't think we'll be able to start any treatments before January or February because we'll be visiting my parents from mid-December to New Year's Day. But we're moving forward, and I have to be happy with that for now.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Two are here

Two of the many expected babies have arrived.

One was a week early because a hemorrhage sent blood into the mom's spinal column, paralyzing her. They did a caesarean without anesthesia and then rushed her into surgery. Mom and baby are both home, baby is fine and Mom will make a full recovery but has to do a lot of rehab. (The condition that caused this was pre-existing but not detected and not pregnancy-related. I don't want to scare any expectant moms out there.)

The other was induced about a month early because the baby was stressed. I haven't heard how they are doing, so I'm going with "no news is good news".

I'm no where near finished with the first blanket and haven't started the second. I thought I had more time!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Hiatus

We're off in a few hours. I've just started my period (of course), but I'm not bringing any thermometers, infertility books, or the like along for the week. It's going to be sun, sand, margaritas, and nothing else.

I hate to call this our honeymoon because it's so cheesy, but I'm afraid we haven't had any other and this is the first non-family related vacation since our wedding... so yeah, I guess it's our honeymoon in Fuertaventura.

I wanted to sneak to Cuba.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Vacation Time!

Woohoo! We are flying on Saturday for some lovely sun, which is very important as this summer the weather here has suuuucked. Summer is not supposed to be sweater weather.

And I made it to the store yesterday to get yarn for the many baby blankets I'm preparing to make. (I crochet little one-color afghans as my standard baby gift.) The beer in my system (thanks to my friend Simon and his suggestion that we meet up at an Irish pub) didn't make me sleepy enough to hinder the blanket-starting process, but my husband did end up falling asleep next to me cuddling a ball of yarn instead of his sweet and attentive wife who went to the pub instead of staying home to take care of her poor husband with a bad cold. (Why did I not take a photo of that?)

And... I just got a notification that my books have arrived. Thank you, Amazon! My book club will be reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, but I didn't particularly care for the second half of The Kite Runner so that was a grudging purchase. My other books are much more intriguing to me: IVF: The Wayward Stork: What to Expect, Who to Expect It From, and Surviving It All and How to Get Pregnant: The Classic Guide to Overcoming Infertility. I really want to dig into these, but I think my husband would throw them into the ocean if I brought them along as my beach reads.

Monday, September 17, 2007

8!

I know seven (!) pregnant couples. I just found out about the eighth - Jonathan was born on September 14th to a former colleague and his wife.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Fate

I'd only told one person about trying to have a baby: my dear friend, who lives thousands of miles away and is a birth doula and childbirth and lactation educator. Of course, she now knows about our infertility, too.

There would just be too much pressure if people knew, and I really didn't want to hear constant questions, advice, whatever.

The fertility boards were a good start for support, but lately I've spent more time writhing in my seat and yelling at the monitor instead of being a productive member of the group. Vox is many orders of magnitude better... I can vent, introspect, and laugh and not feel like I'm all alone in this (I love reading your comments and messages, by the way.)

In my non-electronic life, I'm an expat. I'm fairly fluent in the language now, but when I first arrived I couldn't follow the rapid conversations that occur in a group, and as a result I have a very small circle of friends. I'm working on that, too. I've recently joined a knitting circle where I get to practice my language skills and my knitting at the same time. And I joined a club for American women... this is the club to which I refer in previous posts, and about which I wrote those horrible (but true) things on my other blog. (I'll also post later about why I didn't want to join until now, more than 4 years after moving here.)

I attended a new member evening last night. I could talk! Freely! In English! I wanted to keep chatting all night. At dinner, I was seated next to a woman I'd never met, and we got to talking, as you do. Without going into boring detail, there was a point when I just had this feeling that I had to tell her that we are going to start IVF.

It was amazing. She told me that she had been through it 4 times with no success, but had so much to share about the local clinics, including some very bad experiences with the clinic we were planning to use. She took my hands and made me promise to get a second opinion from her favorite clinic, and said that every woman she has sent there has had a baby. She called herself my talisman. She also made me promise that I wouldn't invite her to the baby shower.

In the end, she gave me her email address and offered any support she could give.

One day, I'll post the whole incredible story of how I ended up moving here. For now, just know that every step seemed to be fate. Meeting my husband when I did (about a year after moving here and a month after deciding that this does feel like home) and our further story again seems like fate. And yesterday... the day before my fertility forum membership expired, I met my talisman.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Now I'm just being mean

This is my last little fertility board rant.

Number one: No, wikipedia is not sufficient evidence to convince me that global warming does not exist.

Number two: Of course you know who killed Madeleine McCann.

Number three: Oh for the love of pete - learn to use an OPK or stop using them. Posting three times a day with "Did I O? *pic*" is getting old. I don't want to see your pee sticks with more regularity than my mealtimes.

Number four: This crying escalation is getting silly. One poster says she's choked up, another says tears are rolling down her cheeks, the next can't see the post through her tears, and the last couple are actually bawling. (No, this isn't hypothetical. A cat died and that's really, really sad, but I say no bawling unless you've ever actually touched the cat.)

My subscription runs out in three days. I'm not sure I can bring myself to renew.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Shushy McJudge, at your service

I know kids don't need a whole lot of material stuff. I know parenting has very little to do with what you can physically provide for your children.

But (you knew that was coming, right?), when you are posting on a fertility board about whether or not ovulation predictor kits can be used as pregnancy tests because you have zero dollars until your husband gets paid next week and so can't afford a pregnancy test... that might be a sign that now is not the best time for you to bring a life into this world.

Same goes for the lady who requested your cheapest recipes, who then replies that they aren't cheap enough because she's already having to cut back to feed her family of four. Again - is now really the best time to add a fifth?

I don't want to sound like a snob, but is reality at all entering their reproductive choices? When you are struggling to provide even the basics like, uh, food, it might be wise to postpone taking on further obligations.

I'm kind of surprised at the number of women who are posting like this. I'm kind of shocked at the number who post about their husband's mental abuse (it's totally my inference that it's mental abuse, but hey... when a guy tells you you are stupid and no one else will have you... it's not a huge leap.)

And now Paris Hilton is talking babies. Did any of them really think this whole thing through?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Baby booming

There seems to be an explosion of expectant parents in my circle of friends. The problem is, explosions tend to leave a lot of collateral damage in their wake.

A friend called to wish me happy birthday yesterday. He had a bit of news, too: he's going to be a father in December. With a colleague with whom he wants no relationship. Who is also not his long-term, charmingly beautiful and intelligent live-in girlfriend. Who now neither lives-in nor is his girlfriend.

I'm not close with his now ex-girlfriend, but I want to reach out and hug her. And I want to kick my friend's ass.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Happiness, in husband form

We drove a total of 6 hours last night to spend 2 hours celebrating a friend's 40th birthday. I'm so glad we went, and I know it meant a lot to our friend that we made the effort to be there, even if we did leave at midnight because we are lame like that.

When we got there, I wondered if his girlfriend was wearing a particularly unflattering shirt. Nope, she's due in February. They are the sweetest couple and will be incredible parents. I was truly, truly happy to hear their news. On this night, there were no twinges of jealousy or longing. Just happiness for them.

It seemed to hit my husband kind of hard, though. On the drive home, he asked me if I'd asked her if it was planned. (I told him in no uncertain terms no, but that she volunteered a little bit of info that makes it sound like it was unplanned but completely welcome. They've been together for ages, I should add.) At the party, he quietly asked me if I was upset that it couldn't be us, too.

I took the opportunity on the drive home to reassure him that I don't blame him at all and that I've heard IVF is scary from the sound of it, but the actuality isn't so bad. You see, we have stopped talking about the whole baby thing for the most part. He's still feeling guilty and overwhelmed. There's not much we can do until his second semen analysis confirms the doctor's diagnosis. So there's no point in inviting the elephant into the room. He'll poke his head in every now and then so that he knows we haven't forgotten about him, but he can go graze in the yard for a while. (Do elephants graze? What about the fact that we live on the 6th floor without an elevator and have no yard? Am I totally blowing my metaphor?)

All of the unhappy Princess Diana coverage reminds me that I'm lucky to be in such a loving marriage. He's taking this hard, sure, because it affects his 'manhood', but more because he's worried about me. We fell asleep at 3 am holding hands.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sigh.

I've been OK with the whole infertility thing. Not great, but OK. Until yesterday.

I am usually a happy person and it takes a lot for me to cry. I've only cried once since I found out the sperm analysis results, and that was only for a few seconds right after hearing the news.

But last night, one stupid commercial sent by a friend was enough to send me. And today I stumbled on a blog with all sorts of "can't live without" baby products and a personal review of each... now I'm trying to hold back the tears at work.

A friend is coming to visit tonight, and he and his wife just found out they are expecting their third. I'm glad he's dropping by and I really do want to know that everything is progressing well. If anyone deserves some joy, it's this family. (They had a butthole doctor who wouldn't believe that their normally healthy son was truly sick, so he kept sending them home. The fever and infection got so bad that their poor son is now permanently brain-damaged and will never walk, talk, or sit on his own. He will always have to be fed and have his stomach massaged afterwards to aid digestion.)

I just wish his visit wasn't today. My hormones are so far from cooperative right now (thanks to my period, I think), and I don't want to do the fake-pleasant thing. I want to be truly happy for his wife and him, and I think I could do that tomorrow.

But he's coming today. So I'm going to end this post and work on collecting myself.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm an adult and I'm gonna post like one

I'm old. I think I'm technically ancient in the online world.

I refuse to post like a tween. I can type, and a few extra keystrokes aren't going to make my arthritis flare up.

I do not have a DH. I have a husband (who, like all husbands, sometimes just isn't that darling. No one is.) And I certainly don't BD or even baby dance. Just... ew. I have sex, damn it. And I don't need a blinkie to tell the world that fact.

A few blinkies can be cute (not in my signature, but whatever) and even informative (it can be good to know that someone else is also a fan of Grey's Anatomy). But holy crap, I think I'm going to develop epilepsy from a half-screen of blinking animated crap in the signature just one poster. Add scrolling to the mix, and that would be smoke you see coming from my eye sockets.

Alright, now that I've shown my age and curmudgeonliness (and aptitude for nonsense, based on that last word there), I'm going to go retreat into my Luddite cave with a book.

Edit, one hour later:
I'm slightly revising my position here. There are very helpful abbreviations. I don't mind TTC. It stands for what it is, it's not a cutesy euphemism. LOL, IRL, O... all of these are just the first letters of phrases that we all know and like. I like acronyms. I have nothing against that. Thanks for letting me clear that up. Do I have to add some sort of winky, blinky thing here so that you know I'm not so serious IRL?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Off to see Mr.

Mr. is filming some commercials in one of my favorite cities. I'm off in an hour or two to visit him. No computers, thermometers, or fertility books. Just me, my man, and hopefully my favorite Indian restaurant.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Snoopy dance

I swear, I'm in a great mood today. Everything is coming up Beth. My husband is on a business trip and I might go visit him over the weekend, it is nearly said weekend, and my boss has been gone for 3 days. My beer-induced fog has nearly completely lifted, and I actually brought my gym bag with me this morning with the real intention of going after work. A colleague brought a big ass Toblerone bar to share today. Does it get much better?

This doesn't even bother me. This... this... I don't know what. It's a chunk of my FertilityFriend chart, showing a bounce-back today. Did my progesterone decide to take a couple of days off? Did it at least bring me a nice souvenir?

Some context to the madness

It might be helpful to tell you a little bit about where I'm coming from. (I thought this was going to be my quiet little online journal that no one would ever read, but now I'm digging the interaction and I guess that's kind of the point of Vox instead of Blogger or what have you...)

So. Here we are.

I'm 32, my husband is 37, and we've been married for a whopping 9 months. I know, not very long at all. That might make you wonder how long we've been dealing with infertility and why I feel the need to whine on the internet. The answer is also not very long at all and because I'm a big whiner. More specifically, since the beginning of May (yes, this May) and I'm more of a closet whiner. Or mind whiner. (I whine to myself a lot, but not very often out loud.)

About 6 months before I got married, I started to lose gobs of hair. (Gross.) And from that, they found out that I have high androgens. That can, but doesn't have to, signal a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). When we decided to start trying to have a baby, I went and got checked out. It appears now that I don't in fact have a serious case of it. Hooray, right?

Well. Mr. had a hunch that something was wrong on his end, so he got checked out, too. Not so good. Horrible, in fact. A total count of under 1 million (normal is like 50-150 million, I think) and all of them, every last little bugger, was abnormal. The actual results said that each one checked had head, neck, and tail deformities.

The doctor won't confirm anything without a second sample, so my husband will have to go back in another couple of months. The doctor also said he's nearly 100% sure that the next sample will be just the same and that we won't be able to conceive naturally.

I'm OK with that. Mr. is starting to be OK with that.

But now you know why I need the sounding board.

P.S. I've heard it from other forums: I know it's really early to be complaining already, I know we're lucky to have found out so early, and I know that others have it a lot worse and have more of a right to bitch and moan. This is my blog therapy and I can do whatever I want with it, and that's why I'm writing here and not on the fertility boards. That's also why I'm keeping my board identities to myself. Thanks for understanding.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Now I've convinced myself

I went out last night with some friends and drank a whole lot of beer. See, now if I were truly delusional about being pregnant, I wouldn't have done that. Reality wins. (Or was it the beer that won?)

Oh, and I know you were wondering. Well, you probably couldn't care less, but I'll share anyway that my temperature is way down today. I don't think an implantation temp just keeps plummeting. More reality.

I have a headache (oh beer, last night you were my friend and this is how you treat me?) and I have work to do so I'm done posting for today. See you tomorrow.

(Oh, and no. This will not be one of those blogs where I update daily on my temperature or cervical position or other things that no one really needs nor wants to know. It just happened to fit into the reality smackdown theme today.)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I know better than this.

I know that I'm not pregnant. I can't be. It's nearly physically impossible.

But, as an insane person is apt to do, I thought felt 'twinges' yesterday. Down there.

I think I'm about 8 days past ovulation. That's just the right time for implantation to occur. And when I took my temperature this morning and added it to my chart, I thought, as an insane person is apt to do, "I wonder if that is an implantation dip."

I know better than to put myself in this position emotionally. I know better than to think that a drop in my temperature signals something. I know that this mythical 'implantation dip' is just some coincidental occurrence that has been built up in the minds of hopeful moms-to-be all over the internet.

And yet. Here I am.

My husband is away for 10 days on a business trip. Maybe this is a bit of guilty indulgence on my part. I don't think I'd dare allow myself these thoughts if his voice of reason was around. I have to talk myself down off of this ledge because it's too early in this process to start getting hopes up like this. We haven't even started treatments yet, except for Mr. Twinge's new vitamin regimen.

I have hope, sure. I know that one day we'll have an acceptable resolution (and I hope that comes in baby form). But I have to maintain a long-term hope, and not a daily "what does this or that or the other thing mean" kind of hope. It would wear me down too fast. I'm a laid-back, non-confrontational kind of person, and constant oscillation of emotion is something I'm not good at nor comfortable with.

But just writing this has already brought me a little closer to reality. Wow, blog therapy. Who knew?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Introduction

Hi. Call me Twinge.

This is a word that comes up over and over again in the world of infertility. A twinge when you want to be pregnant could be a sign of ovulation, a sign that a pregnancy is taking hold, a sign that something is going wrong, or maybe just that twinge of emotion from wanting something so much.

I've read and read and read about the condition of 'subfertility' and now I need an outlet to process all of that. I started a journal, but I type much faster than I write. It's such an intensely personal subject, and it might seem strange that I've chosen such a public platform. I don't mind sharing all of this as long as I can anonymously hide out on Vox behind a nickname for a while.

We've only told one person in the whole wide real world out there that we are trying to have a baby. And after I told her, we found out that we are 'subfertile'. So now she knows that, too. But really, there's only so much she and my husband can take of this subject.

What about my mom or my sisters? In the spirit of anonymous blogging, I'm going to admit that my family can be a pain in the ass and I don't want them to know until I'm safely in my second trimester, should that time ever arrive. Oh, don't worry about the details of my family right now. They'll be the subject of many posts to come, I think.

So if you've found me, hi. I'd be happy to chat with you, about anything. Books, TV, politics... whatever. Send me a note or post a comment. And I hope I'll be seeing you again.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Deprecated

Yet again, I'm moving platforms. You can find us at www.bethundmartin.de.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

We'll Never Know


It's either graffiti that has been properly conjugated or William Shatner is out tagging again.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Kings of the One-Take Video

I've seen other one-take videos from OK Go, and they are really, really good. But this one is by far their best (and the music is fantastic, too):

Thursday, March 09, 2006

For the Love of Wasabi

I love wasabi. I would marry wasabi. Apparently, Laid-Off Dad likes wasabi too:

"Culinary Revelation of the Day

If you dip a wasabi rice cracker in wasabi mayonnaise, pop it in your mouth, and chase it with a handful of wasabi peas, you can see through time."

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Hamburg Weather



Last weekend was one of those weekends that makes you want to dig out your Easter egg-colored sweaters and hide the cozy winter grey ones. It was actually, dare I say it, warm in the sun. Martin and I did our little traditional tour on Sunday where we buy fish and chips at Landungsbrücken, go for a little walk along the Elbe to the Fischmarkt, then take the ferry to Övelgönne and saunter along the beach for a while. This time we finished the day with mulled wine at a café, watching the boats go by. Even the birdies were enjoying themselves.

This Sunday is a bit different:



 

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Build a Little Pup Tent in Your Soul

It's kind of late for a Christmas post, but oh well.

Perhaps it was due to overindulgence of wine at dinner, but our pew at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve was a wee bit giggly. By a wee bit, I mean a lot, and by our pew, I mean us. But that's how bad the service was.

We didn't really get what the priest was on about during the homily, but from what we gather, he was trying to impart to us the three rules of Christmas:

  1. If you receive a tent as a gift, you have to give it away.

  2. You are allowed to keep cars.

  3. In the case of meat products, you must share them and additionally provide carrots, potatoes, and cabbage.


We were regaled with stories of Jesus building pup tents in our hearts, interspersed with the phrase, "It's not Christmas until you give it away" over and over (and over again), which of course led me to start quoting Red Hot Chili Peppers to Emilie...

Then the priest moved on to the story of his receiving a car from a parishoner who had passed on. We were expecting him to expound on his 'give it away' theme and tell us he found a family in trouble who could use the car more than he could, but no - he liked the car a lot and got a lot of enjoyment out of driving it.

And finally, there was a very confusing story about receiving 10 pounds of corned beef on St. Patrick's Day, during which the priest seemed rather bitter that he had to share it and was expected to provide vegetables. We heard a lot about the vegetables.

It was during this time that my mother started plotting our escape - she sent Emilie and Nate to collect the car and meet us at the rendevous at the appointed time. Mom then worked on getting bundled up with a minimum of disturbance, and managed to discover that her cape/coat had slits for her hands to poke through. It was a bit like watching an infant discover that, oh wait, that's my hand! She looked so proud... and yet... slightly confused. All with a bit of 'voila!' mixed in.