Missing Post

I hid my last post - the one about my family. There's no reason - they won't find this blog, but I want to follow my own version of the golden rule: blog about others as you would have them blog about you.

Or: assume that the person you wrote about will read the post.

I've written about some of the horrible experiences I've had in my women's group (there are lots of nice people in addition to the horrible ones), but if they ever found this blog and asked me about it, I'd ask them to point out which parts are untrue. I also don't really care what the horrible ones think about me - I tend to stay away from them because they annoy the crap out of me.

But my family - that's another story. They are good and loving people who happen to have some issues. And who doesn't have issues? It's not like they are eating babies or enslaving left-handed Eskimos in the basement.

So that's why the post is gone.

To answer the question of the day in a more appropriate way: I was the peacemaker, now I'm the bystander.

The book is still blank

After my second beta, I bought a beautiful blank book. I'd planned to keep track of this pregnancy week by week so that I could go back and read it on sleepless nights.

That book is still blank. The thought of it sitting on a shelf forever with only a few entries and 100 blank pages was too much for me. I'm now enjoying being pregnant - even if turns out that it's only for a few more weeks. Mr. and I were watching TV in bed when I thought - yes, here we are, the whole family in bed. All three of us.

It doesn't look promising and I know that. I'm not kidding myself and I'm preparing myself for the worst. But for now I'm also having fun thinking about nurseries and names and whether she'll have his smile.

But I still can't write in that damn book.

Not the worst news...

I just got home from the ultrasound. Bad news or good news first? Bad news - the baby is measuring one and a half weeks too small. The OB (yup, OB, not RE) said she wouldn't think a thing about it with a natural conception, but that this is rather uncommon for ICSI babies. Now for the good news - we saw a heartbeat.

We are nowhere near safe yet, but we are also still in the game. Next ultrasound is June 20th, and I'm just going to enjoy myself until then.

I think I know the answer

My symptoms are basically gone. I think I know how tomorrow's ultrasound is going to go. Sigh.

Limbo

So we went for our first ultrasound this morning (6 weeks 5 days) and it's a bit small and no heartbeat. The doctor told me that this is still normal, but that we have to see a heartbeat next week and to remember that not all pregnancies end with a baby. Gaah.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk I was in tears. Mr. is still optimistic, but I don't think I am.

A Little Family Humor

My aunt sent a round mail today to all of us:

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Pass this along


My cousin, her son, wrote back:

Mom,

Thanks for the great idea, since I know Freddie is your favorite son I am going to steal his plate to get free gas and get him arrested. Then your precious little boy will just be just another dirt bag criminal. He will probably even lose his job. There is no way that you could ever love him then. I hope that you are happy with yourself, by sending out this ridiculous email you just got your son in big trouble. Now I just need to find a way to get you to hate Bobby, and I can slide into the number 1 spot. Holy cow I can't believe you send out this junk. I think you need a full time job.


Maybe you don't find this kind of thing funny, but I laughed out loud in my office.

New Twinge Obsessions

I've been kinda twingy in the abdomen and kinda nauseous for a few days. Just a little, just enough to notice. Today - nothing. I know, I know that this means nothing. But... where did my twinges go? They were kind of reassuring. I miss them.

Second beta test is tomorrow. When that turns out OK, then I'll feel much, much better. (I know everything will be fine. I think we already beat the odds and that we've already gotten past the hardest part of this whole process.)

Turns out the gut, it is full of shite

I took yet another home test before my 7 am official, medically certified pregnancy test appointment because I had one left and I didn't want it sitting there mocking me. Stark white. My butt in winter white.

So I kinda forgot to take my progesterone this morning (two suppositories three times a day - the joy at Chateau Beth never ends). I said screw it and had a cup of coffee and a cup of black tea. I made a date with a friend for sushi for tomorrow. I planned my next possible cycle dates. I rode roller coasters, chugged whiskey, and smoked up. Ok, maybe not that last part.

The clinic was supposed to call at 1 pm. My cell phone rang at 3 freaking 30.

"So... Mrs. G?"
"Yes"
"Born on a date you don't care to post on the internet?"
"Yes"
"You came in and took a test today?"
"Yes"
"At 7 this morning?"
"Yes"
"For Dr. R?"
"Yes"
"A pregnancy test?"
"Yes and for the love of George Michael will you please just let me get this horrendous phone call over with so I can go on drowning my sorrows in my whisky... I mean coffee... I mean wholesome water before I scream and cause a ruckus in my relatively new place of work that hasn't gotten to see the true quirkiness of me yet?"
"Congratulations, it is positive."

So I never got to watch a stick glow with the stinky goodness of a second pee line, but I think I can live without it.

(Beta is 148 and the next one is on Monday. Take that, stupid gut.)

The gut, it is mighty

I should know better than to dispute the gut. It is all-knowing and incredibly intuitive. It told me that I wasn't pregnant, and lo and behold - BFN this morning. Beta is tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope.

The gut is now instructing me to pick myself up and get ready for round two. I'm going to listen.

1

One little embryo seems to be OK at this point. So fingers crossed, we'll get to transfer it tomorrow.

2

Yup, 2. That's how many eggs we got at retrieval today. There were lots of big follicles on the screen (although the doc never did a full count)... so how can I have only 2 eggs?

I'm already prepared for a negative this cycle. Yeah, I know, it only takes one and blah-di-dah, but let's be straight here. The chances with only 2 are pretty damn slim. So - I know I'm not out, but realistically I know I'm pretty close.

At least I'll be able to fly home for Thanksgiving this year without worrying about my 3rd trimester. Sigh.

Surfacing

It's Friday and I'm meeting some girlfriends for sushi. I kind of want to tell them about the whole IVF thing, especially as I'm toting a big ass bag of medications and protein powder to the restaurant. On the other hand, if I do that, then I have to tell them the results when they come in, and that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't know how I'd do it if it's negative.

I guess I should post a little catch-up: I started taking the birth control pills on March 20th and started snorting the suppressant on April 2nd. The stimulation injections began on April 18th, which means today will be the 8th injection. It's looking like retrieval will be on April 30th.

One ovary is not responding very well, but luckily the other is practically over responding so the total count will be OK. The doc didn't count at the appointment this morning, he just had a quick look. I think Monday's appointment will be a bit more thorough.

He also told me to expect a lot of pain on the left side after the trigger - joy! Something to look forward to! Ah well. I'll happily accept it for the chance to make this work.

So. That's where I am. Out a boatload of cash for medication and freaked out as all get out.

Thank You

I've been staying away, trying to keep my life as normal as possible. I'm trying not to wallow. (Wow, is that a good word. Like loaf or squiggle. Anyhoo.)

I just wanted to write a quick note to all of you - thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been reading all of your posts - all of them - and although I haven't commented, I'm still passively here, absorbing your posts.

I'm not sure that I'm going to post so often in the coming weeks. I'm getting my hopes up and trying to keep them under control at the same time... sitting and contemplating and then writing about it doesn't help in that effort.

In general, I'm to start snorting some chemical up my nose next Wednesday. I'll have a wonderful intimate wanding on April 18th, and I guess after that I get to learn how a syringe works.

This is all part of my Zen plan. I've read so many articles from medical journals and quite technical books about IVF that I feel I know why and in what order things happen. My doctor has read all of this and more, so now it's time to trust him and just go with the Flow. My obsession with all things fertility has waned, and now I'm happy to say yes sir when he tells me to inject some random vial into my butt.

I can't do any more. I think I'd know enough now to stand up for my reproductive self if I felt something was amiss, but I'm not going to constantly question why I snort while another lady shoots up. (I've been in contact with other ladies in my clinic via a very humorous forum - and I provide the humor with my hacked posts in a language I muddle through when speaking by mumbling through the important verb endings. I can't mumble in forum posts.)

So, that's that for a while. If anything important happens or I just need to vent, I'll be here to post. But even if you don't actually hear from me, know I'm still reading your posts and still very grateful that you've been reading mine.

Just a quick update

We started our first IVF cycle on Thursday. Woohoo! And finally! So now it's 7-8 looong weeks of waiting and hoping.

Told ya this update would be quick.

Finally moving forward

We had another appointment at the clinic today, and we finally have something to actually do! OK, it involves more waiting, but there is also action, it requires a manly figure, and it could employ a kung-fu grip. Mr. got to mail in our treatment plan to his insurance, and his iron vice of a hand didn't even pierce the envelope. Then... guess what? We get to wait. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Oh, but after it comes back we get to send it in to my insurance and wait some more. Once the bureaucrats are done having their fun, the clinic will mail us all of the medications and we can get our own party started.

Alright, bitchy time is over.

Now I get to say how much I love our new doctor. After Dr. Rumpus McFusselpuss, Downer MD, even Dr. House would be a ray of Pollyanna sunshine. (Yes, I do know that referring to TV characters in reference to real life signals an addiction to the soul suck that is TV. I can quit any time I want, and I'll keep saying that while my eyeballs dry out at 4 am because I'm so engrossed - read: brain dead - that I forgot to blink.)

Anyhoodle. Where was I? Yeah, attention span of a gnat.

The doc who gives me twinges of joy. Yes. He explained exactly why I have to take Dexmethasone at night. He went over the semen analysis. He sympathized with the whole injections thing, yet explained why I'll only get the progesterone as a nasal spray. And he freely did all of this while smiling. And asking questions about us and our relationship because I think he is genuinely interested in us as people, not just as a penis and a uterus. He was curious about what language we speak at home (answer: the one that's not English) and how we'll speak to our child (answer: each in our native language). We chatted a bit about culture shock and American bureaucracy in comparison to our local pencil pushers. It was pleasant, and we left feeling that the staff as a whole are looking out for us.

So. Yes, we are waiting some more. But Mr. got to carry an envelope to the post office today, and that's a giant step towards actually starting treatment. Finally, 10 months into this, but woohoo... here we go!

You can ignore this post

This is a serious blog therapy post for me. I'm writing for me because I need to get it out. Miss "Rubbing It In", I don't care to hear your thoughts. I'm not going to read any further private messages from you.

Anyhoo.

My period came. I knew it would because I'm extremely regular. And I knew Mr.'s results wouldn't be ready.

I called the clinic this morning to find out if I can at least start the pill this month. Nope, I can't start anything until all of the results are in. Mr.'s results should be here in a few days, so we'll have to wait another cycle all for a few days delay.

Charting was making me crazy, so I quit doing that a while back. It was a fantastic decision and now I use the free service just to track my menses. When I logged in tonight to enter the start of my period, I saw that we are now on cycle 11. I know, that doesn't seem like a lot to people who have been trying for ages. But we started down the infertility path only a couple of months into it, so we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to just do something about it already for nearly 9 of those 11 months.

I wasn't terribly emotional at the start. I'm a practical sort of person, and when Mr. told me that he suspected he had a problem I didn't cry. The tears came for only a few minutes when he got the confirmation from the doc. The next 5 or 6 months were relatively uneventful emotionally. I was resolved to tackle this and I was sure that I, and we, would be OK if it didn't happen. Now I know that we'll be OK, but I'm not so sure about me.

Slowly, I started reacting to babies. Everywhere. TV shows, public transportation, baby food in the supermarket. It has gotten to the point where I nearly lost it at work this week for some baby-related comment that I don't even recall anymore. I do remember bitterly fighting not to cry in front of my new colleagues. I was sick last week and watched the local equivalent of Baby Story two days in a row, sobbing throughout each half hour episode. I'm not a sobber, but it was cathartic.

It's nearly midnight and I'm tired just from writing this. Maybe tomorrow I can organize my thoughts and write something coherent. For tonight, just getting this far was enough.

The insurance downside

Mr. just called. He had just finished with his appointment to give his sample for the last sperm analysis. The specialist said that our doctor will have the results and his recommendation report within two weeks. I know they have to actually do the analysis within an hour, so the two week lag is the joy of semi-socialized medicine.

I'm due to start a new cycle in a few days, and since our doctor won't have the results in time, he won't be able to submit a treatment plan to our insurance in time for this cycle. That means waiting some more, and as we all know, patience is my best quality. Ahem.

I'm still here...

I took a little break from writing, both here and on my "public" blog. In addition to that, I by and large gave up charting. The lack of constant contemplation makes it seem as if time has flown, and that's good because we are still playing the IVF waiting game.

Here's a little catch-up:

Our new clinic is fantastic. I found out that yes, I do have PCOS, but it's incredibly mild and hasn't seemed to have ever interfered with ovulation or my cycle. I'm taking a teeny dose of a steroid and it has totally normalized my wonky hormones, so yay.

Mr. goes for his 4th semen analysis tomorrow. This will be the second one for the new clinic, because apparently the old clinic didn't record some values that the new clinic really wants to know, like, oh, TOTAL SPERM COUNT. Yes, that's right. The number that we assumed was the count on the first two wasn't (my translation error? no idea..).

The doctor sent Mr. to a specialist where they do a hand count and the specialist wanted to know if there were more than 10 in the sample. There were 10 million. All deformed, but perfectly acceptable for ICSI. Tomorrow should just confirm the results.

The geneticist at the mandatory genetic counseling was fun. He was quite young but incredibly intense with crazy eyes, and it provided for much fodder for Young Frankenstein jokes in the elevator on the way out.

So, where are we now? Waiting, of course. I have no idea how the whole insurance approval thing works (thank god for nationally mandated IVF coverage), but I'm hoping we can get moving on this soon. And now I'm feeling like I can talk about it again.

yeah.

I just read an email from my mom. The daughter of a friend of hers is pregnant. This makes baby #11 in the past year. Yes, we are now up to 11.

I'm so happy for this girl, she was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade and underwent a lot of chemo and radiation for a couple of years. She'll go into early menopause and they thought it was highly unlikely that she would ever have children, so this baby really is a miracle for them.

I'm trying really hard not to go into "why not me, too" mode, because I certainly would rather be in my position than hers. But still, she'll have a baby in June and I won't. So, thank god I'm healthy. But still. ARGH.

The insurance question

Yet another reason to feel so incredibly lucky.

I'm an American who lives in Europe. The particular country in which I live mandates health insurance. For everyone. You gotta have it. If you lose your job, the government helps you pay your premiums. There's no other choice.

If you income is below a certain level (an above-average salary), you have to take the state insurance. This doesn't come directly from the state, it comes from private companies that must by law offer a certain level of coverage. In general, it costs between 10 and 15% of your pre-tax income, depending on the company you choose.

Private insurance (an option for those who earn more than the threshhold) is a bit different and is closer to the American system, which means that it also gets more expensive as you get older. We decided to stick with the state insurance.

So, what does this mean for us? The government mandates that IVF is 50% covered for the first 3 tries per child. If we decide to try for a second, then we get another 3 covered. This in and of itself is excellent news. Additionally, the medical system here is not so broken that everything costs 10 times what it should. Even if we had to pay for the whole shebang, it would come to about 3,000 euros. Uh huh. One-third to one-quarter of the cost, even without insurance.

And our president claims that the US healthcare system is OK.